Stress Depression

Whoever said that depression left you just completely numb is a bullshit liar. Straight up, it hurts, and not only does it hurt… it makes you do some stupid things without knowing why. I dont have the urge to be around people so I’m probably going to miss this huge family reunion event thing and this charity event that I volunteer at every year later that day. I feel like I’m falling into the pattern of an ednos (eating disorder not otherwise specified). I starve myself until it hurts and then i binge until it hurts, and again i have no idea why. I’m stressed out and the smallest things discourage me anymore and just make me want to bust out into a crying fit. I’m trapped in this cycle and there’s no way out, im stranded just searching for the safe word to just fucking scream and make all of this go away.

Depressive Insomnia

Well, with everything that’s been happening lately i’ve been having some insanely crazy nightmares… well, the SAME nightmare. It’s all about the things my stepdad did to me (i’m still not ready to completely share specifically what he did with you guys get). I have the dream that after the trial he finds me and rapes me, during this im screaming out the name of my boyfriend to help me but he never does… it only hurts more and more every night, not only about what he was doing but about the fact that Alex wouldn’t save me. This feels so weird. Dont normal people have DIFFERENT dreams at night? I don’t understand what it means or why I’m having this dream..

Its gotten to the point where I can’t sleep because im scared to. I’m getting so sick of it that i REFUSE to sleep tonight. I just don’t know if i’ll be able to handle going through it another night, it’s an emotional rollercoaster that ultimately ends in me waking up in tears. I’m just done.

 

 

How i “cope”

Okay so  yeah there have been a lot of things going on lately that I’ve had a hard time dealing with. Sometimes you just don’t know what to do so I’m always on the lookout for new ways to just help me deal with everything that’s been going on . The only way I’ve found that works for me to help me “cope” with my anxiety/depression (and i use the term cope very loosely because for some reason i just absolutely HATE that word) is journaling and blogging. It’s pretty lame but honestly the best way for me personally is to get things out without the dreading of sitting face to face with a complete stranger and knowing that if you completely open up and slip and tell them the wrong thing they have the power to have you locked up in a mental hospital with just the press of a button. I reached 24 followers today. I know that number may seem completely insignificant to some people but for me to just sit here and bitch about the world and my problems it means something that people are actually caring, so thank you for everyone whose followed me and thank you to all of the kind and encouraging words I”ve been receiving lately.

I finally told

Alright soo.. I haven’t written in the past couple days and that’s because everything has gotten so damn crazy.
Tuesday I made a really hard decision and I decided that I would finally stand up and tell someone something that I’ve been holding in for a very long time. I stood up and told my mom that her boyfriend of 10 years used to sexually abuse me as a young child. Needless to say that it’s sparked up this whole big ordeal In my house. I’ve spent the past three days talking to cops and detectives and social workers and im just beyond sick of it. Its like I’ve had all of this locked away in the back of my head and now that I’m talking about it, it’s coming out more vividly than ever. I’ve already had a few people (his family) call me a liar and that scares me because if they don’t believe me then I wonder who else doesn’t believe me and just isn’t telling me this. It really hurts being called a liar about all of this anyway. I’m still going to try to put on a brave face though. Tomorrow is my little brother’s birthday, he’s turning 8 and I want to make things the best for him as possible because he’s been dealing with this stuff with my mom too. It’s especially hard for him, I mean can you imagine being 8 and watching your dad being taken away from you by the cops and just being scooped up from your house with only a backpack full of stuff. I don’t know what i’m going to do for him yet but it’s going to be super special.(:

 

Anyways, If you’re going through what I went through, you shouldn’t be scared. Yeah I mean the rode gets a little tough but I still have optimism that it’ll all work out in the long run.

If you need advice or anything, email me.

Is it wrong for me to hate her?

Today something happened, I don’t know what to do or how to feel about it. I came home and my mom was in her wheelchair, just sitting in the middle of our living room covered in bruises. It shocked me to see her especially in my house because I haven’t seen her in months. I come to find out that she’s going to come live with us. Her boyfriend apparently put a gun to her head and pulled the trigger three times, (but she never got shot)
It hurts a lot knowing this, but I still can’t forgive her for any of the things that she’s done to my brothers and I. I mean, this is the same man that she’s put before her kids for the past 9 years. She admits that she does it but she just didn’t care was the problem. He’s been beating her for a long time. I feel bad, only because it happened though, I feel no sort of sympathy for her at all… is that wrong of me? She’s known this would happen but she kept going back. Shouldn’t I feel like super ultra bad for her? I just don’t…

My Mistakes

Honestly, I’ve been having this huge battle with myself about weather I should post this or not, I’m kind of scared that someone might see this and judge me or call me names or something, until I thought back about the reason I created this blog, to vent about my problems and maybe reach out to someone else gong through the same thing… so here it goes. After I posted my last blog post I wasn’t sure what to do with the rest of my day, besides this blog literally all I do is sleep and listen to music. I don’t go out with friends or party or have sex or do drugs or whatever it is 15 year old girls are supposed to be doing this generation, so I got on youtube and obsessively watched most of the videos from one of my favorite youtubers, Laura : http://www.youtube.com/channel/UC99LFxQRYI0d-SeXAzDpCrQ
Her channel is all about getting the issue of self harm out there for the world to see and to spread awareness, I really respect her for that. Eventually, this idea sparked in my mind. I don’t know why it did because I haven’t had the urge in over four years… but I did. And so the idea grew and grew and grew until finally I gave in and did it. I cut. I grabbed the first sharp object I could find and just went for it. I’m kind of in regret kind of in relief I have a lot of mixed emotions about it right now.

Letting It All Hang Out

The thing with any mental disorder is if you’re consciously aware of it, you’re going to try to hide it. Its a given. Most of the time people feel like if they were to show who they really are on the inside then they would be judged. I’ve fallen under this category for a long time. I have extremely bad social anxiety, I’m always scared that someone is watching me and the things they would be thinking. There’s only one place that I feel completely free from this, and its a bit ironic but that place is up on stage. When I’m acting on stage I feel completely empowered.. until now. As I may have mentioned, depression is taking over my life and it’s a bit weird but since it’s gotten really bad I just stopped caring about putting a smile on my face and trying to act like I’m happy and make people laugh, the jealousy is overwhelming. Why should they be able to laugh and smile if I’m being overpowered by the pain I feel on the inside and I cant? Today was the first day that I’ve had an opportunity to get onto stage and shine since I finally said “fuck it” but… something weird happened. For the first time I stood up on stage, I opening my mouth, and nothing came out. I froze. I didn’t say anything, so once I stepped off of stage I had a panic attack. It’s so weird, this has never happened to me before. And that panic attack was triggered from my social anxiety. I hate that I’m so scared of being myself. I couldn’t even mumble out two sentences in front of a class of 25 students. I wish I could just be myself and be weird and happy and crazy how I used to be, I wish that I could walk around without being labeled as some freak because lately I’m not showing happiness. I wish I could reach out to my friends about the pain I feel without losing them. I wish I was free.

Your Words Hurt (poem)

Your words stand
behind her pain
standing tall
on her 5’2 frame
ignorance is bliss?
then just let her be
her flaws are all that
you’ll ever see.
nose up at the harassment
just live another day
and then the next, she will be dead
then whats there to say?

~i write these poems off the top of my head, not too hard judgement please~

XoX Kaia.Love

Aside

Depression

Depression, it’s such an ugly word. It seems to just be a ten letter word but the actual feeling behind it is all too real. It’s funny how something so damn serious can just creep up on you and you don’t even realize it. It starts as a small feeling, just not wanting to sit at the big table around all of your friends anymore and not quite understanding why, until slowly it grows and esculates. It becomes a heavy blanket, a comfort zone for some almost, forever looming over you and covering you. It hurts but in a way it’s protection, it helps you see the real problems in life so when someone does something really bad, when life really devastates you.. you just wont care anymore. You don’t care much to fight it but on the other hand you hate it, you would do anything to smile and be happy the way you used to but secretly in the back of your mind, the thought of happiness makes you just a little queasy, you can’t fathom it. The closer you get to death the easier it seems because you’re so ready to have the pain end, but as you near it you would rather just stay under the comforting touch of depression, your other eyes.
People know something is wrong with you but you can’t explain it, nor do you really care you. Or sometimes you try and you just can’t find the words so you give up. Eventually people get all to used to the change in you and just quit asking.
You know every word to the song on your ipod because that’s your excuse to get away in social situations (unless your good enough to fake a realistic smile) or your favorite t.v. show

The pain goes on, you never thought something like this could happen.. but it did. Just taking life day by day, planning scares me because a part of me always doubts weather tomorrow will come, I suppose I should be slightly more optimistic but I don’t really want to. Mental disorder is such a strong word, I choose the word comfort.

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