As we all know, today is Valentine’s day. I’m one of those people without a Valentine to celebrate with… so my night is going to consist of Netflix, reading, and Chinese take out. Anyone else doing the same?
I refuse to allow myself to become miserable over today. I hate that I’m so socially awkward. I hate that I’m scared to leave my house. I hate that I’m so quiet… I hate that I’m so scared to get close to people. I feel like I might have been attractive enough to have a date tonight, if these hadn’t been issues for me. But tonight, I drown my sorrows in fresh baked cookies from scratch. Would anybody like to message on kik?

To Post Or Not To Post;

I don’t really know what’s going on with me lately… holy hell. I have TONS of ideas of things that I really have been wanting to post about, there’s a four page long list sitting in the back of my planner. but it’s like every time that I sit down to talk about something it just never comes out the way I want it to. When I first started here I was able to speak my mind without any sort of worry about it, because the only person I was talking to was myself. Once I gained one or two followers it was great because I then had an audience I was able to talk to (a SMALL audience). But now there’s over 160 of you guys. This is MINDBLOWING to me honestly. I started out here as a means to express myself and over time we’ve grown together (those who’ve been around since my fetus days know what I’m talking about) into a place where we come together, it’s not just me going on about my issues but more so me sharing my story and giving my advice to everyone whose asked for it. But that’s the thing, I’m scared to share my story anymore. I know 160 may not be much compared to some of the more successful blogs here but to someone who’s terrified of human contact and has trouble even getting on the phone to order pizza. I find it astounding. So thank you again to everyone who’s been around supporting me. My biggest thing is that I’m scared that my content won’t be considered good enough… but I’ve also been reminding myself that the number of followers here has only been growing. not declining. So guys I promise, I’ll be posting more. Especially starting next month I’ll be posting daily during 25 days of Christmas(:

Anxiety.

Lately my anxiety has been monstrous. I woke up over an hour ago (7am my time) and my anxiety was instantly through the roof, I’ve had one panic attack after another after another.
Is this normal?

Life Update, I’m Quitting School

Hey guys, I just thought I would do a life update really quickly.

Depression became worse than usual, it’s completely crippling. I’ve lost drive to do anything and everything.
Insomnia no more, I sleep all through the night, and I’m still always tired when I wake up in the morning. I sleep through a lot of my extra classes (theatre, art, culinary etc.). Except there’s a few nights in a row every few weeks where anxiety won’t let me sleep. During the weekends I don’t even really go to visit my dad anymore, I like to stay home. I hate leaving my room, let alone the house. Especially to travel in a car for 30-45 minutes. I’m usually just in bed or on Netflix while I’m awake. I’ve been writing a little bit more in my journal and I started a new project, these rainbow loom things. They’re bracelets you make from little mini rubber bands. I only make the basic ones though, the singles and fishtail ones. I can’t even bother to think about attempting one of the more complicated ones, the difficulty level just stresses me out.
I almost went to see a therapist, but then I thought better of it. I want help but I’m just not ready, I’ll try again in a few weeks.

I turn 16 on June 7th, which I do happen to believe is the last day of school. I’m quitting. I’ve been thinking about it for a while but I FINALLY made that decision.
I don’t want to go to public school anymore, I’ll probably just do an online school.
I would explain why, but that’s a rant for a later blog post

Thanks for listening guys. x

Depressive Insomnia

Well, with everything that’s been happening lately i’ve been having some insanely crazy nightmares… well, the SAME nightmare. It’s all about the things my stepdad did to me (i’m still not ready to completely share specifically what he did with you guys get). I have the dream that after the trial he finds me and rapes me, during this im screaming out the name of my boyfriend to help me but he never does… it only hurts more and more every night, not only about what he was doing but about the fact that Alex wouldn’t save me. This feels so weird. Dont normal people have DIFFERENT dreams at night? I don’t understand what it means or why I’m having this dream..

Its gotten to the point where I can’t sleep because im scared to. I’m getting so sick of it that i REFUSE to sleep tonight. I just don’t know if i’ll be able to handle going through it another night, it’s an emotional rollercoaster that ultimately ends in me waking up in tears. I’m just done.