As we all know, today is Valentine’s day. I’m one of those people without a Valentine to celebrate with… so my night is going to consist of Netflix, reading, and Chinese take out. Anyone else doing the same?
I refuse to allow myself to become miserable over today. I hate that I’m so socially awkward. I hate that I’m scared to leave my house. I hate that I’m so quiet… I hate that I’m so scared to get close to people. I feel like I might have been attractive enough to have a date tonight, if these hadn’t been issues for me. But tonight, I drown my sorrows in fresh baked cookies from scratch. Would anybody like to message on kik?

Depression Cripples;

Where for art thou, oh loyal readers?

I’ve been gone for far too long, it seems I’ve been sent off to the looney bin again. Oh what a joyous day!
Not. I feel even worse now than before I went in. Today I was supposed to go back to school, my plan was to start getting back onto a normal schedule. Not just school, but my entire life. Anybody with Major Depressive Disorder can understand how hard something so small as scraping yourself out of bed to shower, take your medicine, and eat, ends up feeling like you’re climbing Mount Everest. Anyways, rather than going to school, I ended up in the hospital (the regular one this time). It seems that my body has decided to give up again. Believe me, I’m right there with it. My body is severely infected and I cant get my meds until Monday. WAY TO GO shitty American healthcare system.

I’ve missed this, I miss posting here, I miss my followers, the friends I’ve made. Expect posts on a regular basis again guys. I’m not quite sure what days I’m going to do (I haven’t quite gotten that far yet) BUT IM GETTIN’ THERE.

To Post Or Not To Post;

I don’t really know what’s going on with me lately… holy hell. I have TONS of ideas of things that I really have been wanting to post about, there’s a four page long list sitting in the back of my planner. but it’s like every time that I sit down to talk about something it just never comes out the way I want it to. When I first started here I was able to speak my mind without any sort of worry about it, because the only person I was talking to was myself. Once I gained one or two followers it was great because I then had an audience I was able to talk to (a SMALL audience). But now there’s over 160 of you guys. This is MINDBLOWING to me honestly. I started out here as a means to express myself and over time we’ve grown together (those who’ve been around since my fetus days know what I’m talking about) into a place where we come together, it’s not just me going on about my issues but more so me sharing my story and giving my advice to everyone whose asked for it. But that’s the thing, I’m scared to share my story anymore. I know 160 may not be much compared to some of the more successful blogs here but to someone who’s terrified of human contact and has trouble even getting on the phone to order pizza. I find it astounding. So thank you again to everyone who’s been around supporting me. My biggest thing is that I’m scared that my content won’t be considered good enough… but I’ve also been reminding myself that the number of followers here has only been growing. not declining. So guys I promise, I’ll be posting more. Especially starting next month I’ll be posting daily during 25 days of Christmas(:

RIP Joan Rivers

To most people she was just one more celebrity death, but it was more to me. She was an inspiration, she taught me that getting old (something i fear and dread on the highest scale possible) didn’t mean wasting away the rest of your days just sitting around. She was up and jolly, loud, noisy, and made as much fun as possible even as the years progressed. Being only in 16, I’d already given up on life far earlier than she had ever begun to. If theres a god up there, im sure hes looking after her beautiful kindred soul.
Rest In Peace, Joan Rivers.👏


Giving Up Finally

I’ve tried very hard lately to force myself to participate in life and talk to people and not completely exile myself but still I cannot do it anymore. My main reason was I was scared to lose my friends even though I didn’t want to be around people. It hit me today that Friday I’m losing the person closest to me, My best friend is moving away and then I’m left with nothing. Everyone keeps trying to make me feel better by saying ‘oh well you can still text and skype’ but in all actuality im not the type of person that handles any kind of long distance relationship (friendship or otherwise) over long term, so I see no point in bothering. So today I finally said fuck it. I didn’t talk to anybody, I sat alone at lunch and honestly it felt really nice. I didn’t have to worry about people trying to get me involved in the conversation or continuously asking what’s wrong with me, I could really just sit by myself and think. I guess I’m going to start cutting ties with people and just standing alone for a while.