100 followers, thank you all

To all my followers,
I want to say thank you. It means a lot to know that there’s 100 people out there that are backing me up and supporting me, it honestly does mean a lot.
I love you all
And sorry that I haven’t been posting much lately. I’ve fallen into sort of another depressed state, which usually always just consist of short nights of me watching Netflix, blowing off my school work, and going to sleep early. I’m not sure what to post about to be honest, I mean I’ve got some ideas and I’d like to start talking about some topics I’ve been experiencing with my bipolar the last 8-9 months. But really I don’t want to talk about it until I’m like “officially” diagnosed. I know what I feel and how I feel but I’m not sure exactly what it is. I’ve still been researching a lot. I like watching youtube videos and documentaries (if you have Netflix, I really like “one of two minds”) it’s nice to compare personal experiences and such
But anyways, I’ll get set up with a therapist hopefully next week, fingers crossed.

 

I think I might be bipolar. / I’m taking a huge step

Hey guys, so I know that I haven’t posted much other than my last couple of rants (take that society!) but I’ve had a lot on my mind. On the bright side, I think that I may have FINALLY gotten a few things straightened out to where they make sense in my head. I think that I might be bipolar. If you know me, you would know that I absolutely hate to self diagnose anything because I begin getting paranoid about stuff but this time it’s different, I feel like I might’ve finally found some sort of an explanation for this.
It explains why some times I’m extremely hyper and everyone’s best friend and why other times I become so down that doing anything at all no matter how simple seems completely impossible (the depression phases are the worst). I thought that there was just something wrong with me to be honest. Like when I would lash out and be a complete bitch to people a lot of the time and really not even know why. I feel like this might be a way to finally explain it to myself so I did a little research. Social anxiety is also really common with this sort of thing as well
I’m 15 almost 16, does anyone know if it might be too late for symptoms to show in me? I’ve been like this since I was about 13/14 that I can remember.
But I always thought that it was just average teen hormones. My mom was quick to disagree because of the extent of how dramatic things are.
I guess I’ll find out soon though because… *drumroll*

Kaia decided to put aside her foolish pride for a while and on the 22nd I have an appointment with my primary care doctor to set me up with a therapist. I’m finally taking the first step. I just want to say a huge thank you to all of my followers that have been here for me and commented with all of your support, you guys have really helped me and encouraged me to finally get a little bit of help. I love you all ❤

~kaia

‘kill yourself’ is not just an insult, words have power

I have yet another bone to pick with the “normal” behavior accept by society. I’ve noticed a growing trend that is yet another common behavior amongst teenagers which is causing a lot of problems to their peers. So yet again here’s another Kaia rant.

A popular insult now a days: when someone sounds stupid or ignorant, someone else’s response is now commonly ‘bro, kill yourself’

Seriously?

Is it fucking funny that we are now encouraging suicide, that’s amusing?! Seriously kids, we should really just step back and rethink our actions for a little while because obviously our values are WAY out of whack. It’s sickening, it truly is and I even get very frustrated hearing that term thrown around among my peers in the classroom. The teacher heard it today and didn’t even say anything about it, she just brushed it off. Seriously? You’re all going to feel like crap about not standing up and saying anything when that kid goes home and actually commits suicide. I can’t even count how many times I preach the fact that you DON’T ever REALLY know anybody or what they’re feeling or thinking on the inside. They could VERY EASILY already be suicidal without showing it at all on the exterior, and all it takes is one person telling them to go do it for them to gain the courage

Think before you act

I PROMISE THIS IS THE LAST RANT THAT YOU GUYS WILL BE HEARING FROM ME FOR A WHILE ❤

The Self Injury “Trend” / If you’re cutting because it’s cool

Well, I’ll be honest. There’s not anything I find most disgusting than someone that would WILLING harm themselves to make some fashion statement or to fit in or because they think it’s cool. Harming yourself is up there with smoking cigarettes, you think it makes you look so cool, but in reality you look awful and it’s doing terrible things for your health.
CUTTING AND BURNING IS NOT EQIVALENT TO SOME NEW COACH PURSE
This becoming a trend is beginning to get popular amongst the younger generations, generally around the time of middle school (about 11-14 years old) and I’m not just ranting on about nothing this is something I’ve witnessed first hand.
No matter if it’s cutting or burning it’s all the same, they leave scars and believe me, the scars left can be pretty gruesome
I remember in the 8th grade my best friend would leave very shallow cuts on her arms and walk around showing them off like battle scars when really she was an imposter for the war. Normally I’m not the type to judge and normally I would question it for another motive “maybe she’s just calling out for help in her own way” which wasn’t true, she went to a hospital and went to therapists and it all came back she was completely fine.
Her only problem was she wanted to fit in with her friends that also self-harmed and she wanted people to feel bad for her so she could have more friends. She would even openly discuss her battles with cutting as if it were a struggle for her for the length of her entire life. Don’t be her. Sure, she was only making light cuts but that doesn’t make a difference. Just as easily the blade could have slipped, it only takes once.
Don’t put your life in danger just to please someone else.

Dear ****,

I love you, I want to start this letter out with that even though you’ll never read this, I cannot allow myself to leave without saying that one last time. This decision was hard but ultimately I had to do it. Lately I’ve been the epitome of all of  problems and trouble for you… even though we’ve never met. That’ll make all of this easier though. You’re a good person but maybe that’s the issue. You save me when I’m at my lowest, even though I don’t WANT to be saved. I just need to go my own way, and if I fall apart (or face the question of death) in the process then so be it, it’s okay because I would’ve known that this was all I’ve truly wanted and that’s the way that things are meant to be. I’m hoping that you can find it in your heart to forgive me, especially seeing as how I can’t tell you that I’m leaving, nor why I’m leaving. My bags are packed I just have to go and never look back.

 I’m trying to look out for myself.

Selfish? maybe.

Am I letting depression guide my decisions? most likely

Will I regret it? most definitely.

But sometimes in life we just have to do things. I’ve always hated goodbyes so I’ll disappear into the night with a “see you later” and pray that maybe someday our paths may cross again

Don’t hate me….

-Kaia.

The Lock Project♡

Hey guys, I’m a little bit late on this. The lock project was supposed to be done on January 10th, you were to draw different color locks (each color symbolizing something) to show peope that they arent alone.
Red-Self harm
Yellow-Bulemia
Green-anorexia
Blue-depression
Purple-anxiety
Pink-supporting
Black- suicidal

I made a bracelet instead ♥
My colors are blue, red, black, pink, and purple.
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Hiding in Softness

My wants and needs in a nutshell
I just….
yes.

Dangerously Tenacious

Some days this is all I can do and/or all I need from someone.

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“Oh she’s just mopey”

Seriously?
Time for a rant.
There’s nothing that gets me fired up more than a person passing judgment against someone/something that they absolutely do not understand. She sees that I’m upset, that I’m hurting when you look in my eyes, that I’m struggling, and that I just don’t/can’t care about anything, but she just doesn’t get it. So rather than educating herself, what does she do? She makes up excuses to explain to herself and others why I am the way I am and why I do the things I do.
“Oh she’s just moping”
“She’s just a teenager”
“Something upset her this morning”
No ma’am. NOPE NOPE NOPE.

Please guys, before you just dismiss someone as anything but what you know for sure about them, don’t. It’s very frustrating it really is. And it’s not like I can speak up about it because as I’ve mentioned thousands of times depression can be very crippling, it’s like someone breaks all of your limbs and steals your vocal chords and energy and drive to take on anything past getting up to go to the bathroom and make food (some people have trouble making themselves go that far). Everything is a chore and often times people aren’t going to stand up and speak up for themselves, that’s the same reason why BULLYING is so dangerous for depressed people as well, and you can never tell either.
She knows I suffer from depression, the problem is she doesn’t know anything about it. And making fat jokes about my body doesn’t help my BDB at all which makes depression worse. If she would’ve learned anything about this she would know that even though I may not speak up, it still hurts. It’s not funny

If you know your loved one is in pain, please, educate yourself. It can save both of you pain, suffering, and aggravation

My Best Bully Ever (poem)

When I couldn’t run track
I was too fat
Then at 110
I was too thin
Like a ghost, I was too white
When I tanned…
truly sickening sight
I wouldn’t stop
I could not hide
These clawing demons left inside
I was frail
I was dying
It was a “joke”
It was “lying”
it was a bully in disguise
my best friend
with hazel eyes
I may have pulled the trigger
but you were secretly my killer
you can apologize with all your might
but it was you, my friend
that took my life

Life Update, I’m Quitting School

Hey guys, I just thought I would do a life update really quickly.

Depression became worse than usual, it’s completely crippling. I’ve lost drive to do anything and everything.
Insomnia no more, I sleep all through the night, and I’m still always tired when I wake up in the morning. I sleep through a lot of my extra classes (theatre, art, culinary etc.). Except there’s a few nights in a row every few weeks where anxiety won’t let me sleep. During the weekends I don’t even really go to visit my dad anymore, I like to stay home. I hate leaving my room, let alone the house. Especially to travel in a car for 30-45 minutes. I’m usually just in bed or on Netflix while I’m awake. I’ve been writing a little bit more in my journal and I started a new project, these rainbow loom things. They’re bracelets you make from little mini rubber bands. I only make the basic ones though, the singles and fishtail ones. I can’t even bother to think about attempting one of the more complicated ones, the difficulty level just stresses me out.
I almost went to see a therapist, but then I thought better of it. I want help but I’m just not ready, I’ll try again in a few weeks.

I turn 16 on June 7th, which I do happen to believe is the last day of school. I’m quitting. I’ve been thinking about it for a while but I FINALLY made that decision.
I don’t want to go to public school anymore, I’ll probably just do an online school.
I would explain why, but that’s a rant for a later blog post

Thanks for listening guys. x

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