As we all know, today is Valentine’s day. I’m one of those people without a Valentine to celebrate with… so my night is going to consist of Netflix, reading, and Chinese take out. Anyone else doing the same?
I refuse to allow myself to become miserable over today. I hate that I’m so socially awkward. I hate that I’m scared to leave my house. I hate that I’m so quiet… I hate that I’m so scared to get close to people. I feel like I might have been attractive enough to have a date tonight, if these hadn’t been issues for me. But tonight, I drown my sorrows in fresh baked cookies from scratch. Would anybody like to message on kik?

My Abusive Relationship Story.

While I was gone, I had promised myself that I was open my eyes up to new experiences in life… and I did.
Come late November, I met the most amazing guy that I had talked to in a very long time. It was a whirlwind romance, a spectacular Rendez-vous worthy of screaming towards the heavens. I thought this was going to be a wonderful relationship… but he turned out to be a not so wonderful guy.

From the beginning we had fallen in love, it was one of the very few times that I had let my guard down for a man (I will learn from my mistake). Once he knew he had me in love with him, he turned very quickly. Initially I thought it was a gradual change, until after we broke up and I went back to read my old journal entries, there was nothing gradual about how he was acting. The only thing that had slowly begun to change was my perception of him as I slowly came to my senses.
At first, he would just get jealous or angry that I had an account on MEETME regardless if I was using it or not, he wanted to go through it all the time. I wasn’t cheating, and even though after two weeks of checking it constantly, he didn’t believe me. Then came the other social media, he was checking my instagram, twitter, and text messages more than I was. He continuously posted pictures of himself all over my instagram. I thought it was a cute sentiment at the time but later I realized it’s so everyone would see that he was the alpha male. He had me delete these things. Delete the MEETME, delete ex’s from my Instagram, delete everybody from my phone that he didn’t like (which included every single one of my friends), and the most stupid part about this thing was that I let him. I waited at his feet like a little puppy dog for his next command. I was becoming depressed by this point, when he would leave for work it would sink in how alone I was, I had nobody to talk to at all.

Next came cutting me off from family. The only person he’d allow me to be around was my grandmother, and I think that’s because she was the only one completely ignorant to the situation (which could’ve been dangerous because I was living with her at the time). The rest of my family saw straight through him, and they worried for my safety. If I wasn’t alone at home–which became rare because as I said before I was extremely depressed and therefore never went anywhere– he would call me no less than every 20 minutes. And he would get very very angry if I was driving and didn’t answer the phone, even though that was the reason for my car accident (which I’ll get to in another post). Keep in mind that if I wasn’t at home, I was with family (I didn’t have any friends left). I remember in particular one time where he called me like 1000 times even though I told him I was driving my other around and finally she picked up the phone, he had a hissy fit wanting to know exactly where I was and who I was with and he questioned every little detail, EVEN THOUGH MY MOTHER PICKED UP THE PHONE. She told him to calm down the controlling stuff before it got bad, and he flipped out. He hated the word controllling and swore to every family member who called him that, that he wasn’t and never would be, even though that was exactly what he was doing. He didn’t want to face the music of what he was really doing to me. My cousin had been his friend for years prior and my cousin told me to watch my back, I finally understand why.

He had this way of balancing out the good with all of the bad, He would do things to get me to forgive him every time we got into a fight (which my this point was extremely often), he yelled at me a lot. If you’ve been around on this blog for a while you would understand why getting yelled at is such an issue to me, its scary and makes me break down *escepically when getting yelled at by someone three times my size as the was*. Further than that he called me names, terrible awful names that shouldn’t ever be repeated, and he put me down constantly. My self worth was gone. After these fighting episodes he would bring me roses, take me out on a date, anything to make me feel better and sweep his mistakes under the rug, every time he would do this I assumed it meant that he learned what he did wrong and it meant that he wouldn’t do it again, I was wrong.

This went on for what felt like an eternity, until the night that we broke up. That night was when shit hit the fan. It started as a normal night, we had just gotten into another argument about him thinking that I was cheating and it was a nasty argument. Afterwards he came over and brought me some movies that I liked so we could have a movie night. It was the most strained we have ever been, we wouldn’t get near each other, we sat on opposite ends of the couch, no cuddling. It was odd. And then came the point at the end of the night where he blatantly demanded my phone. Before it was different; he would ask, I don’t do demands. For the first time ever I finally told him NO. And that was a mistake, that was the first time (and the last) that he put his hands on me. He kept trying to reach for the phone and I held out my arm as far as I could from him and threw myself onto my side to get it as far away from him as possible (I wasn’t hiding anything, I just didn’t feel obligated to show him unless he could ask nicely) and so he grabbed my arm that was closest to him as hard as he could near my elbow and squeezed (this guy played football, he’s strong). I found later that I had a major bruise there. I’m not going into detail about the rest of the night but basically he ended up breaking up with me and walking out of my door for good, and I was left with a few more bruises.

The sad part is, that he thought what he was doing was okay, he didn’t think he was wrong at all. I could tell from the way he talked he sounded like this was what a normal relationship should’ve been like.
He came back a couple of weeks ago, I thought he had changed… until he told me that if he came back that there would be even more strict ground rules and plus I would have to make some huge grand apology, and then he told me straight out that he just wanted sex (as if I were some floozy) I kicked him to the curb though. As I said before, I learn from my mistakes.

Depression Cripples;

Where for art thou, oh loyal readers?

I’ve been gone for far too long, it seems I’ve been sent off to the looney bin again. Oh what a joyous day!
Not. I feel even worse now than before I went in. Today I was supposed to go back to school, my plan was to start getting back onto a normal schedule. Not just school, but my entire life. Anybody with Major Depressive Disorder can understand how hard something so small as scraping yourself out of bed to shower, take your medicine, and eat, ends up feeling like you’re climbing Mount Everest. Anyways, rather than going to school, I ended up in the hospital (the regular one this time). It seems that my body has decided to give up again. Believe me, I’m right there with it. My body is severely infected and I cant get my meds until Monday. WAY TO GO shitty American healthcare system.

I’ve missed this, I miss posting here, I miss my followers, the friends I’ve made. Expect posts on a regular basis again guys. I’m not quite sure what days I’m going to do (I haven’t quite gotten that far yet) BUT IM GETTIN’ THERE.

Hey guys,
I’m sorry if the spelling is terrible on this one, I’m shaking.
Honestly, I would just like to take a second to say that it’s okay to ask for help. Friends, family, a teacher. HELL, IF NOONE ELSE WILL BE THERE FOR YOU THEN I WILL

I logged on to my account today and started scrolling through my reader to see a post called “it ends tonight”. I feel like a part of me immediately knew what this meant because I’ve written them in my journal as a promise to myself so many times. It was one of the newbie bloggers that I’ve started subscribing to lately. She was one of the ones that I’ve been meaning to comment onto one of her posts with my email so she could talk to me if she needed to

I guess it’s a little too late now.

I feel like shit, in her last post she stated how nobody was there and all of her friends lost interest in her life.
Maybe this could’ve been prevented… I don’t know

Depression is something I talk about casually around here because it’s a part of my every day life. It’s something I’ve gotten used to even though I guess you’re not supposed to. Rationally, I know that. Help is nothing to be ashamed of guys. Don’t follow in my footsteps, if you’re feeling low, please just vent to someone, if you can’t then journaling is a GREAT alternative too. Keeping it bottled up is the worst thing for you to do
If anyone needs to talk email me : iheartsumocyco@yahoo.com
I’ll respond within the day.

Creating Connections/ Favorite Book Of All Time

Well, i stayed home from school again today. I couldn’t seem to get myself up and out of bed because my depression was so heavy. I picked up a book that i read last week, to reread. (A clear sign that i fell in love with it because i NEVER reread books). I just cant believe how well i connected with one of the main charecters, Liz. Weve been through so many of the same experiences it was beautiful. I love that someone else feels how i feel (even if its a fictional charecter)
This should definately make its way onto your TBR list📖📚:

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Ive carried this thing around with me so much, excuse the facts that its soo beat up. 💋

crushes <3 … well, crushed

Isn’t it weird how the way crushes work? I mean, it can EASILY take you from some strong, big, badass girl with all of her protective walls up, to acting like a complete and total idiot and making a fool of yourself going all GAGA over this guy (well… or girl). I think I’ve turned. I don’t get it though, he’s not my type.
He’s my height, chubby, medium length hair. NONE of which I usually go for… but for some reason I’ve fallen like head over heels for a guy I’ve only first encountered three days ago. I hadn’t even really talked to him until today. Hmm, well rather, I talked… he nodded. It was so awkward. I made an attempt to introduce myself and we talked for a minute, but he shut down the conversation and I just gracefully (not so much. well all know I’m not capable of graceful) bowed out.

He probably thinks I’m a weirdo now…
OH WELL,
story of my life.

Guess Who’s Back (back) Back Again, Kaia’s Back (back) Tell a friend

Sorry guys, I’ve had that song stuck in my head all day. ^
I’ve been gone for quite some while now huh? I guess I owe some sort of an explaination. Life’s just been very very busy for me lately. I’ve had finals for the past couple months, and between preparation for them and actually taking them I’ve been swamped. Believe me, i haven’t even been on Twitter much lately, which is saying something. Go follow me btw @kaiaalove 
🙂
I stopped going to my therapist, it just wasn’t much of a match. I realized that my entire problem was the fact that I hold a lot of things in that i’m feeling. It’s finally beginning to dawn on me that I should really stop doing that, it just esculates everything times 1000. After two sessions i just didn’t think that I needed it anymore. I also stopped taking my antidepressants.
I decided that I’m not quitting High School next year. There’s just way too many things that i want to accomplish, so many clubs that i want to try, and even if i dont end up doing those things, i just want the opportunity to be able to say that I had the option. 
Mainly, I’m going back for one person. 
*epic flashback time*
It all started way back in the 6th grade. I dated this guy, and he was my first real love. I thought that we would last forever, but when you’re that young… you always do. In all reality, we were toxic together. He was still a little kid (mentally) and i was just trying to find out who i was (I mean come on, i was 12) it just wasn’t a good match up.. Years later, we started talking again but by that time we had moved apart, he was on the other end of the city and going to our rival school and we never saw each other in person. The most we had was an occasional Skype chat. But all of that is going to change now(: he’s coming to my high school next year. We’ve gotten over our old childish ways, we’re a lot alike now. Hell, we can kick it and play videogames together and just be chill like best friends. I’m not planning on being back with him.. but it’s nice to be able to just have a best friend that i can connect with 

Especially because.. he may damn well be my last real friend I’ve got. I’m cutting myself off next year. I just can’t keep putting myself through constant bullshit. Certain conversations have arisen in my little group of friends and the talk just hurt. I’d rather not put them out there yet, but maybe I’m just being stupid. It just hurts my feelings to think that this may be the way that my friends perceive me, just to think… maybe this is the way that EVERYONE sees me…

“Fucking Schizzo”

So after this whole experience, after going to the mental hospital, showing my family my cuts and being honest with everyone, one thing that I’ve really really learned is to just start being honest. If you have a mental disorder, you’re not going to be able to get help unless you admit you have a problem and tell someone about it.  So finally I’ve spilled the final pot of beans, I hear voices. I’ve never told anyone before yesterday so sharing it here was like, a gigantor step. I just opened up to my mom and confided in her. We talked about everything wrong with me, from depression all the way to my possible schizophrenia. It felt nice to finally be able to let something out that I’ve been holding back for many years and I think mom and I are even getting a lot closer now that I’m opening up.  It feels really nice.

I think I might be bipolar. / I’m taking a huge step

Hey guys, so I know that I haven’t posted much other than my last couple of rants (take that society!) but I’ve had a lot on my mind. On the bright side, I think that I may have FINALLY gotten a few things straightened out to where they make sense in my head. I think that I might be bipolar. If you know me, you would know that I absolutely hate to self diagnose anything because I begin getting paranoid about stuff but this time it’s different, I feel like I might’ve finally found some sort of an explanation for this.
It explains why some times I’m extremely hyper and everyone’s best friend and why other times I become so down that doing anything at all no matter how simple seems completely impossible (the depression phases are the worst). I thought that there was just something wrong with me to be honest. Like when I would lash out and be a complete bitch to people a lot of the time and really not even know why. I feel like this might be a way to finally explain it to myself so I did a little research. Social anxiety is also really common with this sort of thing as well
I’m 15 almost 16, does anyone know if it might be too late for symptoms to show in me? I’ve been like this since I was about 13/14 that I can remember.
But I always thought that it was just average teen hormones. My mom was quick to disagree because of the extent of how dramatic things are.
I guess I’ll find out soon though because… *drumroll*

Kaia decided to put aside her foolish pride for a while and on the 22nd I have an appointment with my primary care doctor to set me up with a therapist. I’m finally taking the first step. I just want to say a huge thank you to all of my followers that have been here for me and commented with all of your support, you guys have really helped me and encouraged me to finally get a little bit of help. I love you all ❤

~kaia

The Lock Project♡

Hey guys, I’m a little bit late on this. The lock project was supposed to be done on January 10th, you were to draw different color locks (each color symbolizing something) to show peope that they arent alone.
Red-Self harm
Yellow-Bulemia
Green-anorexia
Blue-depression
Purple-anxiety
Pink-supporting
Black- suicidal

I made a bracelet instead ♥
My colors are blue, red, black, pink, and purple.
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