My stages of mental breakdown

Today we’re going into more of an almost informative topic, for my readers that don’t experience the same things that I do.
Sometimes we get way too much inside ourselves and just don’t know how to handle it anymore, sometimes life just becomes too overwhelming and in order to cope, our minds just shut down. The mental breakdowns aren’t severe for everybody (well, compared to others) and they occur in different ways
Now keep in mind that these may vary, sometimes mine may last a couple hours, sometimes I stay this way for days

STEPS TO MY MENTAL BREAKDOWNS
*during this period I do not sleep and I rarely remember to eat*

  1. THE NUMBNESS.
    It all begins when I get this overwhelming feeling of numbness all throughout my whole body. I often describe it as a feeling of “drowning” because my body feels almost as if completely submerged in water. Everything feels as if it moves slowly, inside and out. Even my mental processes slow down, it becomes hard for me to think, especially to focus for a long time. During this time is when I get the biggest amount of mental lapses, it becomes almost as if I can’t remember hardly anything. I’ve messed myself up pretty badly while in this state. I’ve driven while in this state and that’s not safe either. I usually don’t remember being in the car or driving, I just look up and BAM I made it home. It scares me to think of how many times I’ve nearly caused and accident and didn’t even know or realize it. I don’t really drive anymore though. The hallucinations tend to hit me really really badly at this point. Oftentimes I get the same delusion, that I’m nonexistent. I actually start to think that I’m not real anymore. It’s pretty weird.
  2. THE WAKE UP
    After all of the numbness I usually approach an in-between stage where it’s like my body has been thrown into a bucket of cold water. it’s like a harsh wake up. I usually just shake down the previous feeling
  3. PANIC
    I dive right back in. I’m still hallucinating badly at this point and paranoia usually sets in here. I get paranoia over dumb things. MY delusions wear off and I get really really panicked. My anxiety sets in at maximum capacity and sometimes I even get suicidal thoughts. I never get them to the point of actually doing things, they’re usually just little thoughts or images that implant themselves into my brain and stick there for a while
  4. THE END
    And the suicidal thoughts are usually the ending marker. Then a start to level back down. I come back to reality, and for the first time since it began I make a meal and sleep. I know I made it seem really calm but in reality it’s a crazy ride for me. There’s a lot of freaking the fuck out, being scared out of my mind, and hitting myself (something I forgot to mention earlier but I think that when i hallucinate in that memory-lapse state i think i hit myself in the head in frustration. I always tend to come back out of it with a huge headache). it sucks, it really does. I’ve gotten the mental breakdowns a few times but I’ve only ever majorly experienced them twice. Both times they lasted for a few days

Back In Therapy/Psychosis delusions/Abilify

Well, here it goes.
One last time I’m making a solid attempt. I really need help. It finally dawned on me. A couple of weeks ago I had my second ever major mental breakdown. I don’t mean a breakdown in the sense of the cutesy romantic-comedy type fashion, where a girl finds her bf cheated and she throws his picture and dramatically storms out. This time was bad, it’s like all of my inner and outer workings just simultaneously shut down. I wasn’t really eating, and my insomnia was heightened by a factor of a billion. I wasn’t angry, I wasn’t screaming, cussing, and throwing shit, I was just… empty. I sat in a dark room in silence, I couldn’t think, it’s like I wasn’t even real. I actually started to think that I didn’t exist anymore (but maybe that was just a delusion). My delusions have been frequent as well too. My hallucinations are starting to get the better of me anymore. I’m hearing angry voices, sometimes they talk directly to me, but most of the time I just pick up bits and pieces, it’s like I’m hearing half of someone else’s conversation. But also, sometimes they’re very random. The other day I heard a cat trapped in the wall, it was fucking terrifying for me. I called my grandpa into the room in a panic thinking that it was real. I told him it sounded like a kitten was stuck in the wall. When he came to check it I could still very clearly hear the cat sounds but he couldn’t. I finally realized it must have been one of those in my head things and just let it go and tried to play it off. Other times I get this weirdness in my head where i would be doing one thing physically but in my head I think I’m doing something else. I was laying in bed reading but at the same time I was standing in my bathroom looking into the mirror. A few minutes later I snapped back and I was still laying in bed holding the book. I never left the bed but i was CLEARLY in the bathroom looking at the mirror, it wasn’t just daydreaming. Do these count as delusions? And of course after that poses the issue of me going into public. I still hate leaving my house, I fucking hate strangers. A lot of times when I go into an area with a large amount of strangers (and by strangers I could also mean people I know but are not close with) I started getting really fucking anxious, and a part of me keeps darting my eyes around and I feel like everybody hates me and in their minds everybody has linked up heads and are sharing thoughts about how stupid I look or bad things about me. It gets bad.

I started a new therapist on Monday though (today is Thursday) and I think it might be promising honestly. I went into the office with a feeling of “fuck this, it’s not going to work. Therapists are assholes” mainly because my last therapist was a piece of shit who pretty much dismissed me as a moody teenager who didn’t really see or feel or hear the things that I do. I was actually paying this one therapist though for him to be so shitty (but that rant is for a later post) but now I’m at one that my primary care doctor set me up for (without me really knowing) that accepts my insurance so woo-fucking-hoo. This lady I have is really nice though. When I went on Monday we didn’t really have a session we just started filling out paperwork and did the basic pre-evaluation thing. We started talking about the voices. She believes me which is nice, it makes me feel a little better. I might go more in depth next Monday and explain more about the hallucinations (maybe about the delusions but I’m not sure). Does anyone think I should tell her about ALL OF IT? Anyways, she mentioned starting me on Abilify, she said it should help with the depression and make the voices go away completely. Also some pills for the severe anxiety and some pills to finally help me sleep. I never sleep. I’m sure I have to have a lot more sessions though, I’ve become a little anxious to find out what I’m going to be diagnosed with. I know a lot of people are like “chill, the diagnosis doesn’t define you”. I know that, but it might make me feel a little less crazy if i had some sort of a label to put on it so I could know what’s ACTUALLY wrong with me. Part of my biggest fear is “what if subconsciously this isn’t real? what if I make all of this up”. I know that sounds incredibly stupid but I don’t know. I guess I just need some sort of validity to cling to to prove that I’m not as mentally fucked up as i feel.