As we all know, today is Valentine’s day. I’m one of those people without a Valentine to celebrate with… so my night is going to consist of Netflix, reading, and Chinese take out. Anyone else doing the same?
I refuse to allow myself to become miserable over today. I hate that I’m so socially awkward. I hate that I’m scared to leave my house. I hate that I’m so quiet… I hate that I’m so scared to get close to people. I feel like I might have been attractive enough to have a date tonight, if these hadn’t been issues for me. But tonight, I drown my sorrows in fresh baked cookies from scratch. Would anybody like to message on kik?

Depression Cripples;

Where for art thou, oh loyal readers?

I’ve been gone for far too long, it seems I’ve been sent off to the looney bin again. Oh what a joyous day!
Not. I feel even worse now than before I went in. Today I was supposed to go back to school, my plan was to start getting back onto a normal schedule. Not just school, but my entire life. Anybody with Major Depressive Disorder can understand how hard something so small as scraping yourself out of bed to shower, take your medicine, and eat, ends up feeling like you’re climbing Mount Everest. Anyways, rather than going to school, I ended up in the hospital (the regular one this time). It seems that my body has decided to give up again. Believe me, I’m right there with it. My body is severely infected and I cant get my meds until Monday. WAY TO GO shitty American healthcare system.

I’ve missed this, I miss posting here, I miss my followers, the friends I’ve made. Expect posts on a regular basis again guys. I’m not quite sure what days I’m going to do (I haven’t quite gotten that far yet) BUT IM GETTIN’ THERE.

To Post Or Not To Post;

I don’t really know what’s going on with me lately… holy hell. I have TONS of ideas of things that I really have been wanting to post about, there’s a four page long list sitting in the back of my planner. but it’s like every time that I sit down to talk about something it just never comes out the way I want it to. When I first started here I was able to speak my mind without any sort of worry about it, because the only person I was talking to was myself. Once I gained one or two followers it was great because I then had an audience I was able to talk to (a SMALL audience). But now there’s over 160 of you guys. This is MINDBLOWING to me honestly. I started out here as a means to express myself and over time we’ve grown together (those who’ve been around since my fetus days know what I’m talking about) into a place where we come together, it’s not just me going on about my issues but more so me sharing my story and giving my advice to everyone whose asked for it. But that’s the thing, I’m scared to share my story anymore. I know 160 may not be much compared to some of the more successful blogs here but to someone who’s terrified of human contact and has trouble even getting on the phone to order pizza. I find it astounding. So thank you again to everyone who’s been around supporting me. My biggest thing is that I’m scared that my content won’t be considered good enough… but I’ve also been reminding myself that the number of followers here has only been growing. not declining. So guys I promise, I’ll be posting more. Especially starting next month I’ll be posting daily during 25 days of Christmas(:

Depression Update

For a while there I was starting to get a lot better with the whole depression thing. I was starting to talk to a couple of friends and I even got past my fear of going into the lunch line at school and ordering lunch which was a huge milestone for me. But this weekend out of nowhere I got pulled back so much lower than I was before. It feels instantaneous really. Past couple days I havent had any urge to live life like a normal human being. I find myself struggling to perform basic necessities for life such as getting up to make myself food or to take showers, as gross as that sounds but its the truth. I didnt want to bother communicating with my grandmother to ask her to borrow her laptop so I just started blogging from my phone. I even dropped out pf NaNoWriMo. The thought of It just scared me and gave me anxiety and I dont know how to explain It but I just couldnt do It. Its 7 at night and im exhausted mentally and so is my body. Its just a major change from where I brought myself up to. I thought I was finally getting better …

How i “cope”

Okay so  yeah there have been a lot of things going on lately that I’ve had a hard time dealing with. Sometimes you just don’t know what to do so I’m always on the lookout for new ways to just help me deal with everything that’s been going on . The only way I’ve found that works for me to help me “cope” with my anxiety/depression (and i use the term cope very loosely because for some reason i just absolutely HATE that word) is journaling and blogging. It’s pretty lame but honestly the best way for me personally is to get things out without the dreading of sitting face to face with a complete stranger and knowing that if you completely open up and slip and tell them the wrong thing they have the power to have you locked up in a mental hospital with just the press of a button. I reached 24 followers today. I know that number may seem completely insignificant to some people but for me to just sit here and bitch about the world and my problems it means something that people are actually caring, so thank you for everyone whose followed me and thank you to all of the kind and encouraging words I”ve been receiving lately.