As we all know, today is Valentine’s day. I’m one of those people without a Valentine to celebrate with… so my night is going to consist of Netflix, reading, and Chinese take out. Anyone else doing the same?
I refuse to allow myself to become miserable over today. I hate that I’m so socially awkward. I hate that I’m scared to leave my house. I hate that I’m so quiet… I hate that I’m so scared to get close to people. I feel like I might have been attractive enough to have a date tonight, if these hadn’t been issues for me. But tonight, I drown my sorrows in fresh baked cookies from scratch. Would anybody like to message on kik?

Depression Cripples;

Where for art thou, oh loyal readers?

I’ve been gone for far too long, it seems I’ve been sent off to the looney bin again. Oh what a joyous day!
Not. I feel even worse now than before I went in. Today I was supposed to go back to school, my plan was to start getting back onto a normal schedule. Not just school, but my entire life. Anybody with Major Depressive Disorder can understand how hard something so small as scraping yourself out of bed to shower, take your medicine, and eat, ends up feeling like you’re climbing Mount Everest. Anyways, rather than going to school, I ended up in the hospital (the regular one this time). It seems that my body has decided to give up again. Believe me, I’m right there with it. My body is severely infected and I cant get my meds until Monday. WAY TO GO shitty American healthcare system.

I’ve missed this, I miss posting here, I miss my followers, the friends I’ve made. Expect posts on a regular basis again guys. I’m not quite sure what days I’m going to do (I haven’t quite gotten that far yet) BUT IM GETTIN’ THERE.

Guess my costume 😻

My costume for Halloween and for Homecoming Dance (the theme is costume party) can anyone guess who i am?

image

Guess Who’s Back (back) Back Again, Kaia’s Back (back) Tell a friend

Sorry guys, I’ve had that song stuck in my head all day. ^
I’ve been gone for quite some while now huh? I guess I owe some sort of an explaination. Life’s just been very very busy for me lately. I’ve had finals for the past couple months, and between preparation for them and actually taking them I’ve been swamped. Believe me, i haven’t even been on Twitter much lately, which is saying something. Go follow me btw @kaiaalove 
🙂
I stopped going to my therapist, it just wasn’t much of a match. I realized that my entire problem was the fact that I hold a lot of things in that i’m feeling. It’s finally beginning to dawn on me that I should really stop doing that, it just esculates everything times 1000. After two sessions i just didn’t think that I needed it anymore. I also stopped taking my antidepressants.
I decided that I’m not quitting High School next year. There’s just way too many things that i want to accomplish, so many clubs that i want to try, and even if i dont end up doing those things, i just want the opportunity to be able to say that I had the option. 
Mainly, I’m going back for one person. 
*epic flashback time*
It all started way back in the 6th grade. I dated this guy, and he was my first real love. I thought that we would last forever, but when you’re that young… you always do. In all reality, we were toxic together. He was still a little kid (mentally) and i was just trying to find out who i was (I mean come on, i was 12) it just wasn’t a good match up.. Years later, we started talking again but by that time we had moved apart, he was on the other end of the city and going to our rival school and we never saw each other in person. The most we had was an occasional Skype chat. But all of that is going to change now(: he’s coming to my high school next year. We’ve gotten over our old childish ways, we’re a lot alike now. Hell, we can kick it and play videogames together and just be chill like best friends. I’m not planning on being back with him.. but it’s nice to be able to just have a best friend that i can connect with 

Especially because.. he may damn well be my last real friend I’ve got. I’m cutting myself off next year. I just can’t keep putting myself through constant bullshit. Certain conversations have arisen in my little group of friends and the talk just hurt. I’d rather not put them out there yet, but maybe I’m just being stupid. It just hurts my feelings to think that this may be the way that my friends perceive me, just to think… maybe this is the way that EVERYONE sees me…

I guess some day was today, my coming out experience

Well guys, i owned up and i did the unthinkable. I decided to come out of the closet, and I’m sorta at the point i just kinda wanna go back in. I don’t think i came out in the BEST way possible but hey, shit happens. I’m just glad i owned up and grew some balls enough to do it. Well, confession time: I came out on facebook… yeah. Not even in private message either, i wrote a really long status and let social media do its thing.

alright well here this goes:
dear friends, family, and random people on facebook. I’ve got some questions and things i would really like to clear the air on, and im just going to get this out of the way before this ends up getting deleted again and rewritten in another attempt to find the “right” way to say it. alright? im a lesbian. Yup, i said it. I’ve heard so many things floating around i wanted to say if its true or not
if you have a certain class with me and are in my tight circle you know about what happened with, well let’s call him “steve”. The thing all exciting WASNT that i liked steve, it was the fact he liked me. cmon you know that when someone likes you its exciting weather you like them or not, no? its just me? maybe im just a sap. Well screw it, Im not dealing with hate after this, because im at my breaking point. Im sick of being defined as ‘bisexual’. when i was given this label it was NOTHING THAT I EVER ASKED FOR, and i’ve been saying this lie so much i’m starting to feel like its true. I know i’ve also been really wishy washy with a term to describe myself for the most part i was scared, i’ve felt like the way i see myself was wrong, so yes i WAS looking for a way around using that word but hey, who ever said that i HAVE to describe myself. i’m me and human, i dont need any other words to describe it, and you know what? im happy. Im not fishing for any attention posting this to facebook, i just don’t want the oh so common argument of “why didn’t i know first” so now you all know, at the same time. And no, i’m sorry guys im not questioning myself, i know for a fact now that its getting put out there. And if you are that one certain guy best friend of mine that heard when a certain T word was throw out there, i wasnt and now you know why, as if you even care anymore. I’m feeling a lot better, now let the hate comments begin.”

& then in a comment I tagged all of my friends and family that i knew i wanted to read that and logged off, I went back a few hours later and logged on preparing for the worst but it actually wasn’t that bad, a lot of my friends commented saying how much they’re backing me up and they still love me, my family is extremely confrentational and i haven’t heard anything back from them yet which scares me a little bit because that means either

1. they’ve got A LOT to say to me or
2. they haven’t read it yet.

Im still bracing myself for the worst. Of course with my coming out there was a select few people that didn’t quite take it so well. A few people that i’ve known since before middle school decided now was the time we couldn’t talk any longer, just goes to show you how strong bonds really are. I find it a little ironic that one of the people who left was an ex girlfriend because “being bi is cool, being a lesbian is just gross”.

ahh, societies morals right?

I said just yesterday here that i couldn’t wait for the day i would find the courage and i guess getting my emotions out to a bunch of strangers really helped, i just don’t know now if it was too soon. Oh well, now i can start preparing for our gay pride parade in about  a month ^-^