As we all know, today is Valentine’s day. I’m one of those people without a Valentine to celebrate with… so my night is going to consist of Netflix, reading, and Chinese take out. Anyone else doing the same?
I refuse to allow myself to become miserable over today. I hate that I’m so socially awkward. I hate that I’m scared to leave my house. I hate that I’m so quiet… I hate that I’m so scared to get close to people. I feel like I might have been attractive enough to have a date tonight, if these hadn’t been issues for me. But tonight, I drown my sorrows in fresh baked cookies from scratch. Would anybody like to message on kik?

Depression Cripples;

Where for art thou, oh loyal readers?

I’ve been gone for far too long, it seems I’ve been sent off to the looney bin again. Oh what a joyous day!
Not. I feel even worse now than before I went in. Today I was supposed to go back to school, my plan was to start getting back onto a normal schedule. Not just school, but my entire life. Anybody with Major Depressive Disorder can understand how hard something so small as scraping yourself out of bed to shower, take your medicine, and eat, ends up feeling like you’re climbing Mount Everest. Anyways, rather than going to school, I ended up in the hospital (the regular one this time). It seems that my body has decided to give up again. Believe me, I’m right there with it. My body is severely infected and I cant get my meds until Monday. WAY TO GO shitty American healthcare system.

I’ve missed this, I miss posting here, I miss my followers, the friends I’ve made. Expect posts on a regular basis again guys. I’m not quite sure what days I’m going to do (I haven’t quite gotten that far yet) BUT IM GETTIN’ THERE.

To Post Or Not To Post;

I don’t really know what’s going on with me lately… holy hell. I have TONS of ideas of things that I really have been wanting to post about, there’s a four page long list sitting in the back of my planner. but it’s like every time that I sit down to talk about something it just never comes out the way I want it to. When I first started here I was able to speak my mind without any sort of worry about it, because the only person I was talking to was myself. Once I gained one or two followers it was great because I then had an audience I was able to talk to (a SMALL audience). But now there’s over 160 of you guys. This is MINDBLOWING to me honestly. I started out here as a means to express myself and over time we’ve grown together (those who’ve been around since my fetus days know what I’m talking about) into a place where we come together, it’s not just me going on about my issues but more so me sharing my story and giving my advice to everyone whose asked for it. But that’s the thing, I’m scared to share my story anymore. I know 160 may not be much compared to some of the more successful blogs here but to someone who’s terrified of human contact and has trouble even getting on the phone to order pizza. I find it astounding. So thank you again to everyone who’s been around supporting me. My biggest thing is that I’m scared that my content won’t be considered good enough… but I’ve also been reminding myself that the number of followers here has only been growing. not declining. So guys I promise, I’ll be posting more. Especially starting next month I’ll be posting daily during 25 days of Christmas(:

Sigh.

Have you ever felt like your slipping. You feel it but you dont realize it. You only know because every one around you keeps pointing out how “empty” and “lifeless” you look.
You’re broken, you’re hurt, you’re empty, you’re slipping away.. you’re depressed. and worst of all… you never even knew, or rather, you didnt stop to take the time to listen to yourself.
Or this is probably only me and im going on about nothing to no body. Just me? Yeah. Kbye.

dear mom,

mom, I know you think that by getting off of drugs you’ve done me, jd, and kaleb some huge favor but honestly I want that mom back. At least back when you did drugs I could make an excuse for why I raised my brothers and for why you slept all the time. At least I had a reason to try to defend you for not being a mother but that doesn’t work anymore. Playing the victim has always been your favorite game, the blame game a close second but it just doesn’t work anymore. I remember only being four years old when you got into the car accident, I’ve hated your ex boyfriend every day since. I forever blame him for the accident because in all actuality it was his fault, he knew the drugs caused him seizures and he still got you into the car with him behind the wheel. When the doctors told you that you were never going to walk again, I knew you were in a great deal of pain from the wreck but somehow behind all of that there was a glimmer of excitement, you now had another reason to be a victim and make your way out of everything. This would become your excuse for years to come and still is to this very day. You knew that the medicine the doctors were prescribing you were dangerous but you didn’t care you took them anyways, and that’s what sparked your addiction. You managed to gain back some use of your legs. Pulling yourself slowly out of the wheelchair you only managed to pull yourself deeper into the pill bottle, that bottle that tore our family apart. I was sent off to live with grandma while you still got the check every month from a father that was still a ghost to me, I resent you every day knowing that you were taking money from my mouth to pop pills into yours. I continued to grow up, you kept acting like you wanted me over there when you really didn’t, the deceit that the drugs were teaching you told you to tell me that, so that I would come over to watch your son, barely a year old so you could go out and party. I tried to change you, but even the birth of your second child couldn’t have done that, oh how stupid I was. We’re worthless to you right? The only reason you stopped was for your third born, he’s now your little prince that you set up on a pedestal while JD and I are tossed to the side like common trash. Now that I think about it, you never even really stopped doing drugs after you had KK you just got better at hiding it, I do give you props for stopping all of the hard stuff. I remember a few years ago when you started going to the Methadone Clinic, you played it off as a treatment center when really you were just paying to get a daily dose of drugs and do whatever you want on top of that. Paying for the clinic is the reason your children go hungry at the end of the month when the foodstamps run out, we’re completely broke. You wouldn’t care though right? you just want all the best in the world and to act as if your entitled to it, everyone else should pay for all of the nice things in your life because your welfare check comes in every month and you act as if you’ve done your share of hard work, sitting on your ass all day. The methadone makes you sleep, worse than the Xanax ever did. You about as much as a use to us now as you ever were drugged out, passed out on the couch while at 8 years old I was learning how to raise a child completely on my own. That’s something an 8 year old should NEVER have to go through. Do you remember why JD is so messed up in the head? Oh of course not, you wouldn’t wake up. I turned around to make his bottle and he ran out into the road, yup. Extremely close to being hit by a car, thank god for our neighbor because he would be dead otherwise. He despises the sound of a police car now because he remembers being around 3 and every time he heard that sound he connects it with one of his parents going missing. So thank you mother, instead of him feeling like the law could protect him he’s going to grow up hating them. You think that you’re a mother because those few hours you were awake you would pour hot sauce down JD’s throat, because he’s saying words that YOU taught him. Oh, let’s talk about how you find it extremely funny that one of his first words was Xanax, a drug. Yes, hilarious. When you got out of jail you promised that you would focus on us and be a better mom, you were… for about two weeks. I’ll give you that much credit. It’s been what, 8 months since then? And your back lower than you ever were. I’m sorry but that night I had to watch JD and KK, keep them locked away from you because I didn’t want them to see just how fucked up of a person their mother is, doing drugs and coming inside with her children after she PROMISED not to do it, I can never forgive you for that. Time and time again you’ve betrayed my trust. You say that because you had me at 16 were like sisters and I cant tell you anything but in actuality its the complete opposite. The world around me has seen my decline, everyone knows I’m depressed and deteriorating from the inside out, you wonder why your the last to now, it’s because of how well you’ve done at being a mother, mixed with the fact you pay me no attention. YOU got in the car, YOU took the pills, YOU had the kids, YOU denied the treatment that could make you walk again, YOU let him molest me for all of those years, IT WAS ALL YOU. So as you attempt to play the victim I’m through treating you like one… its all your fault.