As we all know, today is Valentine’s day. I’m one of those people without a Valentine to celebrate with… so my night is going to consist of Netflix, reading, and Chinese take out. Anyone else doing the same?
I refuse to allow myself to become miserable over today. I hate that I’m so socially awkward. I hate that I’m scared to leave my house. I hate that I’m so quiet… I hate that I’m so scared to get close to people. I feel like I might have been attractive enough to have a date tonight, if these hadn’t been issues for me. But tonight, I drown my sorrows in fresh baked cookies from scratch. Would anybody like to message on kik?

To Post Or Not To Post;

I don’t really know what’s going on with me lately… holy hell. I have TONS of ideas of things that I really have been wanting to post about, there’s a four page long list sitting in the back of my planner. but it’s like every time that I sit down to talk about something it just never comes out the way I want it to. When I first started here I was able to speak my mind without any sort of worry about it, because the only person I was talking to was myself. Once I gained one or two followers it was great because I then had an audience I was able to talk to (a SMALL audience). But now there’s over 160 of you guys. This is MINDBLOWING to me honestly. I started out here as a means to express myself and over time we’ve grown together (those who’ve been around since my fetus days know what I’m talking about) into a place where we come together, it’s not just me going on about my issues but more so me sharing my story and giving my advice to everyone whose asked for it. But that’s the thing, I’m scared to share my story anymore. I know 160 may not be much compared to some of the more successful blogs here but to someone who’s terrified of human contact and has trouble even getting on the phone to order pizza. I find it astounding. So thank you again to everyone who’s been around supporting me. My biggest thing is that I’m scared that my content won’t be considered good enough… but I’ve also been reminding myself that the number of followers here has only been growing. not declining. So guys I promise, I’ll be posting more. Especially starting next month I’ll be posting daily during 25 days of Christmas(:

Scratches Aren’t Self Harm

Well loves, yet again I am back to battle against ignorance from people on the outside making assumptions

There are just a few things I would like to put out there:

1) YOU are in no way to judge to tell someone that what they do isn’t serious enough to count as self harm. If it’s an act done to inflict pain on one’s self (no matter the severity) it constitutes as self harm

2) the fact that it is not done on the wrist means nothing. In fact, I don’t really know anybody who does it on the wrist, most people I know do it elsewhere to hide it from people. That being said, just because It’s done on the wrist means nothing as well

3) cutting is not the only form of self harm, it’s only the one that is most well known. Many other forms of self harm exist, including burning, scab picking, and even ones as far fetched as sex in the form of self harm (I’ve read on one of my follower’s blogs)

4) So what if they do it for attention? That doesn’t mean a damn. All that means is that they need people to see them, they’re begging for someone to notice them before it’s too late. Just because it’s for attention doesn’t make them any less than the people who hide it

5) NOT ALL PEOPLE WHO SELF HARM DO IT FOR ATTENTION, NOR ARE THEY “MENTALLY ILL PSYCHOPATHS” <- im sick and tired of assumptions like this, it’s disgusting.

6) The worst thing you could do is bully someone who self harms

7) You don’t know what people are going through, don’t make assumptions on anybody. You aren’t them, you don’t know what’s going through their head at any given moment (no matter how much you think you know them). Don’t let the blood of someone else’s death rest on your hands.

Dear ****,

I love you, I want to start this letter out with that even though you’ll never read this, I cannot allow myself to leave without saying that one last time. This decision was hard but ultimately I had to do it. Lately I’ve been the epitome of all of  problems and trouble for you… even though we’ve never met. That’ll make all of this easier though. You’re a good person but maybe that’s the issue. You save me when I’m at my lowest, even though I don’t WANT to be saved. I just need to go my own way, and if I fall apart (or face the question of death) in the process then so be it, it’s okay because I would’ve known that this was all I’ve truly wanted and that’s the way that things are meant to be. I’m hoping that you can find it in your heart to forgive me, especially seeing as how I can’t tell you that I’m leaving, nor why I’m leaving. My bags are packed I just have to go and never look back.

 I’m trying to look out for myself.

Selfish? maybe.

Am I letting depression guide my decisions? most likely

Will I regret it? most definitely.

But sometimes in life we just have to do things. I’ve always hated goodbyes so I’ll disappear into the night with a “see you later” and pray that maybe someday our paths may cross again

Don’t hate me….

-Kaia.

My Best Bully Ever (poem)

When I couldn’t run track
I was too fat
Then at 110
I was too thin
Like a ghost, I was too white
When I tanned…
truly sickening sight
I wouldn’t stop
I could not hide
These clawing demons left inside
I was frail
I was dying
It was a “joke”
It was “lying”
it was a bully in disguise
my best friend
with hazel eyes
I may have pulled the trigger
but you were secretly my killer
you can apologize with all your might
but it was you, my friend
that took my life

Happy New Year… I Guess.

I just wanted to say happy new year to everybody

I hope you guys are having a better one than I am, I’ve already had a breakdown and cracked. Luckily it’s already 10 o’clock and I only have to stay awake for two more hours for my family to leave me alone.
Depression hit me very very hard today, almost as if everything became extremely real finally, I say that a lot but this was different. It was crippling, it IS crippling. It’s like I’m in this bubble. I can’t get around people, it bothers me. It hurts.
and people keep coming up to me trying their hardest to figure out what’s wrong and for the first time, I didn’t make up some bullshit excuse, I didn’t say “nothing, I’m fine”, I just didn’t say anything. I’ve shut everybody out and it hurts. I don’t want to do this. I don’t want to blow everyone off and ruin people’s nights, but I can’t help it. No matter what I do I can’t force myself to genuinely want to be around my family that I used to spend all of my time with. I even have all of my siblings together in one house. My family is so broken and screwed up that this never happens, but I’m still not out there with them as they’re all watching movies together in the living room. I don’t know why. I just don’t want to do this.
It’s frustrating people horribly, my stepmother even broke today. She wants to know what’s wrong and she finds it disrespectful when I don’t answer, even when I’m begging her to stop because I want to be left alone. I can’t talk about these things
I almost flipped out, damn near screaming:

do you know what it’s like to wake up every day hating yourself and the world around you and wanting to die, not because you want death, but because you just want the pain to stop. no? okay then leave me alone”

but instead, I just held in my words and cried. Happy new year.

So familiarize …

So familiarize
what having to swallow this pill its like
it happens all the time, they take your heart and steal your life
and its as though you feel you’ve died
because you’ve been killed inside
and yet you’re still alive
which means you will survive
although today you may weep because you’re weak and
everything seems so bleak and hopeless
the light that you’re seeking,
it begins
to seep in
that’s the only thing keepin
you from leapin
off the motherfreakin
deep end.

beautiful pain by eminem

Quote

You Never Know

Hey guys, I just came on to spread a message really quickly.
We often times don’t stop to think about what we’re saying, and for a lot of people I’ve noticed that there seems to be NO FILTER between your brain and your mouth. I mean it’s cool to be outgoing, and speaking your mind is good but just always know that your actions have consequences. I don’t care how well you think you may know a person, chances are 9/10 times you probably have no idea what’s going on in their heads and you don’t know what they’re going through. I just really started reflecting on that yesterday when I talked to my drama teacher about getting switched out because of my social anxiety but I’m not going to lie, my depression played a huge part in it too, but anyways he said “wow, you must put up some really good masks because I would’ve never ever guessed that you’re going through that” And that’s the thing… you never know. People have been asking me questions, like 4 people asked me at lunch straight up “are you depressed?”. I would just say no and they’d shrug it off and say oh you’ve probably just had a bad week. WRONG.

It hasn’t been a bad week, it’s been a shitty last few months if anyone’s bothered to notice, but you don’t notice. You’ve only seen it the last couple weeks because that’s all I WANTED you to see… Well technically I’ve just been to low to hide it anymore, its more just about weakness now but you get where I was going. Noone knows nor suspects (openly) about what I’ve been dealing with. There’s this guy, I’ll call him Connor for the sake of this post, he bullies me and picks on me and makes me feel like shit. You know what I do? I put on a brave face and when I get home I cut, I let all of the insecurities he’s just created flow out of me at once. I bet he doesn’t know that he’s breaking me. I don’t care if he knows or not. But don’t let Connor be you. Don’t push and push someone over the edge. Even if it’s something small you’ve ever said negative to this person for the first time, you don’t know what’s going on in their head or what they just went through no matter how happy they appear to be. Don’t let the blood of someone else’s death rest on your hands.

Major Anxiety And Killing It

Hey guys, sorry I haven’t posted in a while. I’ve been majorly stressed and I’ve been dealing through way too many ups and downs it’s just a constant back and forth. My long term boyfriend (on and off since we were 4 years old) has been in the hospital with a kidney stone the past couple days and I’ve been going crazy about it. My anxiety naturally started kicking in and in my mind I was playing out the worst possible scenarios. By the time I went to sleep the first night (only got about 20 minutes of sleep) I was thinking he had cancer. Yeah, I get this irrational fear about anyone who goes to the emergency room. Thank god he passed it finally and I can calm down a bit

I’ve discovered a way that calms my anxiety a little and I’m not even going to lie, I realize it’s pretty weird even to me but hey it helps. I started journaling again and a way it helps calm it is writing lists. It’s not even anything important, just really random things. Like I made lists for my dream jobs, nicknames I’ve been given, my irrational fears, and my favorite colors, etc.

As for my depression it’s been getting bad, last night especially. I don’t want to get into specifics for fear someone might judge me but for the most part I did self harm and it is beginning to become a regular thing for me,

Depression Update

For a while there I was starting to get a lot better with the whole depression thing. I was starting to talk to a couple of friends and I even got past my fear of going into the lunch line at school and ordering lunch which was a huge milestone for me. But this weekend out of nowhere I got pulled back so much lower than I was before. It feels instantaneous really. Past couple days I havent had any urge to live life like a normal human being. I find myself struggling to perform basic necessities for life such as getting up to make myself food or to take showers, as gross as that sounds but its the truth. I didnt want to bother communicating with my grandmother to ask her to borrow her laptop so I just started blogging from my phone. I even dropped out pf NaNoWriMo. The thought of It just scared me and gave me anxiety and I dont know how to explain It but I just couldnt do It. Its 7 at night and im exhausted mentally and so is my body. Its just a major change from where I brought myself up to. I thought I was finally getting better …

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