new year resolutions

I see all of these bloggers listing out the things on their list of new year resolutions, and I think that I’m the only one that isn’t, because I find new years resolutions completely pointless. You’re meaning to tell me that you’re going to make a list of things that you probably could do at any time if you would have put your mind to paying attention to the things that you REALLY wanted/ needed to do ANYWAYS. All you end up doing is either

A) accomplishing them (which again, you could’ve done anyways)

or the most likely option

B) you don’t do it and lose your motivation by February-April and by the end of the year you feel like shit about yourself and place it onto your next year resolution list, which will turn out like the year before. Its a vicious cycle

Don’t waste your time, you can do anything you really want to in any time frame, but you need to actually WANT it

happy 2014 guys

Happy New Year… I Guess.

I just wanted to say happy new year to everybody

I hope you guys are having a better one than I am, I’ve already had a breakdown and cracked. Luckily it’s already 10 o’clock and I only have to stay awake for two more hours for my family to leave me alone.
Depression hit me very very hard today, almost as if everything became extremely real finally, I say that a lot but this was different. It was crippling, it IS crippling. It’s like I’m in this bubble. I can’t get around people, it bothers me. It hurts.
and people keep coming up to me trying their hardest to figure out what’s wrong and for the first time, I didn’t make up some bullshit excuse, I didn’t say “nothing, I’m fine”, I just didn’t say anything. I’ve shut everybody out and it hurts. I don’t want to do this. I don’t want to blow everyone off and ruin people’s nights, but I can’t help it. No matter what I do I can’t force myself to genuinely want to be around my family that I used to spend all of my time with. I even have all of my siblings together in one house. My family is so broken and screwed up that this never happens, but I’m still not out there with them as they’re all watching movies together in the living room. I don’t know why. I just don’t want to do this.
It’s frustrating people horribly, my stepmother even broke today. She wants to know what’s wrong and she finds it disrespectful when I don’t answer, even when I’m begging her to stop because I want to be left alone. I can’t talk about these things
I almost flipped out, damn near screaming:

do you know what it’s like to wake up every day hating yourself and the world around you and wanting to die, not because you want death, but because you just want the pain to stop. no? okay then leave me alone”

but instead, I just held in my words and cried. Happy new year.

So familiarize …

So familiarize
what having to swallow this pill its like
it happens all the time, they take your heart and steal your life
and its as though you feel you’ve died
because you’ve been killed inside
and yet you’re still alive
which means you will survive
although today you may weep because you’re weak and
everything seems so bleak and hopeless
the light that you’re seeking,
it begins
to seep in
that’s the only thing keepin
you from leapin
off the motherfreakin
deep end.

beautiful pain by eminem


Reasons To Keep Going.

I’ve noticed how hard it has been for me lately to really do anything and keep myself motivated. So in the spirit of that, here’s a few reasons why you shouldn’t give up whatever it is that you may be trying to accomplish

  1. you can do it. no matter how much you may believe that you don’t have the capability or strength to do something, you can. Just keep putting yourself in the mindset that you can and you can do it.
  2. you wont do it later. I don’t care how much you convince yourself that at some point you will go back and do it again at some other time, chances are you wont
  3. even if you do go back and do it later, by then its going to be 1000 times harder because you’ve already lost your primary motivation
  4. why put off until later what you could just go ahead and get out of the way now?
  5. when you’re done we can just kick back with a cup of starbucks ❤

I’ve Got Friends In All The Right Places I Know What They Want And I Know They Don’t Want Me To Stay

Sorry about the strange title, but as you can tell from the name of my blog I tend to name things the title of a song that’s relevant(ish) to what I’m writing about. Sadly, no I’m not writing about Manchester Orchestra;) (they are an amazing band though).
I’m writing about friends. I’m scared that while writing my social anxiety story that I may have given some people the wrong impression. For those of you that don’t have social anxiety I would like to clear up a few things. I feel like while I was writing I may have led to a few false conclusions in the way I wrote it, and I don’t want people to falsely stereotype people with social anxiety because I hadn’t slept for a few days prior to writing that post but I really wanted to get that part of the My Story saga out of the way first because If I didn’t “just do it” It would have never gotten written.
Without further ado, my clarifications.

Okay, so I guess when people think of social anxiety, a lot of people tend to think of people that never speak. This isn’t true. People with social anxiety actually do talk, sometimes a lot. It just isn’t in the way I guess you would consider “normal”. In public, it’s only the cases where people have selective mutism (which as I understand is sometimes associated with the disorder) that they find themselves very very very rarely speaking in public. The fear is too great. But it’s like depression, the symptoms and feelings vary from person to person. Some people with this disorder are actually able to speak to many people during the course of their day, when required. Usually, it is not by choice. Their abilities all revolve around the range of severity of the disorder. I guess I would be considered in the middle, I’m terrified of talking to my peers, but I will speak with my professor on occasion when I ABSOLUTELY have to. Although because of today I’m rethinking that. I was asking my teacher a question and instead of calling the paper an article I called it a graph. She knew what I was speaking about after a few seconds but I’m STILL immensely embarrassed. I wanted to die as I was going back to my seat. I couldn’t believe I made a mistake while speaking. it’s so frustrating.
Just because someone is like this in public, this in no way reflects the person that they are at home. Usually at home the person is extremely vocal, and this is because they are comfortable. People are very at peace in their comfort zone. This goes the same for other people though. Without a doubt this disorder makes it hard to establish relationships, but that doesn’t mean that we don’t have friends. I only have one now and I didn’t get a chance to mention him in the s.a.d post. He’s also very quiet but I think that’s because he’s  going through a depression too. He opens up to me about everything (we’re best friends). But we’ve known each other for a couple of years. He’s the only person I’m comfortable speaking to in public, although people often think we’re extremely weird because we’re both so quiet that it’s rare anyone can hear our conversations but us. I admit, I still get scared talking to him a lot of the time. If I feel like I’m starting to look stupid or talk too much then I just shut down, but that’s the beauty about having a best friend like that, he understands. He won’t poke and prod at me trying to get me to talk like others would.
but yea, just because we’re scared of people doesn’t mean we’re antisocial losers.

My New Novel Excerpt

Hey guys so I’m working on a new novel and I would love a little feedback/opinions on it. And please be honest, if you don’t like it and you think its terrible please tell me. Also keep in mind this isn’t the entire chapter one, it’s only the first paragraph or so. Thank you.


Chapter One

“YOU FAGGOT” Badih screamed using all of the force in his lungs “HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO OUR FAMILY”. It was a rhetorical question, Drew wasn’t going to answer (not like he could anyways). At one point, Drew had put up quite a fight, struggling so much so that at one point he and his captor were at an even match, but his struggling became less as oxygen gave up the struggle of trying to find its way into his lungs. Badih was only half aware of what he was doing, or rather it may have been that he just didn’t care. Although, he became very aware when he felt each of his fingers dig down as deeply as possible into Drew’s throat. He felt years of pent up emotions and covering his pain under smiles release within a few short minutes. He didn’t feel happy, only relieved (and slightly guilty, but he wouldn’t think about that, not now) but if this was the closest to happiness he could feel then he would take it. His stomach began to rise and fall dramatically with each deep bout of air that he pulled into the depths of him, it wasn’t until now that he realized that he had been holding his breath during this whole scene, almost as if he were waiting for something spectacular to happen. That something never happened. The only thing to occur next was the struggle stopped. Drew no longer kicked, he didn’t attempt to run or scream or punch, and they were no longer an even match. For the first time in his life, Badih was the winner, and he would cherish this moment forever.

     Drew, or rather, what was left of Drew fell to the floor with a thud.

My Story Part One: Social Anxiety

This is going to be in parts, I’m just going to be going a little bit more in depth about my life and the things that go on in my mind. Part one is my experience with social anxiety, part two is going to be my bullying experience, and part three Is going to be depression.
Well I’m fifteen now,  and already my social anxiety has taken up a major part of my life. It all started around kindergarten. I remember being very quiet,  I didnt talk much because I was scared that the other kids would think I was weird. At the time I was just labeled as shy and that label followed me for years. All through elementary school I barely said a word, I only had one friend and she was very shy and quiet too. The only people we talked to was eachother. In middle school that quietness followed, along with an urge. I wanted badly to break free. I wanted to be one of the popular girls who was loud and just didnt care. So I tried. I made a lot of mistakes in 6th grade trying to be popular but the anxiety held me back even a little (I still didnt even know what anxiety was). Come 7th grade I was back to my ways of quiet but I had 3 friends, thats also when I started going through depression for the first time. In 8th grade I switched schools and I lost all of the friends that I had. It was nerve wrecking being in a new school,  new places make me extremely uncomfortable. I didnt speak to anyone for almost a month. When I was forced to sit in a group I immediately chose the ‘leftovers’ table. Which basically was the table that was full of the outsiders that didnt really fit into a group. Still I wasnt able to talk to them. I had one friend that year, he was my best friend. we still talk occationally
Last year, 9th grade I started high school.. that was my SECOND attempt to break out and I did well. Through most of the year I was loud and outgoing. I had friends galore and I still got anxious doing certain things in front of people but I brushed it off, I Ignored the feelings In a way. I didnt learn what social anxiety was until the end of the year. I asked my best friend to hang out with me for my birthday and she said yes as long as there wasnt a lot of people because she had social anxiety, I was curious about what that was So I went home and googled it. And thats when I learned that that was me. I searched and searched and did as much research as I could.
Durring this summer I fell back deep into depression. My social anxeity became more prominent in a way… is that possible? Its as bad as it was when I was a child. Im having trouble even functioning now. Talking to people is a struggle and handling things is difficult.  But im working through it.
If you made it this far in reading, thank you for taking an interest. This was kind of hard to talk about.

Winter days (:


Happy winter you guys. I hope everyone’s staying bundled up warm. I’m chilling by the fire with these bad boys drinking tea and writing in my journal. The perfect day (:

You Never Know

Hey guys, I just came on to spread a message really quickly.
We often times don’t stop to think about what we’re saying, and for a lot of people I’ve noticed that there seems to be NO FILTER between your brain and your mouth. I mean it’s cool to be outgoing, and speaking your mind is good but just always know that your actions have consequences. I don’t care how well you think you may know a person, chances are 9/10 times you probably have no idea what’s going on in their heads and you don’t know what they’re going through. I just really started reflecting on that yesterday when I talked to my drama teacher about getting switched out because of my social anxiety but I’m not going to lie, my depression played a huge part in it too, but anyways he said “wow, you must put up some really good masks because I would’ve never ever guessed that you’re going through that” And that’s the thing… you never know. People have been asking me questions, like 4 people asked me at lunch straight up “are you depressed?”. I would just say no and they’d shrug it off and say oh you’ve probably just had a bad week. WRONG.

It hasn’t been a bad week, it’s been a shitty last few months if anyone’s bothered to notice, but you don’t notice. You’ve only seen it the last couple weeks because that’s all I WANTED you to see… Well technically I’ve just been to low to hide it anymore, its more just about weakness now but you get where I was going. Noone knows nor suspects (openly) about what I’ve been dealing with. There’s this guy, I’ll call him Connor for the sake of this post, he bullies me and picks on me and makes me feel like shit. You know what I do? I put on a brave face and when I get home I cut, I let all of the insecurities he’s just created flow out of me at once. I bet he doesn’t know that he’s breaking me. I don’t care if he knows or not. But don’t let Connor be you. Don’t push and push someone over the edge. Even if it’s something small you’ve ever said negative to this person for the first time, you don’t know what’s going on in their head or what they just went through no matter how happy they appear to be. Don’t let the blood of someone else’s death rest on your hands.

Im back… anxiety update

Hey guys I know ive been gone a while but ive just been taking things day by day. My social anxeity and anxiety in general has been getting horrible so ive been reading and writing a lot. It’s the easiest way for me to shut everyone out. Today I even missed school because I was so scared to go to Threatre class, im going to talk to my guidance counselor tomorrow about getting me switched out even though its the middle of the year. Fingers crossed that she understands. Wish me luck (:

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