As we all know, today is Valentine’s day. I’m one of those people without a Valentine to celebrate with… so my night is going to consist of Netflix, reading, and Chinese take out. Anyone else doing the same?
I refuse to allow myself to become miserable over today. I hate that I’m so socially awkward. I hate that I’m scared to leave my house. I hate that I’m so quiet… I hate that I’m so scared to get close to people. I feel like I might have been attractive enough to have a date tonight, if these hadn’t been issues for me. But tonight, I drown my sorrows in fresh baked cookies from scratch. Would anybody like to message on kik?

Depression Cripples;

Where for art thou, oh loyal readers?

I’ve been gone for far too long, it seems I’ve been sent off to the looney bin again. Oh what a joyous day!
Not. I feel even worse now than before I went in. Today I was supposed to go back to school, my plan was to start getting back onto a normal schedule. Not just school, but my entire life. Anybody with Major Depressive Disorder can understand how hard something so small as scraping yourself out of bed to shower, take your medicine, and eat, ends up feeling like you’re climbing Mount Everest. Anyways, rather than going to school, I ended up in the hospital (the regular one this time). It seems that my body has decided to give up again. Believe me, I’m right there with it. My body is severely infected and I cant get my meds until Monday. WAY TO GO shitty American healthcare system.

I’ve missed this, I miss posting here, I miss my followers, the friends I’ve made. Expect posts on a regular basis again guys. I’m not quite sure what days I’m going to do (I haven’t quite gotten that far yet) BUT IM GETTIN’ THERE.

Drafting Suicide Notes (with no intention of using them)

Hey guys,

Today I picked kind of a more odd topic: Is it weird to draft suicide notes as a therapeutic outlet? I had someone send an email (keeping it anonymous) asking about my opinion on this, and of course my opinion is no! its not weird.
I like everyone to keep I mind that grieving process is different for everybody, whether you’re grieving a death, a stressful situation, or just getting through depression. Not everybody can process things smoothly, so naturally we cling to any outlet that we could possibly find and I’ve seen (and used) a very wide range of them. And let’s be honest, most of mine aren’t exactly the healthiest options for myself. Suicide notes usually aren’t about suicide (as confusing as that sounds) it’s usually about expressing how you feel, when you think nobody was ever listening before then. It’s almost like journaling in a morbid kind of way. A few months ago I was completely obsessed with this documentary on Netflix about bipolar disorder I found this one woman that said when she hit the low point of bipolar and felt very suicidal, she would always write a suicide note before she brought herself to doing anything too drastic, because she knew that after the letter was written she felt like she got everything out, and it provided enough of a distraction to where it took the edge off the suicidal urge. And it wasn’t just one or two times that she did it, she kept an entire box of these notes.
Watching that made me feel better because it was then that I realized that I did it too, I usually kept them in my journals though, when I was extremely down I would draft a suicide note in my journal and it made me feel better to express to the world everything that I kept locked inside of me for so long,
so no, I don’t think its weird. I think it’s good that you have an outlet for yourself -KJ

Why We Shouldn’t Judge Strangers (Acacia Brenly Clark)

I hate to jump on this bandwagon, I mean we all know that I’m not one to join in on drama, namely the drama over the internet but I really had a few passionate thoughts or things to say. I’m not bringing this up to either defend nor hate on her but can we all just take a step back and use this as a learning experience? Here’s the question: why do people hate on Acacia Clark so much?

There’s been some controversy all over YouTube, all the way from passive aggressive comments made through the twitter feed down the just downright nasty and hatful comments left on her YouTube page. Why is this? There’s been a lot of accusations thrown around on this girl: she fakes mental disorders, she fakes self harming, she gives her number to too many guys, she uses men, and that she Photoshops her body.
Alright,
1) my comment on the last three things that I named is WHO THE HELL CARES? This is a seventeen year old girl, who gives a damn what she does in her spare time? Do any of us spend enough time with her to know what really goes on or if any of this even really happens? If she does it, maybe she has a valid reason? Even if you know her in real life, do you know every intimate detail of her being and her thoughts enough to accurately pass a judgement? I say this time and time again on here and we all know it, YOU DONT KNOW WHAT’S GOING ON IN SOMEONE ELSES HEAD.

2)  Which brings me to the next point of “faking” mental illness. She came out in a video talking about her social anxiety and I personally admire her for it. Talking about any sort of a mental illness on the internet is fucking terrifying ESPECIALLY on YouTube, I’ve been getting questions lately on why I’m on wordpress instead of YouTube and this right here would be my primary reason. social anxiety has left me terrified of being in front of a camera except for the occasional selfie, Laura Lejuene (you should check out her channel: https://www.youtube.com/user/Downtownpatrol)  has made a point that I really like: when someone has a mental illness of any sort, days are not always the same/ equal, some days are easier than others. Just because I’m not able to even look at myself in the mirror some days doesn’t mean that I won’t be able to film a full video and post 100000 instagram selfies tomorrow. This is what leads me to believe that she’s not faking it. People made comments that the things she described in her video did not fit the description for social anxiety but to everyone who’s raised this concern to me I have told them all the same exact thing “so that must mean that you specifically are Acacia’s therapist or some other form of a mental health professional who’s spent many many years of your life studying these things in order to properly diagnose her? no? okay then. Mental illness does not have one set of specific guidelines that means the same exact thing in every little aspect for everybody in the world with that illness. And to the person that said that you can’t have a mental illness without being diagnosed, you are COMPLETELY mistaken and I feel bad for you if you believe that. thousands if not hundreds of thousands of cases of mental illness of every form from minor to severe go undiagnosed every year, either due to the fact that the person does not have any sort of resources to be able to go to the proper therapist to be able to diagnosed, or they’re simply just too scared to be able to come out and say things about these issues that they’re having, that being said, anxiety disorders are extremely common (especially In this day in age) so it’s not unlikely that she may very well have an anxiety disorder, the same goes for her claim of having depression. But then again, I’m not a trained professional so I am in no way qualified to diagnose her either way.
Here’s a link to her Social Anxiety video so that you can make your own opinion : https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ADWANrC_0m0

3) I’m not a fan of faking self harm and I’m not saying that she did or she didn’t, (but then again, even if she was faking it, that would make it for attention right? so then wouldn’t we want to help a mentally unstable person who’s practically begging for attention/help). I’m in the same boat as every body else reading this (unless you’re Acaia) I don’t know her and I don’t know what she does. Frankly it’s nobody’s business but herself and her family’s. Apparently her mother came out and said that they were real, that doesn’t make a difference to me. To myself as well as everybody else reading this, we shouldn’t care unless it’s to wish her well, which everybody should be doing anyways honestly. Just like with the bullying, we’ll all feel really fucking bad when the constant abuse and the lack of good word leads to something drastic such as suicide, then all of the attackers want to act like the victim like they wish they had the chance to take back everything they’ve said to her

And I think that the biggest issues that I’m having right now is the fact that all of my citations here are based on “I read this here” or “I heard this in a video”, I mean honestly guys, why must we attack strangers. In what way have her actions had absolutely ANY involvement to your own personal well being or your everyday life. I’m not here to say that what I think that she’s done is right or wrong, I’m here saying that can we just please back off of this girl a little? Everyone talks about how bad cyberbullying is, but I think we’ve all started to blur the lines between sharing our opinions and just down right being a bully, you’re hurting people weather you realize it or not, -KJ

To Post Or Not To Post;

I don’t really know what’s going on with me lately… holy hell. I have TONS of ideas of things that I really have been wanting to post about, there’s a four page long list sitting in the back of my planner. but it’s like every time that I sit down to talk about something it just never comes out the way I want it to. When I first started here I was able to speak my mind without any sort of worry about it, because the only person I was talking to was myself. Once I gained one or two followers it was great because I then had an audience I was able to talk to (a SMALL audience). But now there’s over 160 of you guys. This is MINDBLOWING to me honestly. I started out here as a means to express myself and over time we’ve grown together (those who’ve been around since my fetus days know what I’m talking about) into a place where we come together, it’s not just me going on about my issues but more so me sharing my story and giving my advice to everyone whose asked for it. But that’s the thing, I’m scared to share my story anymore. I know 160 may not be much compared to some of the more successful blogs here but to someone who’s terrified of human contact and has trouble even getting on the phone to order pizza. I find it astounding. So thank you again to everyone who’s been around supporting me. My biggest thing is that I’m scared that my content won’t be considered good enough… but I’ve also been reminding myself that the number of followers here has only been growing. not declining. So guys I promise, I’ll be posting more. Especially starting next month I’ll be posting daily during 25 days of Christmas(:

Relapse

I was so happy with myself, I figured that I was going so far in life, like maybe I was building this base for myself that allowed to be able to start creating a freedom and to start finding myself and actually start my career and school and my new life. In reality though I’m just stuck in a rut. I relapsed and cut again after almost flipping the car. I’m about to go make my appointment to finally take my license test but now I’m starting to second guess if that’d actually be a good idea or not,

on the bright side I started exploring myself in starting my career as a makeup artist and started a beauty blog, I’d love if anyone checked it out? I’ll be posting hauls, lookbooks, ootw’s, and tutorials. Thanks babes.

My Best Bully Ever (poem)

When I couldn’t run track
I was too fat
Then at 110
I was too thin
Like a ghost, I was too white
When I tanned…
truly sickening sight
I wouldn’t stop
I could not hide
These clawing demons left inside
I was frail
I was dying
It was a “joke”
It was “lying”
it was a bully in disguise
my best friend
with hazel eyes
I may have pulled the trigger
but you were secretly my killer
you can apologize with all your might
but it was you, my friend
that took my life

You Never Know

Hey guys, I just came on to spread a message really quickly.
We often times don’t stop to think about what we’re saying, and for a lot of people I’ve noticed that there seems to be NO FILTER between your brain and your mouth. I mean it’s cool to be outgoing, and speaking your mind is good but just always know that your actions have consequences. I don’t care how well you think you may know a person, chances are 9/10 times you probably have no idea what’s going on in their heads and you don’t know what they’re going through. I just really started reflecting on that yesterday when I talked to my drama teacher about getting switched out because of my social anxiety but I’m not going to lie, my depression played a huge part in it too, but anyways he said “wow, you must put up some really good masks because I would’ve never ever guessed that you’re going through that” And that’s the thing… you never know. People have been asking me questions, like 4 people asked me at lunch straight up “are you depressed?”. I would just say no and they’d shrug it off and say oh you’ve probably just had a bad week. WRONG.

It hasn’t been a bad week, it’s been a shitty last few months if anyone’s bothered to notice, but you don’t notice. You’ve only seen it the last couple weeks because that’s all I WANTED you to see… Well technically I’ve just been to low to hide it anymore, its more just about weakness now but you get where I was going. Noone knows nor suspects (openly) about what I’ve been dealing with. There’s this guy, I’ll call him Connor for the sake of this post, he bullies me and picks on me and makes me feel like shit. You know what I do? I put on a brave face and when I get home I cut, I let all of the insecurities he’s just created flow out of me at once. I bet he doesn’t know that he’s breaking me. I don’t care if he knows or not. But don’t let Connor be you. Don’t push and push someone over the edge. Even if it’s something small you’ve ever said negative to this person for the first time, you don’t know what’s going on in their head or what they just went through no matter how happy they appear to be. Don’t let the blood of someone else’s death rest on your hands.