As we all know, today is Valentine’s day. I’m one of those people without a Valentine to celebrate with… so my night is going to consist of Netflix, reading, and Chinese take out. Anyone else doing the same?
I refuse to allow myself to become miserable over today. I hate that I’m so socially awkward. I hate that I’m scared to leave my house. I hate that I’m so quiet… I hate that I’m so scared to get close to people. I feel like I might have been attractive enough to have a date tonight, if these hadn’t been issues for me. But tonight, I drown my sorrows in fresh baked cookies from scratch. Would anybody like to message on kik?

My Abusive Relationship Story.

While I was gone, I had promised myself that I was open my eyes up to new experiences in life… and I did.
Come late November, I met the most amazing guy that I had talked to in a very long time. It was a whirlwind romance, a spectacular Rendez-vous worthy of screaming towards the heavens. I thought this was going to be a wonderful relationship… but he turned out to be a not so wonderful guy.

From the beginning we had fallen in love, it was one of the very few times that I had let my guard down for a man (I will learn from my mistake). Once he knew he had me in love with him, he turned very quickly. Initially I thought it was a gradual change, until after we broke up and I went back to read my old journal entries, there was nothing gradual about how he was acting. The only thing that had slowly begun to change was my perception of him as I slowly came to my senses.
At first, he would just get jealous or angry that I had an account on MEETME regardless if I was using it or not, he wanted to go through it all the time. I wasn’t cheating, and even though after two weeks of checking it constantly, he didn’t believe me. Then came the other social media, he was checking my instagram, twitter, and text messages more than I was. He continuously posted pictures of himself all over my instagram. I thought it was a cute sentiment at the time but later I realized it’s so everyone would see that he was the alpha male. He had me delete these things. Delete the MEETME, delete ex’s from my Instagram, delete everybody from my phone that he didn’t like (which included every single one of my friends), and the most stupid part about this thing was that I let him. I waited at his feet like a little puppy dog for his next command. I was becoming depressed by this point, when he would leave for work it would sink in how alone I was, I had nobody to talk to at all.

Next came cutting me off from family. The only person he’d allow me to be around was my grandmother, and I think that’s because she was the only one completely ignorant to the situation (which could’ve been dangerous because I was living with her at the time). The rest of my family saw straight through him, and they worried for my safety. If I wasn’t alone at home–which became rare because as I said before I was extremely depressed and therefore never went anywhere– he would call me no less than every 20 minutes. And he would get very very angry if I was driving and didn’t answer the phone, even though that was the reason for my car accident (which I’ll get to in another post). Keep in mind that if I wasn’t at home, I was with family (I didn’t have any friends left). I remember in particular one time where he called me like 1000 times even though I told him I was driving my other around and finally she picked up the phone, he had a hissy fit wanting to know exactly where I was and who I was with and he questioned every little detail, EVEN THOUGH MY MOTHER PICKED UP THE PHONE. She told him to calm down the controlling stuff before it got bad, and he flipped out. He hated the word controllling and swore to every family member who called him that, that he wasn’t and never would be, even though that was exactly what he was doing. He didn’t want to face the music of what he was really doing to me. My cousin had been his friend for years prior and my cousin told me to watch my back, I finally understand why.

He had this way of balancing out the good with all of the bad, He would do things to get me to forgive him every time we got into a fight (which my this point was extremely often), he yelled at me a lot. If you’ve been around on this blog for a while you would understand why getting yelled at is such an issue to me, its scary and makes me break down *escepically when getting yelled at by someone three times my size as the was*. Further than that he called me names, terrible awful names that shouldn’t ever be repeated, and he put me down constantly. My self worth was gone. After these fighting episodes he would bring me roses, take me out on a date, anything to make me feel better and sweep his mistakes under the rug, every time he would do this I assumed it meant that he learned what he did wrong and it meant that he wouldn’t do it again, I was wrong.

This went on for what felt like an eternity, until the night that we broke up. That night was when shit hit the fan. It started as a normal night, we had just gotten into another argument about him thinking that I was cheating and it was a nasty argument. Afterwards he came over and brought me some movies that I liked so we could have a movie night. It was the most strained we have ever been, we wouldn’t get near each other, we sat on opposite ends of the couch, no cuddling. It was odd. And then came the point at the end of the night where he blatantly demanded my phone. Before it was different; he would ask, I don’t do demands. For the first time ever I finally told him NO. And that was a mistake, that was the first time (and the last) that he put his hands on me. He kept trying to reach for the phone and I held out my arm as far as I could from him and threw myself onto my side to get it as far away from him as possible (I wasn’t hiding anything, I just didn’t feel obligated to show him unless he could ask nicely) and so he grabbed my arm that was closest to him as hard as he could near my elbow and squeezed (this guy played football, he’s strong). I found later that I had a major bruise there. I’m not going into detail about the rest of the night but basically he ended up breaking up with me and walking out of my door for good, and I was left with a few more bruises.

The sad part is, that he thought what he was doing was okay, he didn’t think he was wrong at all. I could tell from the way he talked he sounded like this was what a normal relationship should’ve been like.
He came back a couple of weeks ago, I thought he had changed… until he told me that if he came back that there would be even more strict ground rules and plus I would have to make some huge grand apology, and then he told me straight out that he just wanted sex (as if I were some floozy) I kicked him to the curb though. As I said before, I learn from my mistakes.

Depression Cripples;

Where for art thou, oh loyal readers?

I’ve been gone for far too long, it seems I’ve been sent off to the looney bin again. Oh what a joyous day!
Not. I feel even worse now than before I went in. Today I was supposed to go back to school, my plan was to start getting back onto a normal schedule. Not just school, but my entire life. Anybody with Major Depressive Disorder can understand how hard something so small as scraping yourself out of bed to shower, take your medicine, and eat, ends up feeling like you’re climbing Mount Everest. Anyways, rather than going to school, I ended up in the hospital (the regular one this time). It seems that my body has decided to give up again. Believe me, I’m right there with it. My body is severely infected and I cant get my meds until Monday. WAY TO GO shitty American healthcare system.

I’ve missed this, I miss posting here, I miss my followers, the friends I’ve made. Expect posts on a regular basis again guys. I’m not quite sure what days I’m going to do (I haven’t quite gotten that far yet) BUT IM GETTIN’ THERE.

Drafting Suicide Notes (with no intention of using them)

Hey guys,

Today I picked kind of a more odd topic: Is it weird to draft suicide notes as a therapeutic outlet? I had someone send an email (keeping it anonymous) asking about my opinion on this, and of course my opinion is no! its not weird.
I like everyone to keep I mind that grieving process is different for everybody, whether you’re grieving a death, a stressful situation, or just getting through depression. Not everybody can process things smoothly, so naturally we cling to any outlet that we could possibly find and I’ve seen (and used) a very wide range of them. And let’s be honest, most of mine aren’t exactly the healthiest options for myself. Suicide notes usually aren’t about suicide (as confusing as that sounds) it’s usually about expressing how you feel, when you think nobody was ever listening before then. It’s almost like journaling in a morbid kind of way. A few months ago I was completely obsessed with this documentary on Netflix about bipolar disorder I found this one woman that said when she hit the low point of bipolar and felt very suicidal, she would always write a suicide note before she brought herself to doing anything too drastic, because she knew that after the letter was written she felt like she got everything out, and it provided enough of a distraction to where it took the edge off the suicidal urge. And it wasn’t just one or two times that she did it, she kept an entire box of these notes.
Watching that made me feel better because it was then that I realized that I did it too, I usually kept them in my journals though, when I was extremely down I would draft a suicide note in my journal and it made me feel better to express to the world everything that I kept locked inside of me for so long,
so no, I don’t think its weird. I think it’s good that you have an outlet for yourself -KJ

Why We Shouldn’t Judge Strangers (Acacia Brenly Clark)

I hate to jump on this bandwagon, I mean we all know that I’m not one to join in on drama, namely the drama over the internet but I really had a few passionate thoughts or things to say. I’m not bringing this up to either defend nor hate on her but can we all just take a step back and use this as a learning experience? Here’s the question: why do people hate on Acacia Clark so much?

There’s been some controversy all over YouTube, all the way from passive aggressive comments made through the twitter feed down the just downright nasty and hatful comments left on her YouTube page. Why is this? There’s been a lot of accusations thrown around on this girl: she fakes mental disorders, she fakes self harming, she gives her number to too many guys, she uses men, and that she Photoshops her body.
Alright,
1) my comment on the last three things that I named is WHO THE HELL CARES? This is a seventeen year old girl, who gives a damn what she does in her spare time? Do any of us spend enough time with her to know what really goes on or if any of this even really happens? If she does it, maybe she has a valid reason? Even if you know her in real life, do you know every intimate detail of her being and her thoughts enough to accurately pass a judgement? I say this time and time again on here and we all know it, YOU DONT KNOW WHAT’S GOING ON IN SOMEONE ELSES HEAD.

2)  Which brings me to the next point of “faking” mental illness. She came out in a video talking about her social anxiety and I personally admire her for it. Talking about any sort of a mental illness on the internet is fucking terrifying ESPECIALLY on YouTube, I’ve been getting questions lately on why I’m on wordpress instead of YouTube and this right here would be my primary reason. social anxiety has left me terrified of being in front of a camera except for the occasional selfie, Laura Lejuene (you should check out her channel: https://www.youtube.com/user/Downtownpatrol)  has made a point that I really like: when someone has a mental illness of any sort, days are not always the same/ equal, some days are easier than others. Just because I’m not able to even look at myself in the mirror some days doesn’t mean that I won’t be able to film a full video and post 100000 instagram selfies tomorrow. This is what leads me to believe that she’s not faking it. People made comments that the things she described in her video did not fit the description for social anxiety but to everyone who’s raised this concern to me I have told them all the same exact thing “so that must mean that you specifically are Acacia’s therapist or some other form of a mental health professional who’s spent many many years of your life studying these things in order to properly diagnose her? no? okay then. Mental illness does not have one set of specific guidelines that means the same exact thing in every little aspect for everybody in the world with that illness. And to the person that said that you can’t have a mental illness without being diagnosed, you are COMPLETELY mistaken and I feel bad for you if you believe that. thousands if not hundreds of thousands of cases of mental illness of every form from minor to severe go undiagnosed every year, either due to the fact that the person does not have any sort of resources to be able to go to the proper therapist to be able to diagnosed, or they’re simply just too scared to be able to come out and say things about these issues that they’re having, that being said, anxiety disorders are extremely common (especially In this day in age) so it’s not unlikely that she may very well have an anxiety disorder, the same goes for her claim of having depression. But then again, I’m not a trained professional so I am in no way qualified to diagnose her either way.
Here’s a link to her Social Anxiety video so that you can make your own opinion : https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ADWANrC_0m0

3) I’m not a fan of faking self harm and I’m not saying that she did or she didn’t, (but then again, even if she was faking it, that would make it for attention right? so then wouldn’t we want to help a mentally unstable person who’s practically begging for attention/help). I’m in the same boat as every body else reading this (unless you’re Acaia) I don’t know her and I don’t know what she does. Frankly it’s nobody’s business but herself and her family’s. Apparently her mother came out and said that they were real, that doesn’t make a difference to me. To myself as well as everybody else reading this, we shouldn’t care unless it’s to wish her well, which everybody should be doing anyways honestly. Just like with the bullying, we’ll all feel really fucking bad when the constant abuse and the lack of good word leads to something drastic such as suicide, then all of the attackers want to act like the victim like they wish they had the chance to take back everything they’ve said to her

And I think that the biggest issues that I’m having right now is the fact that all of my citations here are based on “I read this here” or “I heard this in a video”, I mean honestly guys, why must we attack strangers. In what way have her actions had absolutely ANY involvement to your own personal well being or your everyday life. I’m not here to say that what I think that she’s done is right or wrong, I’m here saying that can we just please back off of this girl a little? Everyone talks about how bad cyberbullying is, but I think we’ve all started to blur the lines between sharing our opinions and just down right being a bully, you’re hurting people weather you realize it or not, -KJ

To Post Or Not To Post;

I don’t really know what’s going on with me lately… holy hell. I have TONS of ideas of things that I really have been wanting to post about, there’s a four page long list sitting in the back of my planner. but it’s like every time that I sit down to talk about something it just never comes out the way I want it to. When I first started here I was able to speak my mind without any sort of worry about it, because the only person I was talking to was myself. Once I gained one or two followers it was great because I then had an audience I was able to talk to (a SMALL audience). But now there’s over 160 of you guys. This is MINDBLOWING to me honestly. I started out here as a means to express myself and over time we’ve grown together (those who’ve been around since my fetus days know what I’m talking about) into a place where we come together, it’s not just me going on about my issues but more so me sharing my story and giving my advice to everyone whose asked for it. But that’s the thing, I’m scared to share my story anymore. I know 160 may not be much compared to some of the more successful blogs here but to someone who’s terrified of human contact and has trouble even getting on the phone to order pizza. I find it astounding. So thank you again to everyone who’s been around supporting me. My biggest thing is that I’m scared that my content won’t be considered good enough… but I’ve also been reminding myself that the number of followers here has only been growing. not declining. So guys I promise, I’ll be posting more. Especially starting next month I’ll be posting daily during 25 days of Christmas(:

Relapse

I was so happy with myself, I figured that I was going so far in life, like maybe I was building this base for myself that allowed to be able to start creating a freedom and to start finding myself and actually start my career and school and my new life. In reality though I’m just stuck in a rut. I relapsed and cut again after almost flipping the car. I’m about to go make my appointment to finally take my license test but now I’m starting to second guess if that’d actually be a good idea or not,

on the bright side I started exploring myself in starting my career as a makeup artist and started a beauty blog, I’d love if anyone checked it out? I’ll be posting hauls, lookbooks, ootw’s, and tutorials. Thanks babes.

Scratches Aren’t Self Harm

Well loves, yet again I am back to battle against ignorance from people on the outside making assumptions

There are just a few things I would like to put out there:

1) YOU are in no way to judge to tell someone that what they do isn’t serious enough to count as self harm. If it’s an act done to inflict pain on one’s self (no matter the severity) it constitutes as self harm

2) the fact that it is not done on the wrist means nothing. In fact, I don’t really know anybody who does it on the wrist, most people I know do it elsewhere to hide it from people. That being said, just because It’s done on the wrist means nothing as well

3) cutting is not the only form of self harm, it’s only the one that is most well known. Many other forms of self harm exist, including burning, scab picking, and even ones as far fetched as sex in the form of self harm (I’ve read on one of my follower’s blogs)

4) So what if they do it for attention? That doesn’t mean a damn. All that means is that they need people to see them, they’re begging for someone to notice them before it’s too late. Just because it’s for attention doesn’t make them any less than the people who hide it

5) NOT ALL PEOPLE WHO SELF HARM DO IT FOR ATTENTION, NOR ARE THEY “MENTALLY ILL PSYCHOPATHS” <- im sick and tired of assumptions like this, it’s disgusting.

6) The worst thing you could do is bully someone who self harms

7) You don’t know what people are going through, don’t make assumptions on anybody. You aren’t them, you don’t know what’s going through their head at any given moment (no matter how much you think you know them). Don’t let the blood of someone else’s death rest on your hands.

Expolsive Depression

When I think about depression, I think about being tired. You’re exhausted, your sick of things, you don’t want to see the light you just want to be left alone. And yet, you just deal with it.
But I experienced the most terrifying bout of depression that I’ve had in my entire life. I’ve never been so scared of myself before. I was depressed, but the feelings of being done was way beyond anything I had ever experienced before in my life. I just got so frustrated. I wasn’t just depressed, I was… angry. That’s an emotion that I haven’t genuinely felt in an extremely long time. Sure, I get annoyed occasionally… but never a legit angry. And the worst part is… I don’t even know why, but then again I never do anymore.
A depressed feeling randomly came over me, nothing unusual there… but then it took a weird turn. Usually my depression takes a while to build up, but within a matter of hours it had built up and built up so heavily that I just completely lost a grip on myself. I was thinking so irrationally it was ridiculous. I started freaking out, in my mind everyone was against me. I was laying on the ground crying and trying not to scream. I was so frustrated I wanted to cut again but I’ve been doing so good about not doing it but eventually I lost control and just didn’t know what to do. I started clawing at myself because I just didn’t know what to do. The marks started swelling and burning but eventually I fell asleep and when I woke up they were gone. I slept for a couple of hours and I woke up at 3 a.m. and never got back to sleep
The following day I went to school and pretended like everything was just gravy. The past few days have been really rough but naturally I’m dealing with it. Hopefully things will get better soon though. Today I am officially an out patient at the local mental hospital. Fingers crossed, guys. X

 

Giving Up Finally

I’ve tried very hard lately to force myself to participate in life and talk to people and not completely exile myself but still I cannot do it anymore. My main reason was I was scared to lose my friends even though I didn’t want to be around people. It hit me today that Friday I’m losing the person closest to me, My best friend is moving away and then I’m left with nothing. Everyone keeps trying to make me feel better by saying ‘oh well you can still text and skype’ but in all actuality im not the type of person that handles any kind of long distance relationship (friendship or otherwise) over long term, so I see no point in bothering. So today I finally said fuck it. I didn’t talk to anybody, I sat alone at lunch and honestly it felt really nice. I didn’t have to worry about people trying to get me involved in the conversation or continuously asking what’s wrong with me, I could really just sit by myself and think. I guess I’m going to start cutting ties with people and just standing alone for a while.

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