As we all know, today is Valentine’s day. I’m one of those people without a Valentine to celebrate with… so my night is going to consist of Netflix, reading, and Chinese take out. Anyone else doing the same?
I refuse to allow myself to become miserable over today. I hate that I’m so socially awkward. I hate that I’m scared to leave my house. I hate that I’m so quiet… I hate that I’m so scared to get close to people. I feel like I might have been attractive enough to have a date tonight, if these hadn’t been issues for me. But tonight, I drown my sorrows in fresh baked cookies from scratch. Would anybody like to message on kik?

Depression Cripples;

Where for art thou, oh loyal readers?

I’ve been gone for far too long, it seems I’ve been sent off to the looney bin again. Oh what a joyous day!
Not. I feel even worse now than before I went in. Today I was supposed to go back to school, my plan was to start getting back onto a normal schedule. Not just school, but my entire life. Anybody with Major Depressive Disorder can understand how hard something so small as scraping yourself out of bed to shower, take your medicine, and eat, ends up feeling like you’re climbing Mount Everest. Anyways, rather than going to school, I ended up in the hospital (the regular one this time). It seems that my body has decided to give up again. Believe me, I’m right there with it. My body is severely infected and I cant get my meds until Monday. WAY TO GO shitty American healthcare system.

I’ve missed this, I miss posting here, I miss my followers, the friends I’ve made. Expect posts on a regular basis again guys. I’m not quite sure what days I’m going to do (I haven’t quite gotten that far yet) BUT IM GETTIN’ THERE.

Social Anxiety And The Travel Bug

I feel like my personality and my mental issues have a serious clashing a lot of the time, I feel like on the inside I’m extremely ambitious and that if I could, I would be making a lot of better decisions than I am. Logically, I know that keeping myself locked away into my room isn’t healthy, nor is blowing off my best friends when they’re going to be moving far far away in less than a week. I just can’t do it though. On the inside, I’ve been bitten by the travel bug, (that’s probably due to the fact that growing up my mother never allowed us to live in one place for longer than two months at a time) but once I get it in my head that I want to venture off on some big road trip and d a bunch of completely insane things and take so many chances, my logical head and better judgement kicks in. I’m terrified of life, I’m scared to walk out of my front door in the morning, let alone stay out in the “real world” for a week or longer at a time. I love traveling but I hate leaving my comfort zone. One day… I’m going to get myself out there, I’m going to live. Tonight I made that promise to myself. One day…

Relapse

I was so happy with myself, I figured that I was going so far in life, like maybe I was building this base for myself that allowed to be able to start creating a freedom and to start finding myself and actually start my career and school and my new life. In reality though I’m just stuck in a rut. I relapsed and cut again after almost flipping the car. I’m about to go make my appointment to finally take my license test but now I’m starting to second guess if that’d actually be a good idea or not,

on the bright side I started exploring myself in starting my career as a makeup artist and started a beauty blog, I’d love if anyone checked it out? I’ll be posting hauls, lookbooks, ootw’s, and tutorials. Thanks babes.

RIP Joan Rivers

To most people she was just one more celebrity death, but it was more to me. She was an inspiration, she taught me that getting old (something i fear and dread on the highest scale possible) didn’t mean wasting away the rest of your days just sitting around. She was up and jolly, loud, noisy, and made as much fun as possible even as the years progressed. Being only in 16, I’d already given up on life far earlier than she had ever begun to. If theres a god up there, im sure hes looking after her beautiful kindred soul.
Rest In Peace, Joan Rivers.👏

Gallery

crushes <3 … well, crushed

Isn’t it weird how the way crushes work? I mean, it can EASILY take you from some strong, big, badass girl with all of her protective walls up, to acting like a complete and total idiot and making a fool of yourself going all GAGA over this guy (well… or girl). I think I’ve turned. I don’t get it though, he’s not my type.
He’s my height, chubby, medium length hair. NONE of which I usually go for… but for some reason I’ve fallen like head over heels for a guy I’ve only first encountered three days ago. I hadn’t even really talked to him until today. Hmm, well rather, I talked… he nodded. It was so awkward. I made an attempt to introduce myself and we talked for a minute, but he shut down the conversation and I just gracefully (not so much. well all know I’m not capable of graceful) bowed out.

He probably thinks I’m a weirdo now…
OH WELL,
story of my life.

Nameless

Alright, so I don’t think that this even deserves a title, so this post shall officially be dubbed Nameless, like me. That’s how I feel sometimes, invisible and nameless.
My apologies for my sudden hiatus. I’ve had too much on my plate and actually had completely forgotten about this blog. When I stumbled upon the wordpress site again, I half expected for everyone to disappear. But everyone’s still here, so three cheers for loyalty from complete strangers on the internet.

Anyways, on to the update. I had a very long summer. I moved out  of my house, hooray.. now it’s less than a month later and I’m back home. I moved in with my dad… and things got to be too much. I was essentially living in a house full of strangers. Even if they’re my family, it didn’t feel like it. It’s not until you move in with someone that you realize how little you know about a person. Everyone said that my depression was a hassle. I wasn’t allowed to be in my room unless I was sleeping, and they said that they didn’t want to be around negativity all day. Figures. Everyone wants what they want how they want it. I’m getting used to that.
After a month of holding back almost every emotion I felt, you can being to see my frustrations. Eventually, I exploded and it wasn’t pretty. That’s the night I moved back and didn’t look back. I haven’t talked to them since
School started four days ago and I feel like I’m completely overwhelmed. I’m starting to see why kids are dropping out so early. I’m in three college credit classes and the rest are honors classes. I’m on a very advanced track and I want it to stop. I can’t stand this. I’m getting work piled up and piled up on me and I’m figuring everything out on my own, it’s crazy and I don’t know how much longer I’ll be able to handle this.

I feel like I’m always moving in slow motion, like I’m under water. I’m kind of numb, but that’s okay. When I’m numb, I’m not hurting. I know it’s only temporary but it’s good for now. I like it.
I can handle it.

Adam’s song- Blink 182

I’m trying to type fast because my laptop is dying and frankly I don’t have any energy to run  through the crowd of very loud very obnoxious people getting drunk in my kitchen.
I’ve been thinking a lot recently, probably too much… but I’ve accepted that that’s my problem.
Depression, does it ever really end? or are we always living with it? Maybe its like a bug… no, it’s like a virus. It makes itself show through sometimes and others it just sits in you and grows and grows and just never stops. You never really understand how bad it gets until you finally see it. By that time it’s too late for you to do anything about it..
I’ve had way too much time to think on my hands. I’ve been sitting in bed like all week, watching old 90’s sitcoms and making friendship bracelets (so. many. bracelets). I feel like an old woman. Unable to move, confined to the bed… only, just for different reasons.
My apologies everyone. I promise my posts will get more organized after this. I know I’ve just been bombarding y’all with posts from my random thoughts and updates on life, if I post at all.
I’m working on it.

Sigh.

Have you ever felt like your slipping. You feel it but you dont realize it. You only know because every one around you keeps pointing out how “empty” and “lifeless” you look.
You’re broken, you’re hurt, you’re empty, you’re slipping away.. you’re depressed. and worst of all… you never even knew, or rather, you didnt stop to take the time to listen to yourself.
Or this is probably only me and im going on about nothing to no body. Just me? Yeah. Kbye.

WHATUP HOME G DOGS?

Alright guys, so first things first… im not the same person I was when I started this blog. Im… better? (For lack of a better term). My depression and anxiety is nowhere near at the place that it was. Im sorry that ive been away for so long, I thought that I was done here. But once I logged in and saw that I was still getting views and follows even after being gone for so long it made me extremely happy. I cant just delete this blog, but just a heads up the direction of it is going to change a bit. First, no more of me bitching about my problems (especially small ones), thats all in the past.
We all know that I have the secret desire to be a beauty guru so im going to give it another shot (you may laugh if I fail miserably). I’m still going to be talking about my life and stuff if you guys want to hear about it still (well, thats why over 100 of you guys are here) I’d just like feedback. Ill be back with an update and everything later
Caio x.

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