I love him…

Today I took a huge step and im even proud of myself. No matter how bad my anxiety told me no I took a leap against it. I met my bf today.

For those of you who dont know ive been in a long distance relationship. Weve met before and stuff and weve been flirting pretty much since we were four years old but our families have kept us apart. Our love is forbidden. Even so ive loved him ever since and no matter what he’ll always have a place in my  heart

Anyways, he snuck out today and made almost an hour long walk to come see me this morning. The second I saw him from my window I fought from having a panic attack and I did good… until he left. About halfway through his visit I got a weird feeling and I still have it, something in me kept having this feeling telling me that this is going to be the last time I see him. You know how sometimes you just have an instinct? I think this might be it. Or maybe im being paranoid thats a possibility but its still scaring me. Ive been in waves of panic attacks since he left:/

I WAS JUST KIDDING

OH LORD I have no clue what I was thinking moving from WordPress to tumblr. I have in two hours what it took me two weeks to gain here in followers but thats okay. Id rather take the time and work hard on a blog that people ACTUALLY care about than be on tumblr. I began feeling way too drawn into moving my topics towards being an angsty teenager like my followers than ACTUALLY talking about things. God it was awful. I did decide im going to be filming for this a little bit more for this one though. Im so glad I didnt delete this.

IM LEAVING WORDPRESS

Alright guys. So im moving my blog. I’m going to Tumblr
It’s still going to be about the same things as here and I’m moving some posts over to the new blog
Id love if yall followed me
kaiaalove

Major Anxiety And Killing It

Hey guys, sorry I haven’t posted in a while. I’ve been majorly stressed and I’ve been dealing through way too many ups and downs it’s just a constant back and forth. My long term boyfriend (on and off since we were 4 years old) has been in the hospital with a kidney stone the past couple days and I’ve been going crazy about it. My anxiety naturally started kicking in and in my mind I was playing out the worst possible scenarios. By the time I went to sleep the first night (only got about 20 minutes of sleep) I was thinking he had cancer. Yeah, I get this irrational fear about anyone who goes to the emergency room. Thank god he passed it finally and I can calm down a bit

I’ve discovered a way that calms my anxiety a little and I’m not even going to lie, I realize it’s pretty weird even to me but hey it helps. I started journaling again and a way it helps calm it is writing lists. It’s not even anything important, just really random things. Like I made lists for my dream jobs, nicknames I’ve been given, my irrational fears, and my favorite colors, etc.

As for my depression it’s been getting bad, last night especially. I don’t want to get into specifics for fear someone might judge me but for the most part I did self harm and it is beginning to become a regular thing for me,

Death/Loss

Well this initially happened yesterday morning but the thoughts were crippling me and literally didn’t move from my bed at all yesterday. My body didn’t know how to react. I was craving all of these different foods but after i forced myself out of bed and to the kitchen to cook it, I just couldn’t eat. I didn’t know what I wanted, I even began craving hamburgers…. I absolutely despise hamburgers.
I found out yesterday morning that my uncle had been pronounced dead.
It took me a while for it to even register in my head, I thought my mom must have been talking about someone else. I had seen him just a week ago and he looked fine and healthy, nothing was wrong with him. He had passed in his sleep the night prior, he went to sleep and just didn’t wake up…
They don’t exactly know the cause of death but in my head I already know it was overdose, there was too many drugs for too long. One’s body can only take so much.
As I said I don’t know how to handle myself, i don’t know what to do with myself. My best friend told me it’s probably a shock that’s associated with severe depression. I don’t want to be depressed, I don’t want to be severely depressed. It hurts so much.
I haven’t done anything but watch old Roseanne reruns alone in my room. I’ve been dressing in black so no one looks at me. I have my headphones plugged in so no one tries to talk to me.
I even had an anxiety attack in the kitchen it’s awful, I’m so jumpy. I saw a car headlight out of the corner of my eye against the wall and I jumped so hard a got bacon grease on myself.

I’m just done.

Common White Girl Tag

Tagging Anyone Who Wants To Do It(:

  1. Favorite Starbucks drink?
    ~Iced Mocha(:
  2. How long does it take you to get ready in the morning?
    ~About 2 hours on average, more if I have it. I’m pretty high maintenance and it takes me a while, but it all depends on what I’m getting ready for and how glamourized I’m getting for the day or where I’m going
  3. How many selfies do you take on a daily basis?
    ~probably about 5 or 10 but that’s just because it takes me a while to get a shot I really like, sometimes more if im with my friends or whatever. Not counting if I’m on snapchat then that number jumps to about 30 haha
  4. How many instagram followers and pics do you have?
    ~16 followers, 42 pictures
    my instagram is kaiaa_love
  5. Do you ever say LOL or OMG out loud
    ~I don’t say lol but I have caught myself saying OMG, and it makes me feel pretty stupid but it’s just a habit I don’t even mean to. I do text both of them a ton
  6. Are you racist?
    ~I think this is pretty stupid to add whoever created this tag but no, I am not
  7. How many tweets do you have?
    ~0. I hate twitter I don have one
  8. Instagram, twitter, or tumblr?
    ~Instagram all the way(:
  9. What do you spend most of your time doing?
    ~listening to music or on youtube
  10. Are you a shopaholic?
    ~oh lord, with online shopping most definitely, it’s horrible.
  11. How many times have you watched mean girls?
    ~100s omg, that’s my favorite movie tbh
  12. Do you take a lot of pictures of your food before you eat it?
    ~no, honestly like I think it’s stupid to post pictures of food to your instagram and stuff but that just me. I’ll admit I am KINDA guilty of this sometimes because I have culinary classes and I’m not a good cook so when I make something that looks good I’m definitely going to post it because I’m so proud of it, but I’m not obsessive about it
  13. How do you usually style your hair?
    ~I usually straighten it
  14. Do you always look presentable?
    ~If im leaving the house then yea, but not if im just sitting at home. But like even if im just going to run to walmart to go grocery shopping I have to look cute, meaning makeup and everything.

 

I GOT NOMINIATED.

Hey guys, I’m excited to say that http://dragonflywomanblog.wordpress.com/ nominated me for a Liebster Award; this helps these great unknown blogs get noticed a bit. Thank you so much DragonflyWoman.
I’m kinda new to this but from what I understand is I answer the questions she sent me and then I’m going to tag 10 bloggers (no tag backs) and ask them 10 questions at the bottom of this.

  • If you could tweet to your 16 year old self, what would it be?
    Well, I’m only 15 and I’m praying that I make it to the age of 16 so I guess if I had to I would choose “stay strong”
  • What is your most prized possession?
    I hate to sound shallow but honestly at the moment it would definately have to be the old beat down ipod nano my dad gave to me a few years ago. That thing has helped me just exist through my day pretty much every day
  • What is your favorite quote and by who
    “be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind” ~Dr. Suess
  • If you could shrink any animal-real or mythical-so that it was pocket sized, what animal would you shrink and keep as a pet?
    A panda
  • What are the 5 things that make you the happiest?
    None, tbh.
  • How did you pick your blogs name?
    A Macklemore song I’ve been obsessed with since it came out and it was so meaningful to me. I still cry every time I hear it
  • Whats your favourite feature about yourself?
    My eyes
  • Whats your favourite place in the world and why?
    My room, it’s the only place I can go and everyone will leave me alone and I don’t have to worry about anything but myself and going to sleep
  • If you could share one sentence with the world, what would it be?
    stop being so judgemental.
  • What motivates you?
    nothing, I wont get up and deal with life if I don’t have to

XoX Kaia

QUESTIONS FOR YOU TO ANSWER:

– What’s your favorite song currently?
– What is your biggest motivation?
– If you had three wishes what would they be?
– If you could go back in time, what time would you go to?
– What makes you feel better when you’re down?
– What’s your most prized possession?
– What’s your perfect day?
– How did you choose your blog name?
– If you could be anywhere in the world right now, where would you go?
– Who makes you the happiest and why?

Blogs I tag:

  1. The Panic Room http://theanxiousonesblog.wordpress.com/
  2. A Life In Transition http://jacealexanderlee.wordpress.com/
  3. BreeJess http://breejess.wordpress.com/
  4. Inside My Crazy World http://insidemycrazyworld.wordpress.com/

I only had four that I really liked to nomiate

Giving Up Finally

I’ve tried very hard lately to force myself to participate in life and talk to people and not completely exile myself but still I cannot do it anymore. My main reason was I was scared to lose my friends even though I didn’t want to be around people. It hit me today that Friday I’m losing the person closest to me, My best friend is moving away and then I’m left with nothing. Everyone keeps trying to make me feel better by saying ‘oh well you can still text and skype’ but in all actuality im not the type of person that handles any kind of long distance relationship (friendship or otherwise) over long term, so I see no point in bothering. So today I finally said fuck it. I didn’t talk to anybody, I sat alone at lunch and honestly it felt really nice. I didn’t have to worry about people trying to get me involved in the conversation or continuously asking what’s wrong with me, I could really just sit by myself and think. I guess I’m going to start cutting ties with people and just standing alone for a while.

Wearing Black And Depression

Does anyone know if there is an actual link between wearing black and depression? Lately I’ve kind of had the urge to dress myself in all black as I sulk around. I don’t know how this is going to seem though, its not like I care what other people think but I don’t want to seem like a walking stereotype, moping around and wearing all black.

I mean I really just want to fade into the background and not be noticed anymore and I feel like I can do that by wearing all black and plain colors, I’m going to the thrift shop Wednesday to get some more things in my wardrobe that I’m comfortable in, I used to wear really bright clothes and lady gaga-esque outfits but I can’t do that anymore. It makes me feel like people are looking at me and all I want is to be left alone.
Does this seem too stereotypical, anyone?

Depression Update

For a while there I was starting to get a lot better with the whole depression thing. I was starting to talk to a couple of friends and I even got past my fear of going into the lunch line at school and ordering lunch which was a huge milestone for me. But this weekend out of nowhere I got pulled back so much lower than I was before. It feels instantaneous really. Past couple days I havent had any urge to live life like a normal human being. I find myself struggling to perform basic necessities for life such as getting up to make myself food or to take showers, as gross as that sounds but its the truth. I didnt want to bother communicating with my grandmother to ask her to borrow her laptop so I just started blogging from my phone. I even dropped out pf NaNoWriMo. The thought of It just scared me and gave me anxiety and I dont know how to explain It but I just couldnt do It. Its 7 at night and im exhausted mentally and so is my body. Its just a major change from where I brought myself up to. I thought I was finally getting better …

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