As we all know, today is Valentine’s day. I’m one of those people without a Valentine to celebrate with… so my night is going to consist of Netflix, reading, and Chinese take out. Anyone else doing the same?
I refuse to allow myself to become miserable over today. I hate that I’m so socially awkward. I hate that I’m scared to leave my house. I hate that I’m so quiet… I hate that I’m so scared to get close to people. I feel like I might have been attractive enough to have a date tonight, if these hadn’t been issues for me. But tonight, I drown my sorrows in fresh baked cookies from scratch. Would anybody like to message on kik?

My Abusive Relationship Story.

While I was gone, I had promised myself that I was open my eyes up to new experiences in life… and I did.
Come late November, I met the most amazing guy that I had talked to in a very long time. It was a whirlwind romance, a spectacular Rendez-vous worthy of screaming towards the heavens. I thought this was going to be a wonderful relationship… but he turned out to be a not so wonderful guy.

From the beginning we had fallen in love, it was one of the very few times that I had let my guard down for a man (I will learn from my mistake). Once he knew he had me in love with him, he turned very quickly. Initially I thought it was a gradual change, until after we broke up and I went back to read my old journal entries, there was nothing gradual about how he was acting. The only thing that had slowly begun to change was my perception of him as I slowly came to my senses.
At first, he would just get jealous or angry that I had an account on MEETME regardless if I was using it or not, he wanted to go through it all the time. I wasn’t cheating, and even though after two weeks of checking it constantly, he didn’t believe me. Then came the other social media, he was checking my instagram, twitter, and text messages more than I was. He continuously posted pictures of himself all over my instagram. I thought it was a cute sentiment at the time but later I realized it’s so everyone would see that he was the alpha male. He had me delete these things. Delete the MEETME, delete ex’s from my Instagram, delete everybody from my phone that he didn’t like (which included every single one of my friends), and the most stupid part about this thing was that I let him. I waited at his feet like a little puppy dog for his next command. I was becoming depressed by this point, when he would leave for work it would sink in how alone I was, I had nobody to talk to at all.

Next came cutting me off from family. The only person he’d allow me to be around was my grandmother, and I think that’s because she was the only one completely ignorant to the situation (which could’ve been dangerous because I was living with her at the time). The rest of my family saw straight through him, and they worried for my safety. If I wasn’t alone at home–which became rare because as I said before I was extremely depressed and therefore never went anywhere– he would call me no less than every 20 minutes. And he would get very very angry if I was driving and didn’t answer the phone, even though that was the reason for my car accident (which I’ll get to in another post). Keep in mind that if I wasn’t at home, I was with family (I didn’t have any friends left). I remember in particular one time where he called me like 1000 times even though I told him I was driving my other around and finally she picked up the phone, he had a hissy fit wanting to know exactly where I was and who I was with and he questioned every little detail, EVEN THOUGH MY MOTHER PICKED UP THE PHONE. She told him to calm down the controlling stuff before it got bad, and he flipped out. He hated the word controllling and swore to every family member who called him that, that he wasn’t and never would be, even though that was exactly what he was doing. He didn’t want to face the music of what he was really doing to me. My cousin had been his friend for years prior and my cousin told me to watch my back, I finally understand why.

He had this way of balancing out the good with all of the bad, He would do things to get me to forgive him every time we got into a fight (which my this point was extremely often), he yelled at me a lot. If you’ve been around on this blog for a while you would understand why getting yelled at is such an issue to me, its scary and makes me break down *escepically when getting yelled at by someone three times my size as the was*. Further than that he called me names, terrible awful names that shouldn’t ever be repeated, and he put me down constantly. My self worth was gone. After these fighting episodes he would bring me roses, take me out on a date, anything to make me feel better and sweep his mistakes under the rug, every time he would do this I assumed it meant that he learned what he did wrong and it meant that he wouldn’t do it again, I was wrong.

This went on for what felt like an eternity, until the night that we broke up. That night was when shit hit the fan. It started as a normal night, we had just gotten into another argument about him thinking that I was cheating and it was a nasty argument. Afterwards he came over and brought me some movies that I liked so we could have a movie night. It was the most strained we have ever been, we wouldn’t get near each other, we sat on opposite ends of the couch, no cuddling. It was odd. And then came the point at the end of the night where he blatantly demanded my phone. Before it was different; he would ask, I don’t do demands. For the first time ever I finally told him NO. And that was a mistake, that was the first time (and the last) that he put his hands on me. He kept trying to reach for the phone and I held out my arm as far as I could from him and threw myself onto my side to get it as far away from him as possible (I wasn’t hiding anything, I just didn’t feel obligated to show him unless he could ask nicely) and so he grabbed my arm that was closest to him as hard as he could near my elbow and squeezed (this guy played football, he’s strong). I found later that I had a major bruise there. I’m not going into detail about the rest of the night but basically he ended up breaking up with me and walking out of my door for good, and I was left with a few more bruises.

The sad part is, that he thought what he was doing was okay, he didn’t think he was wrong at all. I could tell from the way he talked he sounded like this was what a normal relationship should’ve been like.
He came back a couple of weeks ago, I thought he had changed… until he told me that if he came back that there would be even more strict ground rules and plus I would have to make some huge grand apology, and then he told me straight out that he just wanted sex (as if I were some floozy) I kicked him to the curb though. As I said before, I learn from my mistakes.

Depression Cripples;

Where for art thou, oh loyal readers?

I’ve been gone for far too long, it seems I’ve been sent off to the looney bin again. Oh what a joyous day!
Not. I feel even worse now than before I went in. Today I was supposed to go back to school, my plan was to start getting back onto a normal schedule. Not just school, but my entire life. Anybody with Major Depressive Disorder can understand how hard something so small as scraping yourself out of bed to shower, take your medicine, and eat, ends up feeling like you’re climbing Mount Everest. Anyways, rather than going to school, I ended up in the hospital (the regular one this time). It seems that my body has decided to give up again. Believe me, I’m right there with it. My body is severely infected and I cant get my meds until Monday. WAY TO GO shitty American healthcare system.

I’ve missed this, I miss posting here, I miss my followers, the friends I’ve made. Expect posts on a regular basis again guys. I’m not quite sure what days I’m going to do (I haven’t quite gotten that far yet) BUT IM GETTIN’ THERE.

Drafting Suicide Notes (with no intention of using them)

Hey guys,

Today I picked kind of a more odd topic: Is it weird to draft suicide notes as a therapeutic outlet? I had someone send an email (keeping it anonymous) asking about my opinion on this, and of course my opinion is no! its not weird.
I like everyone to keep I mind that grieving process is different for everybody, whether you’re grieving a death, a stressful situation, or just getting through depression. Not everybody can process things smoothly, so naturally we cling to any outlet that we could possibly find and I’ve seen (and used) a very wide range of them. And let’s be honest, most of mine aren’t exactly the healthiest options for myself. Suicide notes usually aren’t about suicide (as confusing as that sounds) it’s usually about expressing how you feel, when you think nobody was ever listening before then. It’s almost like journaling in a morbid kind of way. A few months ago I was completely obsessed with this documentary on Netflix about bipolar disorder I found this one woman that said when she hit the low point of bipolar and felt very suicidal, she would always write a suicide note before she brought herself to doing anything too drastic, because she knew that after the letter was written she felt like she got everything out, and it provided enough of a distraction to where it took the edge off the suicidal urge. And it wasn’t just one or two times that she did it, she kept an entire box of these notes.
Watching that made me feel better because it was then that I realized that I did it too, I usually kept them in my journals though, when I was extremely down I would draft a suicide note in my journal and it made me feel better to express to the world everything that I kept locked inside of me for so long,
so no, I don’t think its weird. I think it’s good that you have an outlet for yourself -KJ

Social Anxiety And The Travel Bug

I feel like my personality and my mental issues have a serious clashing a lot of the time, I feel like on the inside I’m extremely ambitious and that if I could, I would be making a lot of better decisions than I am. Logically, I know that keeping myself locked away into my room isn’t healthy, nor is blowing off my best friends when they’re going to be moving far far away in less than a week. I just can’t do it though. On the inside, I’ve been bitten by the travel bug, (that’s probably due to the fact that growing up my mother never allowed us to live in one place for longer than two months at a time) but once I get it in my head that I want to venture off on some big road trip and d a bunch of completely insane things and take so many chances, my logical head and better judgement kicks in. I’m terrified of life, I’m scared to walk out of my front door in the morning, let alone stay out in the “real world” for a week or longer at a time. I love traveling but I hate leaving my comfort zone. One day… I’m going to get myself out there, I’m going to live. Tonight I made that promise to myself. One day…

Nameless

Alright, so I don’t think that this even deserves a title, so this post shall officially be dubbed Nameless, like me. That’s how I feel sometimes, invisible and nameless.
My apologies for my sudden hiatus. I’ve had too much on my plate and actually had completely forgotten about this blog. When I stumbled upon the wordpress site again, I half expected for everyone to disappear. But everyone’s still here, so three cheers for loyalty from complete strangers on the internet.

Anyways, on to the update. I had a very long summer. I moved out  of my house, hooray.. now it’s less than a month later and I’m back home. I moved in with my dad… and things got to be too much. I was essentially living in a house full of strangers. Even if they’re my family, it didn’t feel like it. It’s not until you move in with someone that you realize how little you know about a person. Everyone said that my depression was a hassle. I wasn’t allowed to be in my room unless I was sleeping, and they said that they didn’t want to be around negativity all day. Figures. Everyone wants what they want how they want it. I’m getting used to that.
After a month of holding back almost every emotion I felt, you can being to see my frustrations. Eventually, I exploded and it wasn’t pretty. That’s the night I moved back and didn’t look back. I haven’t talked to them since
School started four days ago and I feel like I’m completely overwhelmed. I’m starting to see why kids are dropping out so early. I’m in three college credit classes and the rest are honors classes. I’m on a very advanced track and I want it to stop. I can’t stand this. I’m getting work piled up and piled up on me and I’m figuring everything out on my own, it’s crazy and I don’t know how much longer I’ll be able to handle this.

I feel like I’m always moving in slow motion, like I’m under water. I’m kind of numb, but that’s okay. When I’m numb, I’m not hurting. I know it’s only temporary but it’s good for now. I like it.
I can handle it.

Depression Update

For a while there I was starting to get a lot better with the whole depression thing. I was starting to talk to a couple of friends and I even got past my fear of going into the lunch line at school and ordering lunch which was a huge milestone for me. But this weekend out of nowhere I got pulled back so much lower than I was before. It feels instantaneous really. Past couple days I havent had any urge to live life like a normal human being. I find myself struggling to perform basic necessities for life such as getting up to make myself food or to take showers, as gross as that sounds but its the truth. I didnt want to bother communicating with my grandmother to ask her to borrow her laptop so I just started blogging from my phone. I even dropped out pf NaNoWriMo. The thought of It just scared me and gave me anxiety and I dont know how to explain It but I just couldnt do It. Its 7 at night and im exhausted mentally and so is my body. Its just a major change from where I brought myself up to. I thought I was finally getting better …

The Worst Anxiety Attack EVER

When you go to sleep you suspect that it’s the one place you’re safe from all of your problems, right? WRONG. I was in bed and FINALLY getting a nice and peaceful sleep for the first time in god knows when, when BAM it hit me.
Well, I was having a dream and in my dream, my cousin and I were hanging out at school and about to head down to lunch, well he decided he needed to grab something from his locker so I walked with him and realized that I left my school I.D. in mine (we have to have it in order to buy lunch) and for some reason in my dream his locker was right next to mine. I walked up to my locker and that’s when I woke up in the midst of one of the worst panic attacks I’ve had in a very long time. My panic attack was due to the fact that subconsciously I remembered that I haven’t used my locker in a couple weeks and I got super scared that I couldn’t remember my combination while I was having my panic attack, and that’s what caused it; the fact that I couldn’t remember my combination at that exact moment. So after I found myself able to breath again I lay my head back on my pillow and finally I remember the combination. but still my anxiety was through the roof because I kept second guessing myself that maybe it was the wrong one or maybe I was confusing it from one of my combinations from last year (I had 2 lockers last year) but I was able to convince myself by visualizing the hundreds of times I’ve opened my locker the thing I use to memorize it every time. Even then I wouldn’t let myself sleep until I saved it on my phone and chanted it in my head over and over again until I was finally able to get my heat to stop racing and calm down a bit.
Needless to say I got zero sleep last night.

Depression/Anxiety Comforts & UPDATE.

So I’m kind of curious if this is just me or not. Does anyone else have certain things that comfort them when dealing with depression/anxiety. I’ve kinda just realized mine and I feel like it’s really weird. Since I’ve fallen deep into depression pretty much the only thing I’ll wear is over sized army coats and skinny jeans with my comfortable slip on hello kitty vans. Just recently have I lost any and every interest at all to “take care of myself” in terms of spending an hour and a half every morning doing my hair and makeup so that I’m more attractive to everyone else. I’ve gotten mixed reactions from different people but the funny thing is, I just don’t give a fuck anymore. Random update btw, I think I’m getting even worse, as if that’s even possible, I mean there’s that thing about not taking care of myself anymore, plus there’s the fact that I can’t handle anything anymore. For some reason I couldn’t even make myself handle being able to sit through school the entire day yesterday, I left during second period. I almost made it to lunch time so I guess that’s a plus. Being around people at all makes me uncomfortable, even if it’s my best friends. I just try to hard to smile and act normal but that alone has become a struggle. I’m not enthusiastic about going to my favorite classes anymore, I used to be the first in my art and theatre class but now I’m the last one through the door every day to every class. I drag my feet and contemplate why I’m even there, it takes me forever to get anywhere.

Back to the point of this post, a part of me feels like complete shit when one of those really pretty girls makes an added point to laugh at me loudly enough for me to hear it when they make fun of me because all I’ve worn this week is army coats and skinny jeans, or even worse when they come up to me and tell me to my face how “id be soo pretty if I actually tried once in a while”… but that’s the problem. Actually trying is taking more life out of me than dealing with life itself. It takes as much effort for me as it does for them to mind their own business and as you see both of these scenerios prove nearly impossible.

I think huge army coats (sleeves rolled up) are my comfort because they’re so big they cover me and are literally almost like a comfort blanket to keep me away from everyone, does anyone else have any weird comforts?

Starving Urges

I really need to start figuring out the trigger for my eating disorder because I’m starting to feel like this is starting to come out of nowhere now. I was walking by a mirror and the feeling of complete and utter disgust just washed over me as i looked over at the fat just making its way out of my body, i feel like shit about myself. Since I stopped starving i got back to a “normal” weight but i just feel like a fatass. I think i might start fasting again:/ I really need to

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