As we all know, today is Valentine’s day. I’m one of those people without a Valentine to celebrate with… so my night is going to consist of Netflix, reading, and Chinese take out. Anyone else doing the same?
I refuse to allow myself to become miserable over today. I hate that I’m so socially awkward. I hate that I’m scared to leave my house. I hate that I’m so quiet… I hate that I’m so scared to get close to people. I feel like I might have been attractive enough to have a date tonight, if these hadn’t been issues for me. But tonight, I drown my sorrows in fresh baked cookies from scratch. Would anybody like to message on kik?

Depression Cripples;

Where for art thou, oh loyal readers?

I’ve been gone for far too long, it seems I’ve been sent off to the looney bin again. Oh what a joyous day!
Not. I feel even worse now than before I went in. Today I was supposed to go back to school, my plan was to start getting back onto a normal schedule. Not just school, but my entire life. Anybody with Major Depressive Disorder can understand how hard something so small as scraping yourself out of bed to shower, take your medicine, and eat, ends up feeling like you’re climbing Mount Everest. Anyways, rather than going to school, I ended up in the hospital (the regular one this time). It seems that my body has decided to give up again. Believe me, I’m right there with it. My body is severely infected and I cant get my meds until Monday. WAY TO GO shitty American healthcare system.

I’ve missed this, I miss posting here, I miss my followers, the friends I’ve made. Expect posts on a regular basis again guys. I’m not quite sure what days I’m going to do (I haven’t quite gotten that far yet) BUT IM GETTIN’ THERE.

To Post Or Not To Post;

I don’t really know what’s going on with me lately… holy hell. I have TONS of ideas of things that I really have been wanting to post about, there’s a four page long list sitting in the back of my planner. but it’s like every time that I sit down to talk about something it just never comes out the way I want it to. When I first started here I was able to speak my mind without any sort of worry about it, because the only person I was talking to was myself. Once I gained one or two followers it was great because I then had an audience I was able to talk to (a SMALL audience). But now there’s over 160 of you guys. This is MINDBLOWING to me honestly. I started out here as a means to express myself and over time we’ve grown together (those who’ve been around since my fetus days know what I’m talking about) into a place where we come together, it’s not just me going on about my issues but more so me sharing my story and giving my advice to everyone whose asked for it. But that’s the thing, I’m scared to share my story anymore. I know 160 may not be much compared to some of the more successful blogs here but to someone who’s terrified of human contact and has trouble even getting on the phone to order pizza. I find it astounding. So thank you again to everyone who’s been around supporting me. My biggest thing is that I’m scared that my content won’t be considered good enough… but I’ve also been reminding myself that the number of followers here has only been growing. not declining. So guys I promise, I’ll be posting more. Especially starting next month I’ll be posting daily during 25 days of Christmas(:

The Self Injury “Trend” / If you’re cutting because it’s cool

Well, I’ll be honest. There’s not anything I find most disgusting than someone that would WILLING harm themselves to make some fashion statement or to fit in or because they think it’s cool. Harming yourself is up there with smoking cigarettes, you think it makes you look so cool, but in reality you look awful and it’s doing terrible things for your health.
CUTTING AND BURNING IS NOT EQIVALENT TO SOME NEW COACH PURSE
This becoming a trend is beginning to get popular amongst the younger generations, generally around the time of middle school (about 11-14 years old) and I’m not just ranting on about nothing this is something I’ve witnessed first hand.
No matter if it’s cutting or burning it’s all the same, they leave scars and believe me, the scars left can be pretty gruesome
I remember in the 8th grade my best friend would leave very shallow cuts on her arms and walk around showing them off like battle scars when really she was an imposter for the war. Normally I’m not the type to judge and normally I would question it for another motive “maybe she’s just calling out for help in her own way” which wasn’t true, she went to a hospital and went to therapists and it all came back she was completely fine.
Her only problem was she wanted to fit in with her friends that also self-harmed and she wanted people to feel bad for her so she could have more friends. She would even openly discuss her battles with cutting as if it were a struggle for her for the length of her entire life. Don’t be her. Sure, she was only making light cuts but that doesn’t make a difference. Just as easily the blade could have slipped, it only takes once.
Don’t put your life in danger just to please someone else.

Major Anxiety And Killing It

Hey guys, sorry I haven’t posted in a while. I’ve been majorly stressed and I’ve been dealing through way too many ups and downs it’s just a constant back and forth. My long term boyfriend (on and off since we were 4 years old) has been in the hospital with a kidney stone the past couple days and I’ve been going crazy about it. My anxiety naturally started kicking in and in my mind I was playing out the worst possible scenarios. By the time I went to sleep the first night (only got about 20 minutes of sleep) I was thinking he had cancer. Yeah, I get this irrational fear about anyone who goes to the emergency room. Thank god he passed it finally and I can calm down a bit

I’ve discovered a way that calms my anxiety a little and I’m not even going to lie, I realize it’s pretty weird even to me but hey it helps. I started journaling again and a way it helps calm it is writing lists. It’s not even anything important, just really random things. Like I made lists for my dream jobs, nicknames I’ve been given, my irrational fears, and my favorite colors, etc.

As for my depression it’s been getting bad, last night especially. I don’t want to get into specifics for fear someone might judge me but for the most part I did self harm and it is beginning to become a regular thing for me,