As we all know, today is Valentine’s day. I’m one of those people without a Valentine to celebrate with… so my night is going to consist of Netflix, reading, and Chinese take out. Anyone else doing the same?
I refuse to allow myself to become miserable over today. I hate that I’m so socially awkward. I hate that I’m scared to leave my house. I hate that I’m so quiet… I hate that I’m so scared to get close to people. I feel like I might have been attractive enough to have a date tonight, if these hadn’t been issues for me. But tonight, I drown my sorrows in fresh baked cookies from scratch. Would anybody like to message on kik?

Depression Cripples;

Where for art thou, oh loyal readers?

I’ve been gone for far too long, it seems I’ve been sent off to the looney bin again. Oh what a joyous day!
Not. I feel even worse now than before I went in. Today I was supposed to go back to school, my plan was to start getting back onto a normal schedule. Not just school, but my entire life. Anybody with Major Depressive Disorder can understand how hard something so small as scraping yourself out of bed to shower, take your medicine, and eat, ends up feeling like you’re climbing Mount Everest. Anyways, rather than going to school, I ended up in the hospital (the regular one this time). It seems that my body has decided to give up again. Believe me, I’m right there with it. My body is severely infected and I cant get my meds until Monday. WAY TO GO shitty American healthcare system.

I’ve missed this, I miss posting here, I miss my followers, the friends I’ve made. Expect posts on a regular basis again guys. I’m not quite sure what days I’m going to do (I haven’t quite gotten that far yet) BUT IM GETTIN’ THERE.

To Post Or Not To Post;

I don’t really know what’s going on with me lately… holy hell. I have TONS of ideas of things that I really have been wanting to post about, there’s a four page long list sitting in the back of my planner. but it’s like every time that I sit down to talk about something it just never comes out the way I want it to. When I first started here I was able to speak my mind without any sort of worry about it, because the only person I was talking to was myself. Once I gained one or two followers it was great because I then had an audience I was able to talk to (a SMALL audience). But now there’s over 160 of you guys. This is MINDBLOWING to me honestly. I started out here as a means to express myself and over time we’ve grown together (those who’ve been around since my fetus days know what I’m talking about) into a place where we come together, it’s not just me going on about my issues but more so me sharing my story and giving my advice to everyone whose asked for it. But that’s the thing, I’m scared to share my story anymore. I know 160 may not be much compared to some of the more successful blogs here but to someone who’s terrified of human contact and has trouble even getting on the phone to order pizza. I find it astounding. So thank you again to everyone who’s been around supporting me. My biggest thing is that I’m scared that my content won’t be considered good enough… but I’ve also been reminding myself that the number of followers here has only been growing. not declining. So guys I promise, I’ll be posting more. Especially starting next month I’ll be posting daily during 25 days of Christmas(:

Sigh.

Have you ever felt like your slipping. You feel it but you dont realize it. You only know because every one around you keeps pointing out how “empty” and “lifeless” you look.
You’re broken, you’re hurt, you’re empty, you’re slipping away.. you’re depressed. and worst of all… you never even knew, or rather, you didnt stop to take the time to listen to yourself.
Or this is probably only me and im going on about nothing to no body. Just me? Yeah. Kbye.

“Fucking Schizzo”

So after this whole experience, after going to the mental hospital, showing my family my cuts and being honest with everyone, one thing that I’ve really really learned is to just start being honest. If you have a mental disorder, you’re not going to be able to get help unless you admit you have a problem and tell someone about it.  So finally I’ve spilled the final pot of beans, I hear voices. I’ve never told anyone before yesterday so sharing it here was like, a gigantor step. I just opened up to my mom and confided in her. We talked about everything wrong with me, from depression all the way to my possible schizophrenia. It felt nice to finally be able to let something out that I’ve been holding back for many years and I think mom and I are even getting a lot closer now that I’m opening up.  It feels really nice.

Kayandia.

In my journals and in my stories, I tend to write a lot about this world that I names Kayandia (because my names Kaia, get it?), and I think that it might just be a coping mechanism but I really like it so I decided to share a little bit about it. sorry if this is kind of scattered, I’m just trying to describe it how it is in my head

 

Here, everything is perfect and beautiful. There is no bad weather, the soft subtle kiss of the sun against your skin of summer, exists all year long. There are no hateful words, only soft beautiful ones that flow from your mouth like silk. No bullies, and suicide is impossible here, although no one would want to.
No drugs or cigarettes, we are all happy because we want to be, not because we need drugs to tell us to be.
There’s no peer pressure.
There’s no poverty because there’s no money. People won’t have to break their backs just to live. We won’t have to steal because everyone will have all of the things that they need and we wont throw them away in jail for just trying to survive.
This is the land for misfit children, orphans, people with mental disorders, or anyone that just needs somebody.
War doesn’t exist, there’s no fighting or wars to lose our family to. And we aren’t set apart by families, everyone who lives here is apart of one large beautiful family who is able to coexist happily.
This land is full of large old Victorian style houses with full wrap around porches with large open fields and beautiful tire swings everywhere
During the day we have free rain to do whatever we want, and artistic expression will be accepted and encouraged in all forms (even tattoos).
and as we live life happily and play, the soft sound of music will flow through the air everywhere, serenely and beautifully.
It’s the perfect world

Happy New Year… I Guess.

I just wanted to say happy new year to everybody

I hope you guys are having a better one than I am, I’ve already had a breakdown and cracked. Luckily it’s already 10 o’clock and I only have to stay awake for two more hours for my family to leave me alone.
Depression hit me very very hard today, almost as if everything became extremely real finally, I say that a lot but this was different. It was crippling, it IS crippling. It’s like I’m in this bubble. I can’t get around people, it bothers me. It hurts.
and people keep coming up to me trying their hardest to figure out what’s wrong and for the first time, I didn’t make up some bullshit excuse, I didn’t say “nothing, I’m fine”, I just didn’t say anything. I’ve shut everybody out and it hurts. I don’t want to do this. I don’t want to blow everyone off and ruin people’s nights, but I can’t help it. No matter what I do I can’t force myself to genuinely want to be around my family that I used to spend all of my time with. I even have all of my siblings together in one house. My family is so broken and screwed up that this never happens, but I’m still not out there with them as they’re all watching movies together in the living room. I don’t know why. I just don’t want to do this.
It’s frustrating people horribly, my stepmother even broke today. She wants to know what’s wrong and she finds it disrespectful when I don’t answer, even when I’m begging her to stop because I want to be left alone. I can’t talk about these things
I almost flipped out, damn near screaming:

do you know what it’s like to wake up every day hating yourself and the world around you and wanting to die, not because you want death, but because you just want the pain to stop. no? okay then leave me alone”

but instead, I just held in my words and cried. Happy new year.

Post coming out update, i feel amazing

Well when i posted my coming out story i said that i hadn’t heard from my family yet which scared the heck out of me because i could practically feel the judgement building up on me but i had a pretty big shock at that point. My mom and stepmom both almost made me cry (and im not a very emotional person) because they both said that they loved me more than anything and if that’s the lifestyle i’m choosing to pursue then they’re going to back me up 100%. My grandmother wasn’t quite the same though, she chooses not to discus the topic no matter how i bring it up but im not going to push it or anything. As long as shes not doing anything irrational i dont mind her ignoring me.
I took the time following this to reflect on just how lucky i am, i know a lot of people aren’t so lucky and if you’re one of those people just remember to remain strong and don’t let anything or anyone put you down, just be proud of who you are.

A story that specifically touched me was the one of Mathew Lush (gaygod on youtube, look him up hes amazing). When he came out to his mom she threw a mirror (and im talking a big heavy one) at him and she took all  of his Christmas presents back and was just so horrible to him, and yet he still  braved through it, i find him so inspirational.