I think I might be bipolar. / I’m taking a huge step

Hey guys, so I know that I haven’t posted much other than my last couple of rants (take that society!) but I’ve had a lot on my mind. On the bright side, I think that I may have FINALLY gotten a few things straightened out to where they make sense in my head. I think that I might be bipolar. If you know me, you would know that I absolutely hate to self diagnose anything because I begin getting paranoid about stuff but this time it’s different, I feel like I might’ve finally found some sort of an explanation for this.
It explains why some times I’m extremely hyper and everyone’s best friend and why other times I become so down that doing anything at all no matter how simple seems completely impossible (the depression phases are the worst). I thought that there was just something wrong with me to be honest. Like when I would lash out and be a complete bitch to people a lot of the time and really not even know why. I feel like this might be a way to finally explain it to myself so I did a little research. Social anxiety is also really common with this sort of thing as well
I’m 15 almost 16, does anyone know if it might be too late for symptoms to show in me? I’ve been like this since I was about 13/14 that I can remember.
But I always thought that it was just average teen hormones. My mom was quick to disagree because of the extent of how dramatic things are.
I guess I’ll find out soon though because… *drumroll*

Kaia decided to put aside her foolish pride for a while and on the 22nd I have an appointment with my primary care doctor to set me up with a therapist. I’m finally taking the first step. I just want to say a huge thank you to all of my followers that have been here for me and commented with all of your support, you guys have really helped me and encouraged me to finally get a little bit of help. I love you all ❤

~kaia

I’ve Got Friends In All The Right Places I Know What They Want And I Know They Don’t Want Me To Stay

Sorry about the strange title, but as you can tell from the name of my blog I tend to name things the title of a song that’s relevant(ish) to what I’m writing about. Sadly, no I’m not writing about Manchester Orchestra;) (they are an amazing band though).
I’m writing about friends. I’m scared that while writing my social anxiety story that I may have given some people the wrong impression. For those of you that don’t have social anxiety I would like to clear up a few things. I feel like while I was writing I may have led to a few false conclusions in the way I wrote it, and I don’t want people to falsely stereotype people with social anxiety because I hadn’t slept for a few days prior to writing that post but I really wanted to get that part of the My Story saga out of the way first because If I didn’t “just do it” It would have never gotten written.
Without further ado, my clarifications.

Okay, so I guess when people think of social anxiety, a lot of people tend to think of people that never speak. This isn’t true. People with social anxiety actually do talk, sometimes a lot. It just isn’t in the way I guess you would consider “normal”. In public, it’s only the cases where people have selective mutism (which as I understand is sometimes associated with the disorder) that they find themselves very very very rarely speaking in public. The fear is too great. But it’s like depression, the symptoms and feelings vary from person to person. Some people with this disorder are actually able to speak to many people during the course of their day, when required. Usually, it is not by choice. Their abilities all revolve around the range of severity of the disorder. I guess I would be considered in the middle, I’m terrified of talking to my peers, but I will speak with my professor on occasion when I ABSOLUTELY have to. Although because of today I’m rethinking that. I was asking my teacher a question and instead of calling the paper an article I called it a graph. She knew what I was speaking about after a few seconds but I’m STILL immensely embarrassed. I wanted to die as I was going back to my seat. I couldn’t believe I made a mistake while speaking. it’s so frustrating.
Just because someone is like this in public, this in no way reflects the person that they are at home. Usually at home the person is extremely vocal, and this is because they are comfortable. People are very at peace in their comfort zone. This goes the same for other people though. Without a doubt this disorder makes it hard to establish relationships, but that doesn’t mean that we don’t have friends. I only have one now and I didn’t get a chance to mention him in the s.a.d post. He’s also very quiet but I think that’s because he’s  going through a depression too. He opens up to me about everything (we’re best friends). But we’ve known each other for a couple of years. He’s the only person I’m comfortable speaking to in public, although people often think we’re extremely weird because we’re both so quiet that it’s rare anyone can hear our conversations but us. I admit, I still get scared talking to him a lot of the time. If I feel like I’m starting to look stupid or talk too much then I just shut down, but that’s the beauty about having a best friend like that, he understands. He won’t poke and prod at me trying to get me to talk like others would.
but yea, just because we’re scared of people doesn’t mean we’re antisocial losers.