Is Anyone Here ?

I’ve been on every social media platform lately but forgot my beloved blog I was running at 16. A lot has changed I still want to blog about mental health… but is anyone still even reading ?

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FOLLOWERS PLEASE READ

Hello friends. I’ve been going through therapy while I was gone. I was finally diagnosed with Dissociative Identity Disorder(multiple personalities). I’ve been hospitalized for it as well. I’ve now decided that this diagnosis was a revolutionary change in my life, it’s a new chapter… and here comes the changes, NO MORE BLOG. I’ve changed my medium of blogging over to working on the Youtube channel that I’ve been on and off of for years, I am now consistently posting a video a day over there. So if you want to continue to see me and hear my opinions on mental health subjects go follow me over there: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCN_1-H5pI6trnTFsgazUajA

This may not be permanent, just for now (maybe),

GOODBYE ALL.

My stages of mental breakdown

Today we’re going into more of an almost informative topic, for my readers that don’t experience the same things that I do.
Sometimes we get way too much inside ourselves and just don’t know how to handle it anymore, sometimes life just becomes too overwhelming and in order to cope, our minds just shut down. The mental breakdowns aren’t severe for everybody (well, compared to others) and they occur in different ways
Now keep in mind that these may vary, sometimes mine may last a couple hours, sometimes I stay this way for days

STEPS TO MY MENTAL BREAKDOWNS
*during this period I do not sleep and I rarely remember to eat*

  1. THE NUMBNESS.
    It all begins when I get this overwhelming feeling of numbness all throughout my whole body. I often describe it as a feeling of “drowning” because my body feels almost as if completely submerged in water. Everything feels as if it moves slowly, inside and out. Even my mental processes slow down, it becomes hard for me to think, especially to focus for a long time. During this time is when I get the biggest amount of mental lapses, it becomes almost as if I can’t remember hardly anything. I’ve messed myself up pretty badly while in this state. I’ve driven while in this state and that’s not safe either. I usually don’t remember being in the car or driving, I just look up and BAM I made it home. It scares me to think of how many times I’ve nearly caused and accident and didn’t even know or realize it. I don’t really drive anymore though. The hallucinations tend to hit me really really badly at this point. Oftentimes I get the same delusion, that I’m nonexistent. I actually start to think that I’m not real anymore. It’s pretty weird.
  2. THE WAKE UP
    After all of the numbness I usually approach an in-between stage where it’s like my body has been thrown into a bucket of cold water. it’s like a harsh wake up. I usually just shake down the previous feeling
  3. PANIC
    I dive right back in. I’m still hallucinating badly at this point and paranoia usually sets in here. I get paranoia over dumb things. MY delusions wear off and I get really really panicked. My anxiety sets in at maximum capacity and sometimes I even get suicidal thoughts. I never get them to the point of actually doing things, they’re usually just little thoughts or images that implant themselves into my brain and stick there for a while
  4. THE END
    And the suicidal thoughts are usually the ending marker. Then a start to level back down. I come back to reality, and for the first time since it began I make a meal and sleep. I know I made it seem really calm but in reality it’s a crazy ride for me. There’s a lot of freaking the fuck out, being scared out of my mind, and hitting myself (something I forgot to mention earlier but I think that when i hallucinate in that memory-lapse state i think i hit myself in the head in frustration. I always tend to come back out of it with a huge headache). it sucks, it really does. I’ve gotten the mental breakdowns a few times but I’ve only ever majorly experienced them twice. Both times they lasted for a few days

Back In Therapy/Psychosis delusions/Abilify

Well, here it goes.
One last time I’m making a solid attempt. I really need help. It finally dawned on me. A couple of weeks ago I had my second ever major mental breakdown. I don’t mean a breakdown in the sense of the cutesy romantic-comedy type fashion, where a girl finds her bf cheated and she throws his picture and dramatically storms out. This time was bad, it’s like all of my inner and outer workings just simultaneously shut down. I wasn’t really eating, and my insomnia was heightened by a factor of a billion. I wasn’t angry, I wasn’t screaming, cussing, and throwing shit, I was just… empty. I sat in a dark room in silence, I couldn’t think, it’s like I wasn’t even real. I actually started to think that I didn’t exist anymore (but maybe that was just a delusion). My delusions have been frequent as well too. My hallucinations are starting to get the better of me anymore. I’m hearing angry voices, sometimes they talk directly to me, but most of the time I just pick up bits and pieces, it’s like I’m hearing half of someone else’s conversation. But also, sometimes they’re very random. The other day I heard a cat trapped in the wall, it was fucking terrifying for me. I called my grandpa into the room in a panic thinking that it was real. I told him it sounded like a kitten was stuck in the wall. When he came to check it I could still very clearly hear the cat sounds but he couldn’t. I finally realized it must have been one of those in my head things and just let it go and tried to play it off. Other times I get this weirdness in my head where i would be doing one thing physically but in my head I think I’m doing something else. I was laying in bed reading but at the same time I was standing in my bathroom looking into the mirror. A few minutes later I snapped back and I was still laying in bed holding the book. I never left the bed but i was CLEARLY in the bathroom looking at the mirror, it wasn’t just daydreaming. Do these count as delusions? And of course after that poses the issue of me going into public. I still hate leaving my house, I fucking hate strangers. A lot of times when I go into an area with a large amount of strangers (and by strangers I could also mean people I know but are not close with) I started getting really fucking anxious, and a part of me keeps darting my eyes around and I feel like everybody hates me and in their minds everybody has linked up heads and are sharing thoughts about how stupid I look or bad things about me. It gets bad.

I started a new therapist on Monday though (today is Thursday) and I think it might be promising honestly. I went into the office with a feeling of “fuck this, it’s not going to work. Therapists are assholes” mainly because my last therapist was a piece of shit who pretty much dismissed me as a moody teenager who didn’t really see or feel or hear the things that I do. I was actually paying this one therapist though for him to be so shitty (but that rant is for a later post) but now I’m at one that my primary care doctor set me up for (without me really knowing) that accepts my insurance so woo-fucking-hoo. This lady I have is really nice though. When I went on Monday we didn’t really have a session we just started filling out paperwork and did the basic pre-evaluation thing. We started talking about the voices. She believes me which is nice, it makes me feel a little better. I might go more in depth next Monday and explain more about the hallucinations (maybe about the delusions but I’m not sure). Does anyone think I should tell her about ALL OF IT? Anyways, she mentioned starting me on Abilify, she said it should help with the depression and make the voices go away completely. Also some pills for the severe anxiety and some pills to finally help me sleep. I never sleep. I’m sure I have to have a lot more sessions though, I’ve become a little anxious to find out what I’m going to be diagnosed with. I know a lot of people are like “chill, the diagnosis doesn’t define you”. I know that, but it might make me feel a little less crazy if i had some sort of a label to put on it so I could know what’s ACTUALLY wrong with me. Part of my biggest fear is “what if subconsciously this isn’t real? what if I make all of this up”. I know that sounds incredibly stupid but I don’t know. I guess I just need some sort of validity to cling to to prove that I’m not as mentally fucked up as i feel.

As we all know, today is Valentine’s day. I’m one of those people without a Valentine to celebrate with… so my night is going to consist of Netflix, reading, and Chinese take out. Anyone else doing the same?
I refuse to allow myself to become miserable over today. I hate that I’m so socially awkward. I hate that I’m scared to leave my house. I hate that I’m so quiet… I hate that I’m so scared to get close to people. I feel like I might have been attractive enough to have a date tonight, if these hadn’t been issues for me. But tonight, I drown my sorrows in fresh baked cookies from scratch. Would anybody like to message on kik?

Uppers and Downers

Inherent Vices

Wake up.

Take 75+75+75mg of your SNRI so you don’t feel depressed, so you stop fighting or fleeing from every day.

Take half a milligram of your benzodiazepine to keep calm and carry on.

Microwave a cup of coffee with cinnamon roll creamer.

Drink in big, fat swallows to combat the aftereffects of the atypical antipsychotic you took at bedtime.

Get shaky.

Get fidgety.

Get real productive.

Clickety clack all over the keyboard, planning out your social media day.

Find inspirational quotes.

Post them to Twitter and Facebook.

Schedule the rest.

Feel very accomplished.

Crash into the restlessness, the foot tapping, the uncontrollable hand tremors.

Go back to bed with the laptop and your books to lay beside your snoring husband —

you have a tendency to wake up very early these days —

and keep moving, even in under-the-covers comfort.

Your feet rub over and over each other because…

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My Abusive Relationship Story.

While I was gone, I had promised myself that I was open my eyes up to new experiences in life… and I did.
Come late November, I met the most amazing guy that I had talked to in a very long time. It was a whirlwind romance, a spectacular Rendez-vous worthy of screaming towards the heavens. I thought this was going to be a wonderful relationship… but he turned out to be a not so wonderful guy.

From the beginning we had fallen in love, it was one of the very few times that I had let my guard down for a man (I will learn from my mistake). Once he knew he had me in love with him, he turned very quickly. Initially I thought it was a gradual change, until after we broke up and I went back to read my old journal entries, there was nothing gradual about how he was acting. The only thing that had slowly begun to change was my perception of him as I slowly came to my senses.
At first, he would just get jealous or angry that I had an account on MEETME regardless if I was using it or not, he wanted to go through it all the time. I wasn’t cheating, and even though after two weeks of checking it constantly, he didn’t believe me. Then came the other social media, he was checking my instagram, twitter, and text messages more than I was. He continuously posted pictures of himself all over my instagram. I thought it was a cute sentiment at the time but later I realized it’s so everyone would see that he was the alpha male. He had me delete these things. Delete the MEETME, delete ex’s from my Instagram, delete everybody from my phone that he didn’t like (which included every single one of my friends), and the most stupid part about this thing was that I let him. I waited at his feet like a little puppy dog for his next command. I was becoming depressed by this point, when he would leave for work it would sink in how alone I was, I had nobody to talk to at all.

Next came cutting me off from family. The only person he’d allow me to be around was my grandmother, and I think that’s because she was the only one completely ignorant to the situation (which could’ve been dangerous because I was living with her at the time). The rest of my family saw straight through him, and they worried for my safety. If I wasn’t alone at home–which became rare because as I said before I was extremely depressed and therefore never went anywhere– he would call me no less than every 20 minutes. And he would get very very angry if I was driving and didn’t answer the phone, even though that was the reason for my car accident (which I’ll get to in another post). Keep in mind that if I wasn’t at home, I was with family (I didn’t have any friends left). I remember in particular one time where he called me like 1000 times even though I told him I was driving my other around and finally she picked up the phone, he had a hissy fit wanting to know exactly where I was and who I was with and he questioned every little detail, EVEN THOUGH MY MOTHER PICKED UP THE PHONE. She told him to calm down the controlling stuff before it got bad, and he flipped out. He hated the word controllling and swore to every family member who called him that, that he wasn’t and never would be, even though that was exactly what he was doing. He didn’t want to face the music of what he was really doing to me. My cousin had been his friend for years prior and my cousin told me to watch my back, I finally understand why.

He had this way of balancing out the good with all of the bad, He would do things to get me to forgive him every time we got into a fight (which my this point was extremely often), he yelled at me a lot. If you’ve been around on this blog for a while you would understand why getting yelled at is such an issue to me, its scary and makes me break down *escepically when getting yelled at by someone three times my size as the was*. Further than that he called me names, terrible awful names that shouldn’t ever be repeated, and he put me down constantly. My self worth was gone. After these fighting episodes he would bring me roses, take me out on a date, anything to make me feel better and sweep his mistakes under the rug, every time he would do this I assumed it meant that he learned what he did wrong and it meant that he wouldn’t do it again, I was wrong.

This went on for what felt like an eternity, until the night that we broke up. That night was when shit hit the fan. It started as a normal night, we had just gotten into another argument about him thinking that I was cheating and it was a nasty argument. Afterwards he came over and brought me some movies that I liked so we could have a movie night. It was the most strained we have ever been, we wouldn’t get near each other, we sat on opposite ends of the couch, no cuddling. It was odd. And then came the point at the end of the night where he blatantly demanded my phone. Before it was different; he would ask, I don’t do demands. For the first time ever I finally told him NO. And that was a mistake, that was the first time (and the last) that he put his hands on me. He kept trying to reach for the phone and I held out my arm as far as I could from him and threw myself onto my side to get it as far away from him as possible (I wasn’t hiding anything, I just didn’t feel obligated to show him unless he could ask nicely) and so he grabbed my arm that was closest to him as hard as he could near my elbow and squeezed (this guy played football, he’s strong). I found later that I had a major bruise there. I’m not going into detail about the rest of the night but basically he ended up breaking up with me and walking out of my door for good, and I was left with a few more bruises.

The sad part is, that he thought what he was doing was okay, he didn’t think he was wrong at all. I could tell from the way he talked he sounded like this was what a normal relationship should’ve been like.
He came back a couple of weeks ago, I thought he had changed… until he told me that if he came back that there would be even more strict ground rules and plus I would have to make some huge grand apology, and then he told me straight out that he just wanted sex (as if I were some floozy) I kicked him to the curb though. As I said before, I learn from my mistakes.

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