Depression

Depression, it’s such an ugly word. It seems to just be a ten letter word but the actual feeling behind it is all too real. It’s funny how something so damn serious can just creep up on you and you don’t even realize it. It starts as a small feeling, just not wanting to sit at the big table around all of your friends anymore and not quite understanding why, until slowly it grows and esculates. It becomes a heavy blanket, a comfort zone for some almost, forever looming over you and covering you. It hurts but in a way it’s protection, it helps you see the real problems in life so when someone does something really bad, when life really devastates you.. you just wont care anymore. You don’t care much to fight it but on the other hand you hate it, you would do anything to smile and be happy the way you used to but secretly in the back of your mind, the thought of happiness makes you just a little queasy, you can’t fathom it. The closer you get to death the easier it seems because you’re so ready to have the pain end, but as you near it you would rather just stay under the comforting touch of depression, your other eyes.
People know something is wrong with you but you can’t explain it, nor do you really care you. Or sometimes you try and you just can’t find the words so you give up. Eventually people get all to used to the change in you and just quit asking.
You know every word to the song on your ipod because that’s your excuse to get away in social situations (unless your good enough to fake a realistic smile) or your favorite t.v. show

The pain goes on, you never thought something like this could happen.. but it did. Just taking life day by day, planning scares me because a part of me always doubts weather tomorrow will come, I suppose I should be slightly more optimistic but I don’t really want to. Mental disorder is such a strong word, I choose the word comfort.

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