As we all know, today is Valentine’s day. I’m one of those people without a Valentine to celebrate with… so my night is going to consist of Netflix, reading, and Chinese take out. Anyone else doing the same?
I refuse to allow myself to become miserable over today. I hate that I’m so socially awkward. I hate that I’m scared to leave my house. I hate that I’m so quiet… I hate that I’m so scared to get close to people. I feel like I might have been attractive enough to have a date tonight, if these hadn’t been issues for me. But tonight, I drown my sorrows in fresh baked cookies from scratch. Would anybody like to message on kik?

My Abusive Relationship Story.

While I was gone, I had promised myself that I was open my eyes up to new experiences in life… and I did.
Come late November, I met the most amazing guy that I had talked to in a very long time. It was a whirlwind romance, a spectacular Rendez-vous worthy of screaming towards the heavens. I thought this was going to be a wonderful relationship… but he turned out to be a not so wonderful guy.

From the beginning we had fallen in love, it was one of the very few times that I had let my guard down for a man (I will learn from my mistake). Once he knew he had me in love with him, he turned very quickly. Initially I thought it was a gradual change, until after we broke up and I went back to read my old journal entries, there was nothing gradual about how he was acting. The only thing that had slowly begun to change was my perception of him as I slowly came to my senses.
At first, he would just get jealous or angry that I had an account on MEETME regardless if I was using it or not, he wanted to go through it all the time. I wasn’t cheating, and even though after two weeks of checking it constantly, he didn’t believe me. Then came the other social media, he was checking my instagram, twitter, and text messages more than I was. He continuously posted pictures of himself all over my instagram. I thought it was a cute sentiment at the time but later I realized it’s so everyone would see that he was the alpha male. He had me delete these things. Delete the MEETME, delete ex’s from my Instagram, delete everybody from my phone that he didn’t like (which included every single one of my friends), and the most stupid part about this thing was that I let him. I waited at his feet like a little puppy dog for his next command. I was becoming depressed by this point, when he would leave for work it would sink in how alone I was, I had nobody to talk to at all.

Next came cutting me off from family. The only person he’d allow me to be around was my grandmother, and I think that’s because she was the only one completely ignorant to the situation (which could’ve been dangerous because I was living with her at the time). The rest of my family saw straight through him, and they worried for my safety. If I wasn’t alone at home–which became rare because as I said before I was extremely depressed and therefore never went anywhere– he would call me no less than every 20 minutes. And he would get very very angry if I was driving and didn’t answer the phone, even though that was the reason for my car accident (which I’ll get to in another post). Keep in mind that if I wasn’t at home, I was with family (I didn’t have any friends left). I remember in particular one time where he called me like 1000 times even though I told him I was driving my other around and finally she picked up the phone, he had a hissy fit wanting to know exactly where I was and who I was with and he questioned every little detail, EVEN THOUGH MY MOTHER PICKED UP THE PHONE. She told him to calm down the controlling stuff before it got bad, and he flipped out. He hated the word controllling and swore to every family member who called him that, that he wasn’t and never would be, even though that was exactly what he was doing. He didn’t want to face the music of what he was really doing to me. My cousin had been his friend for years prior and my cousin told me to watch my back, I finally understand why.

He had this way of balancing out the good with all of the bad, He would do things to get me to forgive him every time we got into a fight (which my this point was extremely often), he yelled at me a lot. If you’ve been around on this blog for a while you would understand why getting yelled at is such an issue to me, its scary and makes me break down *escepically when getting yelled at by someone three times my size as the was*. Further than that he called me names, terrible awful names that shouldn’t ever be repeated, and he put me down constantly. My self worth was gone. After these fighting episodes he would bring me roses, take me out on a date, anything to make me feel better and sweep his mistakes under the rug, every time he would do this I assumed it meant that he learned what he did wrong and it meant that he wouldn’t do it again, I was wrong.

This went on for what felt like an eternity, until the night that we broke up. That night was when shit hit the fan. It started as a normal night, we had just gotten into another argument about him thinking that I was cheating and it was a nasty argument. Afterwards he came over and brought me some movies that I liked so we could have a movie night. It was the most strained we have ever been, we wouldn’t get near each other, we sat on opposite ends of the couch, no cuddling. It was odd. And then came the point at the end of the night where he blatantly demanded my phone. Before it was different; he would ask, I don’t do demands. For the first time ever I finally told him NO. And that was a mistake, that was the first time (and the last) that he put his hands on me. He kept trying to reach for the phone and I held out my arm as far as I could from him and threw myself onto my side to get it as far away from him as possible (I wasn’t hiding anything, I just didn’t feel obligated to show him unless he could ask nicely) and so he grabbed my arm that was closest to him as hard as he could near my elbow and squeezed (this guy played football, he’s strong). I found later that I had a major bruise there. I’m not going into detail about the rest of the night but basically he ended up breaking up with me and walking out of my door for good, and I was left with a few more bruises.

The sad part is, that he thought what he was doing was okay, he didn’t think he was wrong at all. I could tell from the way he talked he sounded like this was what a normal relationship should’ve been like.
He came back a couple of weeks ago, I thought he had changed… until he told me that if he came back that there would be even more strict ground rules and plus I would have to make some huge grand apology, and then he told me straight out that he just wanted sex (as if I were some floozy) I kicked him to the curb though. As I said before, I learn from my mistakes.

Depression Cripples;

Where for art thou, oh loyal readers?

I’ve been gone for far too long, it seems I’ve been sent off to the looney bin again. Oh what a joyous day!
Not. I feel even worse now than before I went in. Today I was supposed to go back to school, my plan was to start getting back onto a normal schedule. Not just school, but my entire life. Anybody with Major Depressive Disorder can understand how hard something so small as scraping yourself out of bed to shower, take your medicine, and eat, ends up feeling like you’re climbing Mount Everest. Anyways, rather than going to school, I ended up in the hospital (the regular one this time). It seems that my body has decided to give up again. Believe me, I’m right there with it. My body is severely infected and I cant get my meds until Monday. WAY TO GO shitty American healthcare system.

I’ve missed this, I miss posting here, I miss my followers, the friends I’ve made. Expect posts on a regular basis again guys. I’m not quite sure what days I’m going to do (I haven’t quite gotten that far yet) BUT IM GETTIN’ THERE.

To Post Or Not To Post;

I don’t really know what’s going on with me lately… holy hell. I have TONS of ideas of things that I really have been wanting to post about, there’s a four page long list sitting in the back of my planner. but it’s like every time that I sit down to talk about something it just never comes out the way I want it to. When I first started here I was able to speak my mind without any sort of worry about it, because the only person I was talking to was myself. Once I gained one or two followers it was great because I then had an audience I was able to talk to (a SMALL audience). But now there’s over 160 of you guys. This is MINDBLOWING to me honestly. I started out here as a means to express myself and over time we’ve grown together (those who’ve been around since my fetus days know what I’m talking about) into a place where we come together, it’s not just me going on about my issues but more so me sharing my story and giving my advice to everyone whose asked for it. But that’s the thing, I’m scared to share my story anymore. I know 160 may not be much compared to some of the more successful blogs here but to someone who’s terrified of human contact and has trouble even getting on the phone to order pizza. I find it astounding. So thank you again to everyone who’s been around supporting me. My biggest thing is that I’m scared that my content won’t be considered good enough… but I’ve also been reminding myself that the number of followers here has only been growing. not declining. So guys I promise, I’ll be posting more. Especially starting next month I’ll be posting daily during 25 days of Christmas(:

Relapse

I was so happy with myself, I figured that I was going so far in life, like maybe I was building this base for myself that allowed to be able to start creating a freedom and to start finding myself and actually start my career and school and my new life. In reality though I’m just stuck in a rut. I relapsed and cut again after almost flipping the car. I’m about to go make my appointment to finally take my license test but now I’m starting to second guess if that’d actually be a good idea or not,

on the bright side I started exploring myself in starting my career as a makeup artist and started a beauty blog, I’d love if anyone checked it out? I’ll be posting hauls, lookbooks, ootw’s, and tutorials. Thanks babes.

Kayandia.

In my journals and in my stories, I tend to write a lot about this world that I names Kayandia (because my names Kaia, get it?), and I think that it might just be a coping mechanism but I really like it so I decided to share a little bit about it. sorry if this is kind of scattered, I’m just trying to describe it how it is in my head

 

Here, everything is perfect and beautiful. There is no bad weather, the soft subtle kiss of the sun against your skin of summer, exists all year long. There are no hateful words, only soft beautiful ones that flow from your mouth like silk. No bullies, and suicide is impossible here, although no one would want to.
No drugs or cigarettes, we are all happy because we want to be, not because we need drugs to tell us to be.
There’s no peer pressure.
There’s no poverty because there’s no money. People won’t have to break their backs just to live. We won’t have to steal because everyone will have all of the things that they need and we wont throw them away in jail for just trying to survive.
This is the land for misfit children, orphans, people with mental disorders, or anyone that just needs somebody.
War doesn’t exist, there’s no fighting or wars to lose our family to. And we aren’t set apart by families, everyone who lives here is apart of one large beautiful family who is able to coexist happily.
This land is full of large old Victorian style houses with full wrap around porches with large open fields and beautiful tire swings everywhere
During the day we have free rain to do whatever we want, and artistic expression will be accepted and encouraged in all forms (even tattoos).
and as we live life happily and play, the soft sound of music will flow through the air everywhere, serenely and beautifully.
It’s the perfect world

Major Anxiety And Killing It

Hey guys, sorry I haven’t posted in a while. I’ve been majorly stressed and I’ve been dealing through way too many ups and downs it’s just a constant back and forth. My long term boyfriend (on and off since we were 4 years old) has been in the hospital with a kidney stone the past couple days and I’ve been going crazy about it. My anxiety naturally started kicking in and in my mind I was playing out the worst possible scenarios. By the time I went to sleep the first night (only got about 20 minutes of sleep) I was thinking he had cancer. Yeah, I get this irrational fear about anyone who goes to the emergency room. Thank god he passed it finally and I can calm down a bit

I’ve discovered a way that calms my anxiety a little and I’m not even going to lie, I realize it’s pretty weird even to me but hey it helps. I started journaling again and a way it helps calm it is writing lists. It’s not even anything important, just really random things. Like I made lists for my dream jobs, nicknames I’ve been given, my irrational fears, and my favorite colors, etc.

As for my depression it’s been getting bad, last night especially. I don’t want to get into specifics for fear someone might judge me but for the most part I did self harm and it is beginning to become a regular thing for me,

Death/Loss

Well this initially happened yesterday morning but the thoughts were crippling me and literally didn’t move from my bed at all yesterday. My body didn’t know how to react. I was craving all of these different foods but after i forced myself out of bed and to the kitchen to cook it, I just couldn’t eat. I didn’t know what I wanted, I even began craving hamburgers…. I absolutely despise hamburgers.
I found out yesterday morning that my uncle had been pronounced dead.
It took me a while for it to even register in my head, I thought my mom must have been talking about someone else. I had seen him just a week ago and he looked fine and healthy, nothing was wrong with him. He had passed in his sleep the night prior, he went to sleep and just didn’t wake up…
They don’t exactly know the cause of death but in my head I already know it was overdose, there was too many drugs for too long. One’s body can only take so much.
As I said I don’t know how to handle myself, i don’t know what to do with myself. My best friend told me it’s probably a shock that’s associated with severe depression. I don’t want to be depressed, I don’t want to be severely depressed. It hurts so much.
I haven’t done anything but watch old Roseanne reruns alone in my room. I’ve been dressing in black so no one looks at me. I have my headphones plugged in so no one tries to talk to me.
I even had an anxiety attack in the kitchen it’s awful, I’m so jumpy. I saw a car headlight out of the corner of my eye against the wall and I jumped so hard a got bacon grease on myself.

I’m just done.

Depression/Anxiety Comforts & UPDATE.

So I’m kind of curious if this is just me or not. Does anyone else have certain things that comfort them when dealing with depression/anxiety. I’ve kinda just realized mine and I feel like it’s really weird. Since I’ve fallen deep into depression pretty much the only thing I’ll wear is over sized army coats and skinny jeans with my comfortable slip on hello kitty vans. Just recently have I lost any and every interest at all to “take care of myself” in terms of spending an hour and a half every morning doing my hair and makeup so that I’m more attractive to everyone else. I’ve gotten mixed reactions from different people but the funny thing is, I just don’t give a fuck anymore. Random update btw, I think I’m getting even worse, as if that’s even possible, I mean there’s that thing about not taking care of myself anymore, plus there’s the fact that I can’t handle anything anymore. For some reason I couldn’t even make myself handle being able to sit through school the entire day yesterday, I left during second period. I almost made it to lunch time so I guess that’s a plus. Being around people at all makes me uncomfortable, even if it’s my best friends. I just try to hard to smile and act normal but that alone has become a struggle. I’m not enthusiastic about going to my favorite classes anymore, I used to be the first in my art and theatre class but now I’m the last one through the door every day to every class. I drag my feet and contemplate why I’m even there, it takes me forever to get anywhere.

Back to the point of this post, a part of me feels like complete shit when one of those really pretty girls makes an added point to laugh at me loudly enough for me to hear it when they make fun of me because all I’ve worn this week is army coats and skinny jeans, or even worse when they come up to me and tell me to my face how “id be soo pretty if I actually tried once in a while”… but that’s the problem. Actually trying is taking more life out of me than dealing with life itself. It takes as much effort for me as it does for them to mind their own business and as you see both of these scenerios prove nearly impossible.

I think huge army coats (sleeves rolled up) are my comfort because they’re so big they cover me and are literally almost like a comfort blanket to keep me away from everyone, does anyone else have any weird comforts?

How i “cope”

Okay so  yeah there have been a lot of things going on lately that I’ve had a hard time dealing with. Sometimes you just don’t know what to do so I’m always on the lookout for new ways to just help me deal with everything that’s been going on . The only way I’ve found that works for me to help me “cope” with my anxiety/depression (and i use the term cope very loosely because for some reason i just absolutely HATE that word) is journaling and blogging. It’s pretty lame but honestly the best way for me personally is to get things out without the dreading of sitting face to face with a complete stranger and knowing that if you completely open up and slip and tell them the wrong thing they have the power to have you locked up in a mental hospital with just the press of a button. I reached 24 followers today. I know that number may seem completely insignificant to some people but for me to just sit here and bitch about the world and my problems it means something that people are actually caring, so thank you for everyone whose followed me and thank you to all of the kind and encouraging words I”ve been receiving lately.