Expolsive Depression

When I think about depression, I think about being tired. You’re exhausted, your sick of things, you don’t want to see the light you just want to be left alone. And yet, you just deal with it.
But I experienced the most terrifying bout of depression that I’ve had in my entire life. I’ve never been so scared of myself before. I was depressed, but the feelings of being done was way beyond anything I had ever experienced before in my life. I just got so frustrated. I wasn’t just depressed, I was… angry. That’s an emotion that I haven’t genuinely felt in an extremely long time. Sure, I get annoyed occasionally… but never a legit angry. And the worst part is… I don’t even know why, but then again I never do anymore.
A depressed feeling randomly came over me, nothing unusual there… but then it took a weird turn. Usually my depression takes a while to build up, but within a matter of hours it had built up and built up so heavily that I just completely lost a grip on myself. I was thinking so irrationally it was ridiculous. I started freaking out, in my mind everyone was against me. I was laying on the ground crying and trying not to scream. I was so frustrated I wanted to cut again but I’ve been doing so good about not doing it but eventually I lost control and just didn’t know what to do. I started clawing at myself because I just didn’t know what to do. The marks started swelling and burning but eventually I fell asleep and when I woke up they were gone. I slept for a couple of hours and I woke up at 3 a.m. and never got back to sleep
The following day I went to school and pretended like everything was just gravy. The past few days have been really rough but naturally I’m dealing with it. Hopefully things will get better soon though. Today I am officially an out patient at the local mental hospital. Fingers crossed, guys. X

 

If you think you have a mental illness…

I’m sick and tired of hiding in the shadows so here I am *gasp* showing my face. Advice vlog…

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Talking To Your Therapist.

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Sometimes when you can’t explain things to your therapist, it may be time to be 5 years old again and break out the crayons and draw them a picture

100 followers, thank you all

To all my followers,
I want to say thank you. It means a lot to know that there’s 100 people out there that are backing me up and supporting me, it honestly does mean a lot.
I love you all
And sorry that I haven’t been posting much lately. I’ve fallen into sort of another depressed state, which usually always just consist of short nights of me watching Netflix, blowing off my school work, and going to sleep early. I’m not sure what to post about to be honest, I mean I’ve got some ideas and I’d like to start talking about some topics I’ve been experiencing with my bipolar the last 8-9 months. But really I don’t want to talk about it until I’m like “officially” diagnosed. I know what I feel and how I feel but I’m not sure exactly what it is. I’ve still been researching a lot. I like watching youtube videos and documentaries (if you have Netflix, I really like “one of two minds”) it’s nice to compare personal experiences and such
But anyways, I’ll get set up with a therapist hopefully next week, fingers crossed.

 

I think I might be bipolar. / I’m taking a huge step

Hey guys, so I know that I haven’t posted much other than my last couple of rants (take that society!) but I’ve had a lot on my mind. On the bright side, I think that I may have FINALLY gotten a few things straightened out to where they make sense in my head. I think that I might be bipolar. If you know me, you would know that I absolutely hate to self diagnose anything because I begin getting paranoid about stuff but this time it’s different, I feel like I might’ve finally found some sort of an explanation for this.
It explains why some times I’m extremely hyper and everyone’s best friend and why other times I become so down that doing anything at all no matter how simple seems completely impossible (the depression phases are the worst). I thought that there was just something wrong with me to be honest. Like when I would lash out and be a complete bitch to people a lot of the time and really not even know why. I feel like this might be a way to finally explain it to myself so I did a little research. Social anxiety is also really common with this sort of thing as well
I’m 15 almost 16, does anyone know if it might be too late for symptoms to show in me? I’ve been like this since I was about 13/14 that I can remember.
But I always thought that it was just average teen hormones. My mom was quick to disagree because of the extent of how dramatic things are.
I guess I’ll find out soon though because… *drumroll*

Kaia decided to put aside her foolish pride for a while and on the 22nd I have an appointment with my primary care doctor to set me up with a therapist. I’m finally taking the first step. I just want to say a huge thank you to all of my followers that have been here for me and commented with all of your support, you guys have really helped me and encouraged me to finally get a little bit of help. I love you all ❤

~kaia

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