I am from. (poem)

I am from
a winding road
interminable trip
destination unknown

I am from
cold nights of horror
glimmers of hope
that there’s something more

I am from
traveling alone
praying at night
for a place to call home

I am from
the dead of night
no distinguishing lines
between wrong and right

I am from places
from here to rome
26 houses
none to call home

I’m from the world of childish dreams
twisted lies
deceitful eyes
nothing as it seems

POEM RIGHTS BELONG TO KAIA.LOVE

Staying Fit

I’ve been working insanely hard lately on the whole trying to stay at a healthy weight thing without resorting to starving myself, and I’m not going to lie, it’s taken a while for me to be able to adapt and find things that work for me without resorting back to any of my old ways, here’s what I found works for me:

  • I skip breakfast. I know it’s not healthy and you’re supposed to eat but I wake up at 5 a.m. and I’m just not a morning eater at all
  • That being said, I’m usually starving by about 9:30, and my lunch starts about 11 or 12 so I’ll just snack my way through class, (my teachers don’t care). Of course the temptation is huge for anyone who’s ever been indulged with all of the fried greasy chocolately goodness of society today, but it’s not that hard to make a switch to something that’ll fill you up and taste good without all of that extra. Making little changes can  make a huge difference. Instead of friend potato chips, go for a vegetable chip. Veggie straws are my favorite and they’re just as good as lays. & instead of grabbing a pepsi on your way to school, grab some water. If you need flavor grab Mio or Crystal light(: just as good with SO MANY less calories
  • Don’t over indulge yourself with lunch and dinner. In my school you have a ton of lunch options, and one of them is a lunch line that works sort of like subway (without quite as many options). I’ll usually go for a regular sized sandwich, I never thought anything of it until the point came up where I was stressing so hard about grades I was bringing classwork with me to lunch. Having less time now I only finished about half of it, and I realized that I was just as full from that half as I was from the entire thing. Studies have even shown that our eating habits have been greatly effected by the amount of food that’s been placed before us. We could feel just as full from half of the amount but all we have to do is take a step back and just really listen to our bodies
  • exercise: none. High School keeps getting tougher which means I’m always stuck with homework packets, book reports, and projects out the wazoo. I just don’t have the time to go run for an hour or hit up the gym. So I just slyly work exercise into any and every place I can. For instance, while doing homework, instead of sitting down Ill stand up. An extra hours worth of calories burnt while getting homework out of the way. I’ll do the same while in culinary class too, I burn so much more calories while running around the busy kitchen trying to complete our dish in the time frame rather than sitting down or standing in one place dishwashing. No matter what you’re doing, always stay active. Take the stairs instead of the elevator, walk the long way home, etc. I will however, take the time to just go for a walk whenever I can

See guys, getting fit doesn’t have to be so hard as to starving ourselves and throwing up and spending a ton of money at the gym. Granted I’m not trying to lose massive amounts of weight right now anyways, of course if you want to lose more you’re going to have to put in a lot more effort.

My Secret Dream

I’ve shared my life’s plan on here and most of my hopes and wished but I never really told you guys the thing I REALLY want to be. Secretly deep down in my heart I’ve always wanted to be a photographer. I think the art of taking pictures alone is beautiful, being able to capture any moment with just the click of a button and being able to carry around those memories of a lifetime, and then of course there’s editing those pictures to have the most beautiful reality possible it’s just amazing through my eyes. That’s honestly the only reason I ever created my Instagram account, I couldn’t care less about the follows I just love having a place to keep my memoires and add that whole vintage touch effortlessly.

I only say all of this now because I was checking my blog this morning and I saw that I had gotten two new follows and one of them was from this amazing photographer Phil Kneen, I personally think he should have a lot more follows than he does

http://philkneen.wordpress.com/

y’all should really go check him out because he honestly does create some beautiful art

Helping Heal My Anxiety/Depression

Alright so I’ve mentioned before that writing helps with my depression but also it helps a lot with anxiety. Journaling can help you get out a lot of your fears and things but also can help you track triggers as well as learning more just about yourself in general. I’ve learned that healing anxiety helps more the better you TRUELY know yourself. The things you’d want to write in there are things such as sleep patterns, how you feel when you wake up, daily habits, things you think are constant and important through your day, things that occur before panic attacks, how you feel during these things. It’s not guaranteed that this will help but it’s always worth a try. I’ve been journaling for a couple weeks now and it’s helped a ton. My depression is relived a little because I don’t feel like I have the weight of the world on my shoulders quite as much anymore. Life still hurts but it helps me SO MUCH knowing that I can get all of those stored up emotions and problems off of my chest and without the fear of judgement from telling someone I know and without the just plain fear of speaking to a therapist, but that’s for another time.

SICK DAY ESSENTIALS/outfits and makeup ideas.

Yeah so the day before last I had an itchy throat, and literally overnight it esculated to not being able to talk because I was so sick, its awful. Everyone in my house is sick now because of me. I ALWAYS end up sick a week or two before Halloween. I have the daily kind of life where I have to get up and go to school at six in the morning every day and these are all of the things I use to get me through that.

So without further ado, my sick day essentials.

  1. Lipbalm, my lips get all gross and chapped (I love e.o.s just throwing that out there)
  2. lotion and face moisturizer for the same reason
  3. homework, when I get home from school I end up laying in bed until its time to go to sleep… and I have a whole pile of undone math homework stacked up
  4. the tropical fruity kind of cough drops, the regular flavor grosses me out.
  5. WATER. lots and lots of water
  6. a comfortable hoodie. I have a low body temp while sick which is only made worse by my school feeling the urge to keep the air conditioner blasting all day. My grandparents went on a road trip this weekend and brought me back a nice comfy thick hoodie today when they got back
  7. headphones and a novel, it hurts to talk so I find ways to stay focused on other things, just something to avoid social awkwardness
  8. a stack of movies, namely the nightmare before Christmas, the corpse bride (I love time burton), clockwork orange, monster inc (the new and old one), and all of the Halloweentown movies (which are personally my FAVORITE part of this time of the year, I watch them every year). My brother JD loves to lay in bed and watch movies with me
  9. My phone, I don’t have any Nyquil right now and when im sick without medicine my body loves to stay up all night and make me miserable. Instagram and KIK save me from that problem a bit.
    INSTAGRAM: kaiaa_love
  10. Portable tissue packs, I love the ones with the cute designs on them

personally around this time of the year while im sick and feel like crap all I want is to be comfortable. I’d be dragging my blanket around with me all through my school day if I could. As mentioned above I spring for a big black oversized hoodie that’s super warm, I usually just pair it with a tanktop and legging style yoga pants, along with either ugg boots or my slip on hello kitty vans because both are nice and comfortable so it all depends on what the weather is like outside because it can be pretty bipolar where I live.
As for bags for some reason this is the time of the year I love to carry a very small bag with a long cross-body type strap. I have a really cute coach one that looks like colorful patchwork on the front of it (I usually like huge oversized purses)
Makeup: honestly. none. I refuse to wear makeup when im sick because im always crying and with a runny nose it just ends up looking horrible by mid day. If I really want to try though I’ll just put on a bit of foundation and concealer so I don’t look so much like Emily (corpse bride reference)
Hair: I’ll either go for a top knot with a stretchy headband that makes a statement or a low side braid. My hair is naturally extremely curly so ill barely pull the flat iron through it just to give it a wavy look because I just hate how my curly hair looks in a top knot for some reason.
Hope I helped a bit & if you’re sick like me then GET WELL SOON(:

Opinons on tattoos?

Alright so I turn 16 on June 7th and my mom has been talking about letting me go and get my first tattoo, (I got my first piercing on my 15th birthday) and I just don’t know about it. I have a really cute concept and tattoo idea and stuff but im scared of a few things

1) the tattoo artist messing up

2) me regretting it

3) NEEDLES.

 

The only reason I’d regret it is because the tattoo artist messed up, my idea is to get a flower on my foot, im getting a rose to match one that my mom is about to get on her back, it’s going to be a colorful two- tone flower with probably aqua blue and pink. Does anyone think it sounds cute? I mean I personally don’t think I’m too young, its at an easy place to cover up and my boyfriend has already had his first one too so idk. Opinions anyone?

Advice? Please.

I really need an opinion or advice or something right now because I don’t know if what I’m going through is normal or if I’m just crazy.
You guys know I’m dealing with depression, I bitch about it about twice a week, but I think it might be getting… worse? if that makes sense at all. It’s like slowly I’m losing the will to fight myself in the mornings which is always a battle because every morning I try to decide if I’m ready to get up and push myself and deal with life or if I’m just going to roll over and try again tomorrow. I don’t feel like being around my family anymore, it’s more of something in my way now rather than something I enjoy as it used to be, I’m in such a rush to be alone in my room or just blogging.

Recently I’ve even become extremely emotionally vulnerable which just isn’t me. My family yells, A LOT. If they’re not yelling they’re asleep, my family tends to just be full of very angry people. It used to never bother me, getting yelled at was just another part of life but that all changed recently. I would always yell back, but I can’t do that anymore. It’s like them yelling just makes me completely shut down, even if they’re not yelling at me. I feel like a child but it’s just so hard for me to do ANYTHING while they’re yelling. I’ll place my hands over my ears like a child and walk like that until I get to my room and curl into fetal position until they stop. I don’t know why it’s gotten like this, I just want it to stop. I didn’t realize it but in my own little world everything is quiet. I used to be a very loud person but now everyone is having to ask two or three times what I said when I speak.

is this normal… or am I crazy?

GAY PRIDE PARADE.

image

Well yesterday I was kind of hesitant about going to my local gay pride parade but I ended up going anyways and let me tell you it was one of the most amazing experiences of my life. I walked away seeing that there are so many people in my town that are proud to be who they are and I love that, because yesterday I was even talking to my friend about how sometimes I kind of hate myself for being gay because all It does is cause problems and make my life harder than it has to be, but seeing everyone there really made me see how I should be celebrating it not hiding it. There was this really cute gay couple walking the parade with a just married sign it was SO CUTE. I’m thinking about walking it next year. I also got this awesometastic rainbow flag(:
Can’t wait for the festival next weekend

The Worst Anxiety Attack EVER

When you go to sleep you suspect that it’s the one place you’re safe from all of your problems, right? WRONG. I was in bed and FINALLY getting a nice and peaceful sleep for the first time in god knows when, when BAM it hit me.
Well, I was having a dream and in my dream, my cousin and I were hanging out at school and about to head down to lunch, well he decided he needed to grab something from his locker so I walked with him and realized that I left my school I.D. in mine (we have to have it in order to buy lunch) and for some reason in my dream his locker was right next to mine. I walked up to my locker and that’s when I woke up in the midst of one of the worst panic attacks I’ve had in a very long time. My panic attack was due to the fact that subconsciously I remembered that I haven’t used my locker in a couple weeks and I got super scared that I couldn’t remember my combination while I was having my panic attack, and that’s what caused it; the fact that I couldn’t remember my combination at that exact moment. So after I found myself able to breath again I lay my head back on my pillow and finally I remember the combination. but still my anxiety was through the roof because I kept second guessing myself that maybe it was the wrong one or maybe I was confusing it from one of my combinations from last year (I had 2 lockers last year) but I was able to convince myself by visualizing the hundreds of times I’ve opened my locker the thing I use to memorize it every time. Even then I wouldn’t let myself sleep until I saved it on my phone and chanted it in my head over and over again until I was finally able to get my heat to stop racing and calm down a bit.
Needless to say I got zero sleep last night.

Depression/Anxiety Comforts & UPDATE.

So I’m kind of curious if this is just me or not. Does anyone else have certain things that comfort them when dealing with depression/anxiety. I’ve kinda just realized mine and I feel like it’s really weird. Since I’ve fallen deep into depression pretty much the only thing I’ll wear is over sized army coats and skinny jeans with my comfortable slip on hello kitty vans. Just recently have I lost any and every interest at all to “take care of myself” in terms of spending an hour and a half every morning doing my hair and makeup so that I’m more attractive to everyone else. I’ve gotten mixed reactions from different people but the funny thing is, I just don’t give a fuck anymore. Random update btw, I think I’m getting even worse, as if that’s even possible, I mean there’s that thing about not taking care of myself anymore, plus there’s the fact that I can’t handle anything anymore. For some reason I couldn’t even make myself handle being able to sit through school the entire day yesterday, I left during second period. I almost made it to lunch time so I guess that’s a plus. Being around people at all makes me uncomfortable, even if it’s my best friends. I just try to hard to smile and act normal but that alone has become a struggle. I’m not enthusiastic about going to my favorite classes anymore, I used to be the first in my art and theatre class but now I’m the last one through the door every day to every class. I drag my feet and contemplate why I’m even there, it takes me forever to get anywhere.

Back to the point of this post, a part of me feels like complete shit when one of those really pretty girls makes an added point to laugh at me loudly enough for me to hear it when they make fun of me because all I’ve worn this week is army coats and skinny jeans, or even worse when they come up to me and tell me to my face how “id be soo pretty if I actually tried once in a while”… but that’s the problem. Actually trying is taking more life out of me than dealing with life itself. It takes as much effort for me as it does for them to mind their own business and as you see both of these scenerios prove nearly impossible.

I think huge army coats (sleeves rolled up) are my comfort because they’re so big they cover me and are literally almost like a comfort blanket to keep me away from everyone, does anyone else have any weird comforts?

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