As we all know, today is Valentine’s day. I’m one of those people without a Valentine to celebrate with… so my night is going to consist of Netflix, reading, and Chinese take out. Anyone else doing the same?
I refuse to allow myself to become miserable over today. I hate that I’m so socially awkward. I hate that I’m scared to leave my house. I hate that I’m so quiet… I hate that I’m so scared to get close to people. I feel like I might have been attractive enough to have a date tonight, if these hadn’t been issues for me. But tonight, I drown my sorrows in fresh baked cookies from scratch. Would anybody like to message on kik?

RIP Joan Rivers

To most people she was just one more celebrity death, but it was more to me. She was an inspiration, she taught me that getting old (something i fear and dread on the highest scale possible) didn’t mean wasting away the rest of your days just sitting around. She was up and jolly, loud, noisy, and made as much fun as possible even as the years progressed. Being only in 16, I’d already given up on life far earlier than she had ever begun to. If theres a god up there, im sure hes looking after her beautiful kindred soul.
Rest In Peace, Joan Rivers.👏

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Death/Loss

Well this initially happened yesterday morning but the thoughts were crippling me and literally didn’t move from my bed at all yesterday. My body didn’t know how to react. I was craving all of these different foods but after i forced myself out of bed and to the kitchen to cook it, I just couldn’t eat. I didn’t know what I wanted, I even began craving hamburgers…. I absolutely despise hamburgers.
I found out yesterday morning that my uncle had been pronounced dead.
It took me a while for it to even register in my head, I thought my mom must have been talking about someone else. I had seen him just a week ago and he looked fine and healthy, nothing was wrong with him. He had passed in his sleep the night prior, he went to sleep and just didn’t wake up…
They don’t exactly know the cause of death but in my head I already know it was overdose, there was too many drugs for too long. One’s body can only take so much.
As I said I don’t know how to handle myself, i don’t know what to do with myself. My best friend told me it’s probably a shock that’s associated with severe depression. I don’t want to be depressed, I don’t want to be severely depressed. It hurts so much.
I haven’t done anything but watch old Roseanne reruns alone in my room. I’ve been dressing in black so no one looks at me. I have my headphones plugged in so no one tries to talk to me.
I even had an anxiety attack in the kitchen it’s awful, I’m so jumpy. I saw a car headlight out of the corner of my eye against the wall and I jumped so hard a got bacon grease on myself.

I’m just done.