Drafting Suicide Notes (with no intention of using them)

Hey guys,

Today I picked kind of a more odd topic: Is it weird to draft suicide notes as a therapeutic outlet? I had someone send an email (keeping it anonymous) asking about my opinion on this, and of course my opinion is no! its not weird.
I like everyone to keep I mind that grieving process is different for everybody, whether you’re grieving a death, a stressful situation, or just getting through depression. Not everybody can process things smoothly, so naturally we cling to any outlet that we could possibly find and I’ve seen (and used) a very wide range of them. And let’s be honest, most of mine aren’t exactly the healthiest options for myself. Suicide notes usually aren’t about suicide (as confusing as that sounds) it’s usually about expressing how you feel, when you think nobody was ever listening before then. It’s almost like journaling in a morbid kind of way. A few months ago I was completely obsessed with this documentary on Netflix about bipolar disorder I found this one woman that said when she hit the low point of bipolar and felt very suicidal, she would always write a suicide note before she brought herself to doing anything too drastic, because she knew that after the letter was written she felt like she got everything out, and it provided enough of a distraction to where it took the edge off the suicidal urge. And it wasn’t just one or two times that she did it, she kept an entire box of these notes.
Watching that made me feel better because it was then that I realized that I did it too, I usually kept them in my journals though, when I was extremely down I would draft a suicide note in my journal and it made me feel better to express to the world everything that I kept locked inside of me for so long,
so no, I don’t think its weird. I think it’s good that you have an outlet for yourself -KJ

Social Anxiety And The Travel Bug

I feel like my personality and my mental issues have a serious clashing a lot of the time, I feel like on the inside I’m extremely ambitious and that if I could, I would be making a lot of better decisions than I am. Logically, I know that keeping myself locked away into my room isn’t healthy, nor is blowing off my best friends when they’re going to be moving far far away in less than a week. I just can’t do it though. On the inside, I’ve been bitten by the travel bug, (that’s probably due to the fact that growing up my mother never allowed us to live in one place for longer than two months at a time) but once I get it in my head that I want to venture off on some big road trip and d a bunch of completely insane things and take so many chances, my logical head and better judgement kicks in. I’m terrified of life, I’m scared to walk out of my front door in the morning, let alone stay out in the “real world” for a week or longer at a time. I love traveling but I hate leaving my comfort zone. One day… I’m going to get myself out there, I’m going to live. Tonight I made that promise to myself. One day…

Why We Shouldn’t Judge Strangers (Acacia Brenly Clark)

I hate to jump on this bandwagon, I mean we all know that I’m not one to join in on drama, namely the drama over the internet but I really had a few passionate thoughts or things to say. I’m not bringing this up to either defend nor hate on her but can we all just take a step back and use this as a learning experience? Here’s the question: why do people hate on Acacia Clark so much?

There’s been some controversy all over YouTube, all the way from passive aggressive comments made through the twitter feed down the just downright nasty and hatful comments left on her YouTube page. Why is this? There’s been a lot of accusations thrown around on this girl: she fakes mental disorders, she fakes self harming, she gives her number to too many guys, she uses men, and that she Photoshops her body.
1) my comment on the last three things that I named is WHO THE HELL CARES? This is a seventeen year old girl, who gives a damn what she does in her spare time? Do any of us spend enough time with her to know what really goes on or if any of this even really happens? If she does it, maybe she has a valid reason? Even if you know her in real life, do you know every intimate detail of her being and her thoughts enough to accurately pass a judgement? I say this time and time again on here and we all know it, YOU DONT KNOW WHAT’S GOING ON IN SOMEONE ELSES HEAD.

2)  Which brings me to the next point of “faking” mental illness. She came out in a video talking about her social anxiety and I personally admire her for it. Talking about any sort of a mental illness on the internet is fucking terrifying ESPECIALLY on YouTube, I’ve been getting questions lately on why I’m on wordpress instead of YouTube and this right here would be my primary reason. social anxiety has left me terrified of being in front of a camera except for the occasional selfie, Laura Lejuene (you should check out her channel: https://www.youtube.com/user/Downtownpatrol)  has made a point that I really like: when someone has a mental illness of any sort, days are not always the same/ equal, some days are easier than others. Just because I’m not able to even look at myself in the mirror some days doesn’t mean that I won’t be able to film a full video and post 100000 instagram selfies tomorrow. This is what leads me to believe that she’s not faking it. People made comments that the things she described in her video did not fit the description for social anxiety but to everyone who’s raised this concern to me I have told them all the same exact thing “so that must mean that you specifically are Acacia’s therapist or some other form of a mental health professional who’s spent many many years of your life studying these things in order to properly diagnose her? no? okay then. Mental illness does not have one set of specific guidelines that means the same exact thing in every little aspect for everybody in the world with that illness. And to the person that said that you can’t have a mental illness without being diagnosed, you are COMPLETELY mistaken and I feel bad for you if you believe that. thousands if not hundreds of thousands of cases of mental illness of every form from minor to severe go undiagnosed every year, either due to the fact that the person does not have any sort of resources to be able to go to the proper therapist to be able to diagnosed, or they’re simply just too scared to be able to come out and say things about these issues that they’re having, that being said, anxiety disorders are extremely common (especially In this day in age) so it’s not unlikely that she may very well have an anxiety disorder, the same goes for her claim of having depression. But then again, I’m not a trained professional so I am in no way qualified to diagnose her either way.
Here’s a link to her Social Anxiety video so that you can make your own opinion : https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ADWANrC_0m0

3) I’m not a fan of faking self harm and I’m not saying that she did or she didn’t, (but then again, even if she was faking it, that would make it for attention right? so then wouldn’t we want to help a mentally unstable person who’s practically begging for attention/help). I’m in the same boat as every body else reading this (unless you’re Acaia) I don’t know her and I don’t know what she does. Frankly it’s nobody’s business but herself and her family’s. Apparently her mother came out and said that they were real, that doesn’t make a difference to me. To myself as well as everybody else reading this, we shouldn’t care unless it’s to wish her well, which everybody should be doing anyways honestly. Just like with the bullying, we’ll all feel really fucking bad when the constant abuse and the lack of good word leads to something drastic such as suicide, then all of the attackers want to act like the victim like they wish they had the chance to take back everything they’ve said to her

And I think that the biggest issues that I’m having right now is the fact that all of my citations here are based on “I read this here” or “I heard this in a video”, I mean honestly guys, why must we attack strangers. In what way have her actions had absolutely ANY involvement to your own personal well being or your everyday life. I’m not here to say that what I think that she’s done is right or wrong, I’m here saying that can we just please back off of this girl a little? Everyone talks about how bad cyberbullying is, but I think we’ve all started to blur the lines between sharing our opinions and just down right being a bully, you’re hurting people weather you realize it or not, -KJ

Bulemic Stomach Problems

The past few days have been pretty rough, I fell back into the cycle.
On Saturday was my little sister’s birthday and I binged as hard as I possible could’ve, oh my gosh. It just got so out of control it was astounding. When I got home I felt completely ill and tried to sleep it off because I knew what would happen if I decided to purge so I went to sleep around 7pm. I woke back up at 11 and couldn’t “just deal with it” anymore, so I went and purged… and purged… and purged. I think I held myself hostage for about two hours doing the water cleansing in between purges (anyone with ed will know what I’m talking about) and I felt like such shit that I couldn’t go back to sleep until like 4 am. The stress physically and mentally from being thrown back into the cycle really messed with my body, I haven’t had the physical compasity to be able to properly eat the past two days, and I won’t lie, I want to binge with my everything but I start feeling really sick after eating so much as a cookie. I was in the store yesterday and I drank a cappuccino the size of a shot glass and I nearly threw up everywhere (thank god I never made it to Starbucks like I was planning to, that’d be a huge waste of a Venti sized drink).



Here’s the the holidays (handling stress)

Well guys, in advance I’d like to give everybody here a big round of applause for all of the complete bullshit that we’re about to be enduring for the next two months. It’s that time of the year again: THE HOLIDAYS.
Due to Thanksgiving day, food preparation, Christmas, gift buying, black Friday shopping, family coordinating, nanowrimo, and endless amounts of projects and added homework because teachers think that you have absolutely nothing better to do, the holidays can be rough, and they most likely will be.

Handling the stress
1)The key here is mostly just so acknowledge that it’s tough and acknowledge that there’s going to be a problem (although that doesn’t mean to dwell on it) so that you’re not in complete shock when things don’t turn out the way that you think they will
2)If you’re feeling overwhelmed don’t keep it bottled up. You’re going to most likely want the holidays to be an enjoyable time for everybody, and you don’t want that big explosion (I hate to tell you, its inevitable) to happen on a big holiday or when you’re with the people you love. Don’t be scared to take some time for yourself. In the middle of a busy week? Spend the night having a long bubble bath and a spa night, even if that just consists of pouring soap into your bath and a 99 cent face mask from the drug store.
3) PREPLAN PREPLAN PREPLAN. If you don’t already own a planner then this would be the time of the year to go buy one. Don’t try to just procrastinate and plan everything on the fly, that usually just ends up horribly for everybody. Work on time management and prioritizing your tasks, this Is a really important step

and finally 4) don’t push your limits. You know what you can handle and can’t handle. Don’t like everybody push you around into doing things that you don’t know if you’ll be able to take on. Don’t be scared to ask for help, we all need it sometimes

Happy Holidays in advance everybody, -KJ

To Post Or Not To Post;

I don’t really know what’s going on with me lately… holy hell. I have TONS of ideas of things that I really have been wanting to post about, there’s a four page long list sitting in the back of my planner. but it’s like every time that I sit down to talk about something it just never comes out the way I want it to. When I first started here I was able to speak my mind without any sort of worry about it, because the only person I was talking to was myself. Once I gained one or two followers it was great because I then had an audience I was able to talk to (a SMALL audience). But now there’s over 160 of you guys. This is MINDBLOWING to me honestly. I started out here as a means to express myself and over time we’ve grown together (those who’ve been around since my fetus days know what I’m talking about) into a place where we come together, it’s not just me going on about my issues but more so me sharing my story and giving my advice to everyone whose asked for it. But that’s the thing, I’m scared to share my story anymore. I know 160 may not be much compared to some of the more successful blogs here but to someone who’s terrified of human contact and has trouble even getting on the phone to order pizza. I find it astounding. So thank you again to everyone who’s been around supporting me. My biggest thing is that I’m scared that my content won’t be considered good enough… but I’ve also been reminding myself that the number of followers here has only been growing. not declining. So guys I promise, I’ll be posting more. Especially starting next month I’ll be posting daily during 25 days of Christmas(:

Fresh Faced

Okay so to be frank I haven’t been posting on here as much as I’ve wanted to, its due to the fact that I didn’t think my content was good enough to be posted. That is, until i realised that I was actually getting views and follows with the few that I was posting, so I guess I’ll keep at it and stop worrying.
This is just an update post to say that I’ve removed all of my piercings and stretched ears and I want to start over. This might seem kind of stupid but it means something to me. The piercings that I’ve had before all came from a bad time. I got them to rebel rather than because I wanted them, and they were done with safteypins rather than sterilized needles. I want to redo everything. I want to be mature about my body and get them done the right way. So here I am, freshfaced and ready to go. They’ve closed up and my body is prepared for the journey 💋-KJ

Also, Like this if you want a fall makeup routine

Beauty and Body Mods💋

Hey guys, today we’re talking about Body Mods compared to traditional beauty. This is going to be more of an opinion post


So its no secret that I absolutely adore different forms of body mods and alternative beauty, I’m in love with all of mine and I love the way that they make me feel beautiful and unique❤ and i plan on getting many many more (credit to this photo belongs to @ofmiceandsex on instagram). I really want these hip piercings, but ill be going over my next planned mods in a different post. But since I’ve begun this journey its a striking realization that not everybody thinks the same way that i do. A lot of people tend to look down upon anybody that looks different than the traditional cookie-cutter view on beautiful. And having constant insults thrown at me and rude thinly-veiled attempts at telling me I’m less intelligent than any other because of my piercings, has caused me to pose the question “can we look beautiful and still be unique?”
Of course my answer to this is yes. I personally get much more enjoyment out of seeing a pretty girl with a full sleeve of tattoos than seeing your typical blonde-hair-blue-eyed girl sporting the latest Forever 21 finds. I guess for me its because I like change. I like seeing new, exciting, and different. I like to change things up, and for me i feel like these are the types of people that become leaders, they’re not afraid to take risks and stand out. So in this case, why is it that we still judge people who look different? Why is it that its considered unprofessional looking to have a piercing or tattoos or stretched ears? It’s the new millennium. Its nearly 2015. Were not still in the 40’s where you needed to uphold yourself in the most perfect manner possible in order to be treated like a human. I feel like we all need to take a step back and take another look at out morals.

My Contour Routine (how I apply bronzer)

Hey guys💋
So today I’m just going to be doing a quick contour rotuine
(Sorry about the harsh lighting. Im still working on lighting in my makeup area)


So the tall photos on the sides im just showing you two of the brushes I use for the bronzer. On the left is just a fluffy brush from Sephora (used for blending) and on the right is a big angled brush used to contour. You don’t absolutely have to have an angled brush to apply, but personally I find that I have a lot more control with one vs any other kind of a face brush.
The bronzer I’m currently using is the Chocolate Soleil by Too Faced. I personally love it, its able to do its job without looking muddy (which is kinda hard lately in finding bronzers) but also smells heavenly ❤
Of course though you just have to experiment a little in finding which bronzer looks good on your skin tone, what works for me may not work for you.
Anyways, starting from the top picture you see me making the pursed-lip snooty face. This is so i can find where I want to apply bronzer. Start from the side of your face and take it under your cheekbone to about half-way to your mouth. (Picture 2). Follow your natural face contour. Don’t drag it all the way across to the mouth or it may turn out looking like just a dark line drawn across your face. You want an airbrushed soft look, not a penciled in look.
LESS IS MORE. Start light and darken it as needed. And repeat on the other side.
Next I just take a tiny bit and pat it on my temples.
You could stop here and blend it out and be done but i also like to contour my nose as well to try to thin it out a bit. I’m taking a pretty thin brush (third picture down) and taking a small ammount of bronzer onto it, I say a small ammount because ive noticed that the bridge of my nose is most likely to get caked up with bronzer. I just use that to draw a two lines, starting on each side of the bridge of my nose and keeping that line straight down all the way onto the tip of my nose, and finally dragging those two lines together on the tip of my nose at a point. (Last two pictures down).
Now for the single most important step BLEND, BLEND, BLEND.
Take your big fluffy brush and blend out all of it to remove any cakiness or harsh lines to give it your more subtle look. & don’t forget the nose ladies
Remember to be patient with it. It took me a few times to get it down pat, and good luck😜 -KJ.

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