Starving Urges

I really need to start figuring out the trigger for my eating disorder because I’m starting to feel like this is starting to come out of nowhere now. I was walking by a mirror and the feeling of complete and utter disgust just washed over me as i looked over at the fat just making its way out of my body, i feel like shit about myself. Since I stopped starving i got back to a “normal” weight but i just feel like a fatass. I think i might start fasting again:/ I really need to

What I Want To Be When I Grow Up

Well I’ve been here about a month and already I’ve shared a bunch of my personal life with my followers. I guess I’ll expand on that and let y’all into a deeper insight about what I want to with the rest of my life.
MY HOPES AND DREAMS:

  1. Be and have a great wife
  2. Be a cosmetologist
  3. Be an elementary or high school art teacher
  4. Have 4 children (all adopted)
  5. Get married in my home state

Arguments (poem)

They tell me I’m wrong but I ignore it
its nothing that I haven’t heard 1000 times before
ive had the arguments, ive fought the fights
ive used up every word in my fucking vocabulary to describe what people who aren’t ignorant would understand with two
“im gay”
ive listened to the voice of reason which doesn’t make any damn sense to me
im unholy?
explain to me the traits of a god, because the one you preach isn’t it
what god would make me how I am just to despise me
and im starting to think that even god has been holding in too many emotions lately
because of all of the rage and hate hes expressing through us
and onto me.
When do people stop and realize that life is more than just a bribe to ignore your feelings and continue on with your day
were so fucking blinded by ourselves
you don’t notice that the people around you are falling apart
the girl that cuts herself used to love life
the homeless man on the corner of 1st and 5th used to have a family
my best friend Dylan used to be proud of the person that he was
but your judgment just got to him
and it’s too late to ever take that back.
~R.I.P Dylan Burkheart~

My favorite poet, my inspiraton

Every artist no matter what type (drawing, painting, singing, writing, dancing) we all have that ONE person that we really look up to that does the things we do but only they do it on such an unattainable level you can only hope but to be like them, and that person is Andrea Gibson, shes a lesbian poet that knows who she is and she screams it to the world through her poetry and she’s not sorry for it. You guys should really look her up, she has a lot of performances on youtube and I really like her(:

Oh and I almost forgot Lacey Roop as well

Poetry Club + 3 New poems

So yesterday i took a big leap against my social anxiety and went into foreign grounds. I started going to the poetry club at my school. I really liked it, when I first walked in there was a few guys rap battling and i got scared that this was the kinds of things they wanted or were looking for for the club, but i stuck it out for a while. One of the most “thuggish” guys there went up first to read a poem that we all had 15 minutes to write (that day’s topic was adventure), and when he walked up there I was completely shocked, he opened his mouth and out fell the most beautiful poem that I’ve ever heard, he had me mesmerized and I was just so engulfed in it because even I couldn’t have placed the words on that page as beautifully as he did.
That was the only problem I found with me going through the whole experience though, these poets seem so good and I just feel completely inferior that i got too scared to stand up and read because I didn’t want to look stupid. That’s something I’ve got to work on, but without further ado here’s some new poems:

MISADVENTURES:

I can scream as i bleed but you’ll never know,
2 thousand scars made but they’ll never show
terrains and deserts and such harsh conditions
all to run from a few crooked decisions
adventure made by a journey created
freedom, just childish dreaming, far too outdated

HAZE:

the windowsill in the bathroom
that’s where you always kept it
the life we used to have?
that windowsill wrecked it
I was 5 when i first saw it
young and naive
you said it was nothing
but i didn’t believe
so i got curious
I would hold it and play with it
and as i grew
i would smoke it and put it back
but you always knew
something i didn’t know
didn’t you?
you knew the problems it caused
families it tore apart
only 10 years old
my stupidity was off the charts
i didn’t know what i was doing
addiction sparked with a little gleam
just a kid yourself
you were still in your teens
just children, together we learned and grew
we made our mistakes
but yours really shined through
you let me do things that i shouldn’t do
and that’s the reason i stand here and scream
I HATE YOU
you ruined your kids
you tore us apart
you made an addiction
and took it to heart
call yourself a mom, you dont even know the half
life used to be heaven now it’s left pitch black
I pulled myself out, im clean
the stronger of us 2 ill always be
just an imposter of a mother you lead me astray
untouched, in the windowsill of the bathroom
and that’s where it’ll stay

The Definition of Love:

the things i’d let you do to me
i regret every day
from my blackened eyes
to a changed mind
seeing everything your way
you were the boss and I, loyal and truthful
and only bother healing the pain with a “you’re beautiful”
does that heal my bruises? fix my scars?
you’re not HALF the man you believe you are
make yourself to be a superior being from above
continue on
because today, I’m breaking away
and learning how to redefine love

 

ALL POEM RIGHTS BELONG TO KAIA.LOVE

Stress Depression

Whoever said that depression left you just completely numb is a bullshit liar. Straight up, it hurts, and not only does it hurt… it makes you do some stupid things without knowing why. I dont have the urge to be around people so I’m probably going to miss this huge family reunion event thing and this charity event that I volunteer at every year later that day. I feel like I’m falling into the pattern of an ednos (eating disorder not otherwise specified). I starve myself until it hurts and then i binge until it hurts, and again i have no idea why. I’m stressed out and the smallest things discourage me anymore and just make me want to bust out into a crying fit. I’m trapped in this cycle and there’s no way out, im stranded just searching for the safe word to just fucking scream and make all of this go away.

Masks (poem)

call me a fake
lead me astray
dont ask me to stay
just one more day
Im not ready to give
my free will
my best skills
and all to kill
a few hateful words.
I know how you feel
but im not some circus seal.
Im not an actor
nor the perfect child
maybe you’ll love me some day
it just takes a while.

“im not suporting you”

“im not supporting you”, the worst words you could ever hear from a family member that you always assumed would be by your side no matter what. Y’all know from my coming out story that my family knew about this, well i guess i forgot to tag one person in particular that’s a pretty close family member to me, my grandfather. He’s pretty much raised me. I went to make an appointment to sign up for the Jasmyn house (youth lgbtq support place) and i asked him to drive me. well he just now found out apparently that i’m gay when i told him what the place was. He told me that he didn’t want me going to such a place and he refuses to support me nor awknowledge that I’m a lesbian. That’s a pretty fucked up thing to say and it really hurt. I’m about to bust out in tears again just retyping it. So i recant my statement that coming out is sometimes easy, it’s not.

Judgemental Assholes & Securing My Sexuality

So you know what I hate more than anything in the world? Incompetent assholes that laugh at others and drag down their self confidence because of their beautiful abilities that the other person isn’t even CLOSE to having nor at least TRYING to have; I put my heart and soul into my monolouge the first time I was able to get on stage by myself in drama, this small group of kids started laughing at me. I have mad crazy social anxiety, so that fact that I even got on stage was a miracle, and then your going to be the only people in the class to laugh, even though everyone else tried to make up for it in support by cheering me on after my scene. Guess who also turned out to not even get on stage. I didn’t even let it bother me that they laughed at me, but they started laughing at my friends. This guy Eric got up there and he did an amazing performance that he put his all into without even a GLIMMER of nervousness in him and they just flat out made fun of him. I would like THEM pull off something like that.

On a brighter note, my teacher let me hold dry ice today (the same teacher that let us blow up eggs and hydrochloric acid) Yeah, he’s kind of a kook. I’m just saying that if you ever have the random urge to hold dry ice, DONT. It burns like a motherfucker, and this one guy thought he would show off and be a badass and hold it on his tongue, #internal bleeding.

OH, today I’ve discovered something. Im a lesbian, it’s official, I am secure with my sexuality, i am happy with myself. I know i went through this whole big ordeal about not knowing if im gay or not but i am. The main reason i was questioning is because everyone was in my ear saying “there’s no way you’re gay, its a phase” and all that stupid stuff. I’m not letting people rule my life and make decisions for me. I’m my own person, my parents all accept me and that’s all that matters.

i’m going to start going to this place called jasmyn soon with my best gay guyfriend. jasmyn is a place where gay youth can come together and talk about things without having to worry about their problems or judgement because mostly everyone there is going through the same thing or something similar. My city’s gay pride parade and festival is coming up soon too(: im so excited.

Depressive Insomnia

Well, with everything that’s been happening lately i’ve been having some insanely crazy nightmares… well, the SAME nightmare. It’s all about the things my stepdad did to me (i’m still not ready to completely share specifically what he did with you guys get). I have the dream that after the trial he finds me and rapes me, during this im screaming out the name of my boyfriend to help me but he never does… it only hurts more and more every night, not only about what he was doing but about the fact that Alex wouldn’t save me. This feels so weird. Dont normal people have DIFFERENT dreams at night? I don’t understand what it means or why I’m having this dream..

Its gotten to the point where I can’t sleep because im scared to. I’m getting so sick of it that i REFUSE to sleep tonight. I just don’t know if i’ll be able to handle going through it another night, it’s an emotional rollercoaster that ultimately ends in me waking up in tears. I’m just done.

 

 

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