Back In Therapy/Psychosis delusions/Abilify

Well, here it goes.
One last time I’m making a solid attempt. I really need help. It finally dawned on me. A couple of weeks ago I had my second ever major mental breakdown. I don’t mean a breakdown in the sense of the cutesy romantic-comedy type fashion, where a girl finds her bf cheated and she throws his picture and dramatically storms out. This time was bad, it’s like all of my inner and outer workings just simultaneously shut down. I wasn’t really eating, and my insomnia was heightened by a factor of a billion. I wasn’t angry, I wasn’t screaming, cussing, and throwing shit, I was just… empty. I sat in a dark room in silence, I couldn’t think, it’s like I wasn’t even real. I actually started to think that I didn’t exist anymore (but maybe that was just a delusion). My delusions have been frequent as well too. My hallucinations are starting to get the better of me anymore. I’m hearing angry voices, sometimes they talk directly to me, but most of the time I just pick up bits and pieces, it’s like I’m hearing half of someone else’s conversation. But also, sometimes they’re very random. The other day I heard a cat trapped in the wall, it was fucking terrifying for me. I called my grandpa into the room in a panic thinking that it was real. I told him it sounded like a kitten was stuck in the wall. When he came to check it I could still very clearly hear the cat sounds but he couldn’t. I finally realized it must have been one of those in my head things and just let it go and tried to play it off. Other times I get this weirdness in my head where i would be doing one thing physically but in my head I think I’m doing something else. I was laying in bed reading but at the same time I was standing in my bathroom looking into the mirror. A few minutes later I snapped back and I was still laying in bed holding the book. I never left the bed but i was CLEARLY in the bathroom looking at the mirror, it wasn’t just daydreaming. Do these count as delusions? And of course after that poses the issue of me going into public. I still hate leaving my house, I fucking hate strangers. A lot of times when I go into an area with a large amount of strangers (and by strangers I could also mean people I know but are not close with) I started getting really fucking anxious, and a part of me keeps darting my eyes around and I feel like everybody hates me and in their minds everybody has linked up heads and are sharing thoughts about how stupid I look or bad things about me. It gets bad.

I started a new therapist on Monday though (today is Thursday) and I think it might be promising honestly. I went into the office with a feeling of “fuck this, it’s not going to work. Therapists are assholes” mainly because my last therapist was a piece of shit who pretty much dismissed me as a moody teenager who didn’t really see or feel or hear the things that I do. I was actually paying this one therapist though for him to be so shitty (but that rant is for a later post) but now I’m at one that my primary care doctor set me up for (without me really knowing) that accepts my insurance so woo-fucking-hoo. This lady I have is really nice though. When I went on Monday we didn’t really have a session we just started filling out paperwork and did the basic pre-evaluation thing. We started talking about the voices. She believes me which is nice, it makes me feel a little better. I might go more in depth next Monday and explain more about the hallucinations (maybe about the delusions but I’m not sure). Does anyone think I should tell her about ALL OF IT? Anyways, she mentioned starting me on Abilify, she said it should help with the depression and make the voices go away completely. Also some pills for the severe anxiety and some pills to finally help me sleep. I never sleep. I’m sure I have to have a lot more sessions though, I’ve become a little anxious to find out what I’m going to be diagnosed with. I know a lot of people are like “chill, the diagnosis doesn’t define you”. I know that, but it might make me feel a little less crazy if i had some sort of a label to put on it so I could know what’s ACTUALLY wrong with me. Part of my biggest fear is “what if subconsciously this isn’t real? what if I make all of this up”. I know that sounds incredibly stupid but I don’t know. I guess I just need some sort of validity to cling to to prove that I’m not as mentally fucked up as i feel.

As we all know, today is Valentine’s day. I’m one of those people without a Valentine to celebrate with… so my night is going to consist of Netflix, reading, and Chinese take out. Anyone else doing the same?
I refuse to allow myself to become miserable over today. I hate that I’m so socially awkward. I hate that I’m scared to leave my house. I hate that I’m so quiet… I hate that I’m so scared to get close to people. I feel like I might have been attractive enough to have a date tonight, if these hadn’t been issues for me. But tonight, I drown my sorrows in fresh baked cookies from scratch. Would anybody like to message on kik?

Depression Cripples;

Where for art thou, oh loyal readers?

I’ve been gone for far too long, it seems I’ve been sent off to the looney bin again. Oh what a joyous day!
Not. I feel even worse now than before I went in. Today I was supposed to go back to school, my plan was to start getting back onto a normal schedule. Not just school, but my entire life. Anybody with Major Depressive Disorder can understand how hard something so small as scraping yourself out of bed to shower, take your medicine, and eat, ends up feeling like you’re climbing Mount Everest. Anyways, rather than going to school, I ended up in the hospital (the regular one this time). It seems that my body has decided to give up again. Believe me, I’m right there with it. My body is severely infected and I cant get my meds until Monday. WAY TO GO shitty American healthcare system.

I’ve missed this, I miss posting here, I miss my followers, the friends I’ve made. Expect posts on a regular basis again guys. I’m not quite sure what days I’m going to do (I haven’t quite gotten that far yet) BUT IM GETTIN’ THERE.

Drafting Suicide Notes (with no intention of using them)

Hey guys,

Today I picked kind of a more odd topic: Is it weird to draft suicide notes as a therapeutic outlet? I had someone send an email (keeping it anonymous) asking about my opinion on this, and of course my opinion is no! its not weird.
I like everyone to keep I mind that grieving process is different for everybody, whether you’re grieving a death, a stressful situation, or just getting through depression. Not everybody can process things smoothly, so naturally we cling to any outlet that we could possibly find and I’ve seen (and used) a very wide range of them. And let’s be honest, most of mine aren’t exactly the healthiest options for myself. Suicide notes usually aren’t about suicide (as confusing as that sounds) it’s usually about expressing how you feel, when you think nobody was ever listening before then. It’s almost like journaling in a morbid kind of way. A few months ago I was completely obsessed with this documentary on Netflix about bipolar disorder I found this one woman that said when she hit the low point of bipolar and felt very suicidal, she would always write a suicide note before she brought herself to doing anything too drastic, because she knew that after the letter was written she felt like she got everything out, and it provided enough of a distraction to where it took the edge off the suicidal urge. And it wasn’t just one or two times that she did it, she kept an entire box of these notes.
Watching that made me feel better because it was then that I realized that I did it too, I usually kept them in my journals though, when I was extremely down I would draft a suicide note in my journal and it made me feel better to express to the world everything that I kept locked inside of me for so long,
so no, I don’t think its weird. I think it’s good that you have an outlet for yourself -KJ

To Post Or Not To Post;

I don’t really know what’s going on with me lately… holy hell. I have TONS of ideas of things that I really have been wanting to post about, there’s a four page long list sitting in the back of my planner. but it’s like every time that I sit down to talk about something it just never comes out the way I want it to. When I first started here I was able to speak my mind without any sort of worry about it, because the only person I was talking to was myself. Once I gained one or two followers it was great because I then had an audience I was able to talk to (a SMALL audience). But now there’s over 160 of you guys. This is MINDBLOWING to me honestly. I started out here as a means to express myself and over time we’ve grown together (those who’ve been around since my fetus days know what I’m talking about) into a place where we come together, it’s not just me going on about my issues but more so me sharing my story and giving my advice to everyone whose asked for it. But that’s the thing, I’m scared to share my story anymore. I know 160 may not be much compared to some of the more successful blogs here but to someone who’s terrified of human contact and has trouble even getting on the phone to order pizza. I find it astounding. So thank you again to everyone who’s been around supporting me. My biggest thing is that I’m scared that my content won’t be considered good enough… but I’ve also been reminding myself that the number of followers here has only been growing. not declining. So guys I promise, I’ll be posting more. Especially starting next month I’ll be posting daily during 25 days of Christmas(:

Relapse

I was so happy with myself, I figured that I was going so far in life, like maybe I was building this base for myself that allowed to be able to start creating a freedom and to start finding myself and actually start my career and school and my new life. In reality though I’m just stuck in a rut. I relapsed and cut again after almost flipping the car. I’m about to go make my appointment to finally take my license test but now I’m starting to second guess if that’d actually be a good idea or not,

on the bright side I started exploring myself in starting my career as a makeup artist and started a beauty blog, I’d love if anyone checked it out? I’ll be posting hauls, lookbooks, ootw’s, and tutorials. Thanks babes.

RIP Joan Rivers

To most people she was just one more celebrity death, but it was more to me. She was an inspiration, she taught me that getting old (something i fear and dread on the highest scale possible) didn’t mean wasting away the rest of your days just sitting around. She was up and jolly, loud, noisy, and made as much fun as possible even as the years progressed. Being only in 16, I’d already given up on life far earlier than she had ever begun to. If theres a god up there, im sure hes looking after her beautiful kindred soul.
Rest In Peace, Joan Rivers.👏

Gallery

Dear ****,

I love you, I want to start this letter out with that even though you’ll never read this, I cannot allow myself to leave without saying that one last time. This decision was hard but ultimately I had to do it. Lately I’ve been the epitome of all of  problems and trouble for you… even though we’ve never met. That’ll make all of this easier though. You’re a good person but maybe that’s the issue. You save me when I’m at my lowest, even though I don’t WANT to be saved. I just need to go my own way, and if I fall apart (or face the question of death) in the process then so be it, it’s okay because I would’ve known that this was all I’ve truly wanted and that’s the way that things are meant to be. I’m hoping that you can find it in your heart to forgive me, especially seeing as how I can’t tell you that I’m leaving, nor why I’m leaving. My bags are packed I just have to go and never look back.

 I’m trying to look out for myself.

Selfish? maybe.

Am I letting depression guide my decisions? most likely

Will I regret it? most definitely.

But sometimes in life we just have to do things. I’ve always hated goodbyes so I’ll disappear into the night with a “see you later” and pray that maybe someday our paths may cross again

Don’t hate me….

-Kaia.

Major Anxiety And Killing It

Hey guys, sorry I haven’t posted in a while. I’ve been majorly stressed and I’ve been dealing through way too many ups and downs it’s just a constant back and forth. My long term boyfriend (on and off since we were 4 years old) has been in the hospital with a kidney stone the past couple days and I’ve been going crazy about it. My anxiety naturally started kicking in and in my mind I was playing out the worst possible scenarios. By the time I went to sleep the first night (only got about 20 minutes of sleep) I was thinking he had cancer. Yeah, I get this irrational fear about anyone who goes to the emergency room. Thank god he passed it finally and I can calm down a bit

I’ve discovered a way that calms my anxiety a little and I’m not even going to lie, I realize it’s pretty weird even to me but hey it helps. I started journaling again and a way it helps calm it is writing lists. It’s not even anything important, just really random things. Like I made lists for my dream jobs, nicknames I’ve been given, my irrational fears, and my favorite colors, etc.

As for my depression it’s been getting bad, last night especially. I don’t want to get into specifics for fear someone might judge me but for the most part I did self harm and it is beginning to become a regular thing for me,

Death/Loss

Well this initially happened yesterday morning but the thoughts were crippling me and literally didn’t move from my bed at all yesterday. My body didn’t know how to react. I was craving all of these different foods but after i forced myself out of bed and to the kitchen to cook it, I just couldn’t eat. I didn’t know what I wanted, I even began craving hamburgers…. I absolutely despise hamburgers.
I found out yesterday morning that my uncle had been pronounced dead.
It took me a while for it to even register in my head, I thought my mom must have been talking about someone else. I had seen him just a week ago and he looked fine and healthy, nothing was wrong with him. He had passed in his sleep the night prior, he went to sleep and just didn’t wake up…
They don’t exactly know the cause of death but in my head I already know it was overdose, there was too many drugs for too long. One’s body can only take so much.
As I said I don’t know how to handle myself, i don’t know what to do with myself. My best friend told me it’s probably a shock that’s associated with severe depression. I don’t want to be depressed, I don’t want to be severely depressed. It hurts so much.
I haven’t done anything but watch old Roseanne reruns alone in my room. I’ve been dressing in black so no one looks at me. I have my headphones plugged in so no one tries to talk to me.
I even had an anxiety attack in the kitchen it’s awful, I’m so jumpy. I saw a car headlight out of the corner of my eye against the wall and I jumped so hard a got bacon grease on myself.

I’m just done.

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