As we all know, today is Valentine’s day. I’m one of those people without a Valentine to celebrate with… so my night is going to consist of Netflix, reading, and Chinese take out. Anyone else doing the same?
I refuse to allow myself to become miserable over today. I hate that I’m so socially awkward. I hate that I’m scared to leave my house. I hate that I’m so quiet… I hate that I’m so scared to get close to people. I feel like I might have been attractive enough to have a date tonight, if these hadn’t been issues for me. But tonight, I drown my sorrows in fresh baked cookies from scratch. Would anybody like to message on kik?

Depression Cripples;

Where for art thou, oh loyal readers?

I’ve been gone for far too long, it seems I’ve been sent off to the looney bin again. Oh what a joyous day!
Not. I feel even worse now than before I went in. Today I was supposed to go back to school, my plan was to start getting back onto a normal schedule. Not just school, but my entire life. Anybody with Major Depressive Disorder can understand how hard something so small as scraping yourself out of bed to shower, take your medicine, and eat, ends up feeling like you’re climbing Mount Everest. Anyways, rather than going to school, I ended up in the hospital (the regular one this time). It seems that my body has decided to give up again. Believe me, I’m right there with it. My body is severely infected and I cant get my meds until Monday. WAY TO GO shitty American healthcare system.

I’ve missed this, I miss posting here, I miss my followers, the friends I’ve made. Expect posts on a regular basis again guys. I’m not quite sure what days I’m going to do (I haven’t quite gotten that far yet) BUT IM GETTIN’ THERE.

Drafting Suicide Notes (with no intention of using them)

Hey guys,

Today I picked kind of a more odd topic: Is it weird to draft suicide notes as a therapeutic outlet? I had someone send an email (keeping it anonymous) asking about my opinion on this, and of course my opinion is no! its not weird.
I like everyone to keep I mind that grieving process is different for everybody, whether you’re grieving a death, a stressful situation, or just getting through depression. Not everybody can process things smoothly, so naturally we cling to any outlet that we could possibly find and I’ve seen (and used) a very wide range of them. And let’s be honest, most of mine aren’t exactly the healthiest options for myself. Suicide notes usually aren’t about suicide (as confusing as that sounds) it’s usually about expressing how you feel, when you think nobody was ever listening before then. It’s almost like journaling in a morbid kind of way. A few months ago I was completely obsessed with this documentary on Netflix about bipolar disorder I found this one woman that said when she hit the low point of bipolar and felt very suicidal, she would always write a suicide note before she brought herself to doing anything too drastic, because she knew that after the letter was written she felt like she got everything out, and it provided enough of a distraction to where it took the edge off the suicidal urge. And it wasn’t just one or two times that she did it, she kept an entire box of these notes.
Watching that made me feel better because it was then that I realized that I did it too, I usually kept them in my journals though, when I was extremely down I would draft a suicide note in my journal and it made me feel better to express to the world everything that I kept locked inside of me for so long,
so no, I don’t think its weird. I think it’s good that you have an outlet for yourself -KJ

Relapse

I was so happy with myself, I figured that I was going so far in life, like maybe I was building this base for myself that allowed to be able to start creating a freedom and to start finding myself and actually start my career and school and my new life. In reality though I’m just stuck in a rut. I relapsed and cut again after almost flipping the car. I’m about to go make my appointment to finally take my license test but now I’m starting to second guess if that’d actually be a good idea or not,

on the bright side I started exploring myself in starting my career as a makeup artist and started a beauty blog, I’d love if anyone checked it out? I’ll be posting hauls, lookbooks, ootw’s, and tutorials. Thanks babes.

You Never Know

Hey guys, I just came on to spread a message really quickly.
We often times don’t stop to think about what we’re saying, and for a lot of people I’ve noticed that there seems to be NO FILTER between your brain and your mouth. I mean it’s cool to be outgoing, and speaking your mind is good but just always know that your actions have consequences. I don’t care how well you think you may know a person, chances are 9/10 times you probably have no idea what’s going on in their heads and you don’t know what they’re going through. I just really started reflecting on that yesterday when I talked to my drama teacher about getting switched out because of my social anxiety but I’m not going to lie, my depression played a huge part in it too, but anyways he said “wow, you must put up some really good masks because I would’ve never ever guessed that you’re going through that” And that’s the thing… you never know. People have been asking me questions, like 4 people asked me at lunch straight up “are you depressed?”. I would just say no and they’d shrug it off and say oh you’ve probably just had a bad week. WRONG.

It hasn’t been a bad week, it’s been a shitty last few months if anyone’s bothered to notice, but you don’t notice. You’ve only seen it the last couple weeks because that’s all I WANTED you to see… Well technically I’ve just been to low to hide it anymore, its more just about weakness now but you get where I was going. Noone knows nor suspects (openly) about what I’ve been dealing with. There’s this guy, I’ll call him Connor for the sake of this post, he bullies me and picks on me and makes me feel like shit. You know what I do? I put on a brave face and when I get home I cut, I let all of the insecurities he’s just created flow out of me at once. I bet he doesn’t know that he’s breaking me. I don’t care if he knows or not. But don’t let Connor be you. Don’t push and push someone over the edge. Even if it’s something small you’ve ever said negative to this person for the first time, you don’t know what’s going on in their head or what they just went through no matter how happy they appear to be. Don’t let the blood of someone else’s death rest on your hands.

Your Words Hurt (poem)

Your words stand
behind her pain
standing tall
on her 5’2 frame
ignorance is bliss?
then just let her be
her flaws are all that
you’ll ever see.
nose up at the harassment
just live another day
and then the next, she will be dead
then whats there to say?

~i write these poems off the top of my head, not too hard judgement please~

XoX Kaia.Love

Aside