As we all know, today is Valentine’s day. I’m one of those people without a Valentine to celebrate with… so my night is going to consist of Netflix, reading, and Chinese take out. Anyone else doing the same?
I refuse to allow myself to become miserable over today. I hate that I’m so socially awkward. I hate that I’m scared to leave my house. I hate that I’m so quiet… I hate that I’m so scared to get close to people. I feel like I might have been attractive enough to have a date tonight, if these hadn’t been issues for me. But tonight, I drown my sorrows in fresh baked cookies from scratch. Would anybody like to message on kik?

My Abusive Relationship Story.

While I was gone, I had promised myself that I was open my eyes up to new experiences in life… and I did.
Come late November, I met the most amazing guy that I had talked to in a very long time. It was a whirlwind romance, a spectacular Rendez-vous worthy of screaming towards the heavens. I thought this was going to be a wonderful relationship… but he turned out to be a not so wonderful guy.

From the beginning we had fallen in love, it was one of the very few times that I had let my guard down for a man (I will learn from my mistake). Once he knew he had me in love with him, he turned very quickly. Initially I thought it was a gradual change, until after we broke up and I went back to read my old journal entries, there was nothing gradual about how he was acting. The only thing that had slowly begun to change was my perception of him as I slowly came to my senses.
At first, he would just get jealous or angry that I had an account on MEETME regardless if I was using it or not, he wanted to go through it all the time. I wasn’t cheating, and even though after two weeks of checking it constantly, he didn’t believe me. Then came the other social media, he was checking my instagram, twitter, and text messages more than I was. He continuously posted pictures of himself all over my instagram. I thought it was a cute sentiment at the time but later I realized it’s so everyone would see that he was the alpha male. He had me delete these things. Delete the MEETME, delete ex’s from my Instagram, delete everybody from my phone that he didn’t like (which included every single one of my friends), and the most stupid part about this thing was that I let him. I waited at his feet like a little puppy dog for his next command. I was becoming depressed by this point, when he would leave for work it would sink in how alone I was, I had nobody to talk to at all.

Next came cutting me off from family. The only person he’d allow me to be around was my grandmother, and I think that’s because she was the only one completely ignorant to the situation (which could’ve been dangerous because I was living with her at the time). The rest of my family saw straight through him, and they worried for my safety. If I wasn’t alone at home–which became rare because as I said before I was extremely depressed and therefore never went anywhere– he would call me no less than every 20 minutes. And he would get very very angry if I was driving and didn’t answer the phone, even though that was the reason for my car accident (which I’ll get to in another post). Keep in mind that if I wasn’t at home, I was with family (I didn’t have any friends left). I remember in particular one time where he called me like 1000 times even though I told him I was driving my other around and finally she picked up the phone, he had a hissy fit wanting to know exactly where I was and who I was with and he questioned every little detail, EVEN THOUGH MY MOTHER PICKED UP THE PHONE. She told him to calm down the controlling stuff before it got bad, and he flipped out. He hated the word controllling and swore to every family member who called him that, that he wasn’t and never would be, even though that was exactly what he was doing. He didn’t want to face the music of what he was really doing to me. My cousin had been his friend for years prior and my cousin told me to watch my back, I finally understand why.

He had this way of balancing out the good with all of the bad, He would do things to get me to forgive him every time we got into a fight (which my this point was extremely often), he yelled at me a lot. If you’ve been around on this blog for a while you would understand why getting yelled at is such an issue to me, its scary and makes me break down *escepically when getting yelled at by someone three times my size as the was*. Further than that he called me names, terrible awful names that shouldn’t ever be repeated, and he put me down constantly. My self worth was gone. After these fighting episodes he would bring me roses, take me out on a date, anything to make me feel better and sweep his mistakes under the rug, every time he would do this I assumed it meant that he learned what he did wrong and it meant that he wouldn’t do it again, I was wrong.

This went on for what felt like an eternity, until the night that we broke up. That night was when shit hit the fan. It started as a normal night, we had just gotten into another argument about him thinking that I was cheating and it was a nasty argument. Afterwards he came over and brought me some movies that I liked so we could have a movie night. It was the most strained we have ever been, we wouldn’t get near each other, we sat on opposite ends of the couch, no cuddling. It was odd. And then came the point at the end of the night where he blatantly demanded my phone. Before it was different; he would ask, I don’t do demands. For the first time ever I finally told him NO. And that was a mistake, that was the first time (and the last) that he put his hands on me. He kept trying to reach for the phone and I held out my arm as far as I could from him and threw myself onto my side to get it as far away from him as possible (I wasn’t hiding anything, I just didn’t feel obligated to show him unless he could ask nicely) and so he grabbed my arm that was closest to him as hard as he could near my elbow and squeezed (this guy played football, he’s strong). I found later that I had a major bruise there. I’m not going into detail about the rest of the night but basically he ended up breaking up with me and walking out of my door for good, and I was left with a few more bruises.

The sad part is, that he thought what he was doing was okay, he didn’t think he was wrong at all. I could tell from the way he talked he sounded like this was what a normal relationship should’ve been like.
He came back a couple of weeks ago, I thought he had changed… until he told me that if he came back that there would be even more strict ground rules and plus I would have to make some huge grand apology, and then he told me straight out that he just wanted sex (as if I were some floozy) I kicked him to the curb though. As I said before, I learn from my mistakes.

Depression Cripples;

Where for art thou, oh loyal readers?

I’ve been gone for far too long, it seems I’ve been sent off to the looney bin again. Oh what a joyous day!
Not. I feel even worse now than before I went in. Today I was supposed to go back to school, my plan was to start getting back onto a normal schedule. Not just school, but my entire life. Anybody with Major Depressive Disorder can understand how hard something so small as scraping yourself out of bed to shower, take your medicine, and eat, ends up feeling like you’re climbing Mount Everest. Anyways, rather than going to school, I ended up in the hospital (the regular one this time). It seems that my body has decided to give up again. Believe me, I’m right there with it. My body is severely infected and I cant get my meds until Monday. WAY TO GO shitty American healthcare system.

I’ve missed this, I miss posting here, I miss my followers, the friends I’ve made. Expect posts on a regular basis again guys. I’m not quite sure what days I’m going to do (I haven’t quite gotten that far yet) BUT IM GETTIN’ THERE.

Drafting Suicide Notes (with no intention of using them)

Hey guys,

Today I picked kind of a more odd topic: Is it weird to draft suicide notes as a therapeutic outlet? I had someone send an email (keeping it anonymous) asking about my opinion on this, and of course my opinion is no! its not weird.
I like everyone to keep I mind that grieving process is different for everybody, whether you’re grieving a death, a stressful situation, or just getting through depression. Not everybody can process things smoothly, so naturally we cling to any outlet that we could possibly find and I’ve seen (and used) a very wide range of them. And let’s be honest, most of mine aren’t exactly the healthiest options for myself. Suicide notes usually aren’t about suicide (as confusing as that sounds) it’s usually about expressing how you feel, when you think nobody was ever listening before then. It’s almost like journaling in a morbid kind of way. A few months ago I was completely obsessed with this documentary on Netflix about bipolar disorder I found this one woman that said when she hit the low point of bipolar and felt very suicidal, she would always write a suicide note before she brought herself to doing anything too drastic, because she knew that after the letter was written she felt like she got everything out, and it provided enough of a distraction to where it took the edge off the suicidal urge. And it wasn’t just one or two times that she did it, she kept an entire box of these notes.
Watching that made me feel better because it was then that I realized that I did it too, I usually kept them in my journals though, when I was extremely down I would draft a suicide note in my journal and it made me feel better to express to the world everything that I kept locked inside of me for so long,
so no, I don’t think its weird. I think it’s good that you have an outlet for yourself -KJ

Why We Shouldn’t Judge Strangers (Acacia Brenly Clark)

I hate to jump on this bandwagon, I mean we all know that I’m not one to join in on drama, namely the drama over the internet but I really had a few passionate thoughts or things to say. I’m not bringing this up to either defend nor hate on her but can we all just take a step back and use this as a learning experience? Here’s the question: why do people hate on Acacia Clark so much?

There’s been some controversy all over YouTube, all the way from passive aggressive comments made through the twitter feed down the just downright nasty and hatful comments left on her YouTube page. Why is this? There’s been a lot of accusations thrown around on this girl: she fakes mental disorders, she fakes self harming, she gives her number to too many guys, she uses men, and that she Photoshops her body.
Alright,
1) my comment on the last three things that I named is WHO THE HELL CARES? This is a seventeen year old girl, who gives a damn what she does in her spare time? Do any of us spend enough time with her to know what really goes on or if any of this even really happens? If she does it, maybe she has a valid reason? Even if you know her in real life, do you know every intimate detail of her being and her thoughts enough to accurately pass a judgement? I say this time and time again on here and we all know it, YOU DONT KNOW WHAT’S GOING ON IN SOMEONE ELSES HEAD.

2)  Which brings me to the next point of “faking” mental illness. She came out in a video talking about her social anxiety and I personally admire her for it. Talking about any sort of a mental illness on the internet is fucking terrifying ESPECIALLY on YouTube, I’ve been getting questions lately on why I’m on wordpress instead of YouTube and this right here would be my primary reason. social anxiety has left me terrified of being in front of a camera except for the occasional selfie, Laura Lejuene (you should check out her channel: https://www.youtube.com/user/Downtownpatrol)  has made a point that I really like: when someone has a mental illness of any sort, days are not always the same/ equal, some days are easier than others. Just because I’m not able to even look at myself in the mirror some days doesn’t mean that I won’t be able to film a full video and post 100000 instagram selfies tomorrow. This is what leads me to believe that she’s not faking it. People made comments that the things she described in her video did not fit the description for social anxiety but to everyone who’s raised this concern to me I have told them all the same exact thing “so that must mean that you specifically are Acacia’s therapist or some other form of a mental health professional who’s spent many many years of your life studying these things in order to properly diagnose her? no? okay then. Mental illness does not have one set of specific guidelines that means the same exact thing in every little aspect for everybody in the world with that illness. And to the person that said that you can’t have a mental illness without being diagnosed, you are COMPLETELY mistaken and I feel bad for you if you believe that. thousands if not hundreds of thousands of cases of mental illness of every form from minor to severe go undiagnosed every year, either due to the fact that the person does not have any sort of resources to be able to go to the proper therapist to be able to diagnosed, or they’re simply just too scared to be able to come out and say things about these issues that they’re having, that being said, anxiety disorders are extremely common (especially In this day in age) so it’s not unlikely that she may very well have an anxiety disorder, the same goes for her claim of having depression. But then again, I’m not a trained professional so I am in no way qualified to diagnose her either way.
Here’s a link to her Social Anxiety video so that you can make your own opinion : https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ADWANrC_0m0

3) I’m not a fan of faking self harm and I’m not saying that she did or she didn’t, (but then again, even if she was faking it, that would make it for attention right? so then wouldn’t we want to help a mentally unstable person who’s practically begging for attention/help). I’m in the same boat as every body else reading this (unless you’re Acaia) I don’t know her and I don’t know what she does. Frankly it’s nobody’s business but herself and her family’s. Apparently her mother came out and said that they were real, that doesn’t make a difference to me. To myself as well as everybody else reading this, we shouldn’t care unless it’s to wish her well, which everybody should be doing anyways honestly. Just like with the bullying, we’ll all feel really fucking bad when the constant abuse and the lack of good word leads to something drastic such as suicide, then all of the attackers want to act like the victim like they wish they had the chance to take back everything they’ve said to her

And I think that the biggest issues that I’m having right now is the fact that all of my citations here are based on “I read this here” or “I heard this in a video”, I mean honestly guys, why must we attack strangers. In what way have her actions had absolutely ANY involvement to your own personal well being or your everyday life. I’m not here to say that what I think that she’s done is right or wrong, I’m here saying that can we just please back off of this girl a little? Everyone talks about how bad cyberbullying is, but I think we’ve all started to blur the lines between sharing our opinions and just down right being a bully, you’re hurting people weather you realize it or not, -KJ

Here’s the the holidays (handling stress)

Well guys, in advance I’d like to give everybody here a big round of applause for all of the complete bullshit that we’re about to be enduring for the next two months. It’s that time of the year again: THE HOLIDAYS.
Due to Thanksgiving day, food preparation, Christmas, gift buying, black Friday shopping, family coordinating, nanowrimo, and endless amounts of projects and added homework because teachers think that you have absolutely nothing better to do, the holidays can be rough, and they most likely will be.

Handling the stress
1)The key here is mostly just so acknowledge that it’s tough and acknowledge that there’s going to be a problem (although that doesn’t mean to dwell on it) so that you’re not in complete shock when things don’t turn out the way that you think they will
2)If you’re feeling overwhelmed don’t keep it bottled up. You’re going to most likely want the holidays to be an enjoyable time for everybody, and you don’t want that big explosion (I hate to tell you, its inevitable) to happen on a big holiday or when you’re with the people you love. Don’t be scared to take some time for yourself. In the middle of a busy week? Spend the night having a long bubble bath and a spa night, even if that just consists of pouring soap into your bath and a 99 cent face mask from the drug store.
3) PREPLAN PREPLAN PREPLAN. If you don’t already own a planner then this would be the time of the year to go buy one. Don’t try to just procrastinate and plan everything on the fly, that usually just ends up horribly for everybody. Work on time management and prioritizing your tasks, this Is a really important step

and finally 4) don’t push your limits. You know what you can handle and can’t handle. Don’t like everybody push you around into doing things that you don’t know if you’ll be able to take on. Don’t be scared to ask for help, we all need it sometimes

Happy Holidays in advance everybody, -KJ

To Post Or Not To Post;

I don’t really know what’s going on with me lately… holy hell. I have TONS of ideas of things that I really have been wanting to post about, there’s a four page long list sitting in the back of my planner. but it’s like every time that I sit down to talk about something it just never comes out the way I want it to. When I first started here I was able to speak my mind without any sort of worry about it, because the only person I was talking to was myself. Once I gained one or two followers it was great because I then had an audience I was able to talk to (a SMALL audience). But now there’s over 160 of you guys. This is MINDBLOWING to me honestly. I started out here as a means to express myself and over time we’ve grown together (those who’ve been around since my fetus days know what I’m talking about) into a place where we come together, it’s not just me going on about my issues but more so me sharing my story and giving my advice to everyone whose asked for it. But that’s the thing, I’m scared to share my story anymore. I know 160 may not be much compared to some of the more successful blogs here but to someone who’s terrified of human contact and has trouble even getting on the phone to order pizza. I find it astounding. So thank you again to everyone who’s been around supporting me. My biggest thing is that I’m scared that my content won’t be considered good enough… but I’ve also been reminding myself that the number of followers here has only been growing. not declining. So guys I promise, I’ll be posting more. Especially starting next month I’ll be posting daily during 25 days of Christmas(:

If you think you have a mental illness…

I’m sick and tired of hiding in the shadows so here I am *gasp* showing my face. Advice vlog…

Video

Common White Girl Tag

Tagging Anyone Who Wants To Do It(:

  1. Favorite Starbucks drink?
    ~Iced Mocha(:
  2. How long does it take you to get ready in the morning?
    ~About 2 hours on average, more if I have it. I’m pretty high maintenance and it takes me a while, but it all depends on what I’m getting ready for and how glamourized I’m getting for the day or where I’m going
  3. How many selfies do you take on a daily basis?
    ~probably about 5 or 10 but that’s just because it takes me a while to get a shot I really like, sometimes more if im with my friends or whatever. Not counting if I’m on snapchat then that number jumps to about 30 haha
  4. How many instagram followers and pics do you have?
    ~16 followers, 42 pictures
    my instagram is kaiaa_love
  5. Do you ever say LOL or OMG out loud
    ~I don’t say lol but I have caught myself saying OMG, and it makes me feel pretty stupid but it’s just a habit I don’t even mean to. I do text both of them a ton
  6. Are you racist?
    ~I think this is pretty stupid to add whoever created this tag but no, I am not
  7. How many tweets do you have?
    ~0. I hate twitter I don have one
  8. Instagram, twitter, or tumblr?
    ~Instagram all the way(:
  9. What do you spend most of your time doing?
    ~listening to music or on youtube
  10. Are you a shopaholic?
    ~oh lord, with online shopping most definitely, it’s horrible.
  11. How many times have you watched mean girls?
    ~100s omg, that’s my favorite movie tbh
  12. Do you take a lot of pictures of your food before you eat it?
    ~no, honestly like I think it’s stupid to post pictures of food to your instagram and stuff but that just me. I’ll admit I am KINDA guilty of this sometimes because I have culinary classes and I’m not a good cook so when I make something that looks good I’m definitely going to post it because I’m so proud of it, but I’m not obsessive about it
  13. How do you usually style your hair?
    ~I usually straighten it
  14. Do you always look presentable?
    ~If im leaving the house then yea, but not if im just sitting at home. But like even if im just going to run to walmart to go grocery shopping I have to look cute, meaning makeup and everything.

 

SICK DAY ESSENTIALS/outfits and makeup ideas.

Yeah so the day before last I had an itchy throat, and literally overnight it esculated to not being able to talk because I was so sick, its awful. Everyone in my house is sick now because of me. I ALWAYS end up sick a week or two before Halloween. I have the daily kind of life where I have to get up and go to school at six in the morning every day and these are all of the things I use to get me through that.

So without further ado, my sick day essentials.

  1. Lipbalm, my lips get all gross and chapped (I love e.o.s just throwing that out there)
  2. lotion and face moisturizer for the same reason
  3. homework, when I get home from school I end up laying in bed until its time to go to sleep… and I have a whole pile of undone math homework stacked up
  4. the tropical fruity kind of cough drops, the regular flavor grosses me out.
  5. WATER. lots and lots of water
  6. a comfortable hoodie. I have a low body temp while sick which is only made worse by my school feeling the urge to keep the air conditioner blasting all day. My grandparents went on a road trip this weekend and brought me back a nice comfy thick hoodie today when they got back
  7. headphones and a novel, it hurts to talk so I find ways to stay focused on other things, just something to avoid social awkwardness
  8. a stack of movies, namely the nightmare before Christmas, the corpse bride (I love time burton), clockwork orange, monster inc (the new and old one), and all of the Halloweentown movies (which are personally my FAVORITE part of this time of the year, I watch them every year). My brother JD loves to lay in bed and watch movies with me
  9. My phone, I don’t have any Nyquil right now and when im sick without medicine my body loves to stay up all night and make me miserable. Instagram and KIK save me from that problem a bit.
    INSTAGRAM: kaiaa_love
  10. Portable tissue packs, I love the ones with the cute designs on them

personally around this time of the year while im sick and feel like crap all I want is to be comfortable. I’d be dragging my blanket around with me all through my school day if I could. As mentioned above I spring for a big black oversized hoodie that’s super warm, I usually just pair it with a tanktop and legging style yoga pants, along with either ugg boots or my slip on hello kitty vans because both are nice and comfortable so it all depends on what the weather is like outside because it can be pretty bipolar where I live.
As for bags for some reason this is the time of the year I love to carry a very small bag with a long cross-body type strap. I have a really cute coach one that looks like colorful patchwork on the front of it (I usually like huge oversized purses)
Makeup: honestly. none. I refuse to wear makeup when im sick because im always crying and with a runny nose it just ends up looking horrible by mid day. If I really want to try though I’ll just put on a bit of foundation and concealer so I don’t look so much like Emily (corpse bride reference)
Hair: I’ll either go for a top knot with a stretchy headband that makes a statement or a low side braid. My hair is naturally extremely curly so ill barely pull the flat iron through it just to give it a wavy look because I just hate how my curly hair looks in a top knot for some reason.
Hope I helped a bit & if you’re sick like me then GET WELL SOON(:

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