Expolsive Depression

When I think about depression, I think about being tired. You’re exhausted, your sick of things, you don’t want to see the light you just want to be left alone. And yet, you just deal with it.
But I experienced the most terrifying bout of depression that I’ve had in my entire life. I’ve never been so scared of myself before. I was depressed, but the feelings of being done was way beyond anything I had ever experienced before in my life. I just got so frustrated. I wasn’t just depressed, I was… angry. That’s an emotion that I haven’t genuinely felt in an extremely long time. Sure, I get annoyed occasionally… but never a legit angry. And the worst part is… I don’t even know why, but then again I never do anymore.
A depressed feeling randomly came over me, nothing unusual there… but then it took a weird turn. Usually my depression takes a while to build up, but within a matter of hours it had built up and built up so heavily that I just completely lost a grip on myself. I was thinking so irrationally it was ridiculous. I started freaking out, in my mind everyone was against me. I was laying on the ground crying and trying not to scream. I was so frustrated I wanted to cut again but I’ve been doing so good about not doing it but eventually I lost control and just didn’t know what to do. I started clawing at myself because I just didn’t know what to do. The marks started swelling and burning but eventually I fell asleep and when I woke up they were gone. I slept for a couple of hours and I woke up at 3 a.m. and never got back to sleep
The following day I went to school and pretended like everything was just gravy. The past few days have been really rough but naturally I’m dealing with it. Hopefully things will get better soon though. Today I am officially an out patient at the local mental hospital. Fingers crossed, guys. X

 

4 Comments (+add yours?)

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    Jul 24, 2014 @ 14:14:23

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  2. revgerry
    May 02, 2014 @ 15:50:40

    Hope you’ll soon feel better – and yes, scratching is better than cutting. I know how hard it is to resist the temptation to make physical pain take away the emotional pain, good for you getting help.

    Reply

  3. revgerry
    Feb 25, 2014 @ 10:04:34

    I’m glad you care enough about yourself to get help and to keep yourself from cutting. I remember how physical pain seemed somehow to relieve the emotional, but it isn’t worth the risk. After many, many years of deep depression, I have now enjoyed 15 years without that constant companion always waiting to pull me down. You can do it!!

    Reply

  4. ashlynsully
    Feb 25, 2014 @ 08:56:15

    Thank you for being brave and sharing your story. Good luck to you in your recovery. Each day is a battle but you’re strong and you CAN do this.

    Reply

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