My stages of mental breakdown

Today we’re going into more of an almost informative topic, for my readers that don’t experience the same things that I do.
Sometimes we get way too much inside ourselves and just don’t know how to handle it anymore, sometimes life just becomes too overwhelming and in order to cope, our minds just shut down. The mental breakdowns aren’t severe for everybody (well, compared to others) and they occur in different ways
Now keep in mind that these may vary, sometimes mine may last a couple hours, sometimes I stay this way for days

STEPS TO MY MENTAL BREAKDOWNS
*during this period I do not sleep and I rarely remember to eat*

  1. THE NUMBNESS.
    It all begins when I get this overwhelming feeling of numbness all throughout my whole body. I often describe it as a feeling of “drowning” because my body feels almost as if completely submerged in water. Everything feels as if it moves slowly, inside and out. Even my mental processes slow down, it becomes hard for me to think, especially to focus for a long time. During this time is when I get the biggest amount of mental lapses, it becomes almost as if I can’t remember hardly anything. I’ve messed myself up pretty badly while in this state. I’ve driven while in this state and that’s not safe either. I usually don’t remember being in the car or driving, I just look up and BAM I made it home. It scares me to think of how many times I’ve nearly caused and accident and didn’t even know or realize it. I don’t really drive anymore though. The hallucinations tend to hit me really really badly at this point. Oftentimes I get the same delusion, that I’m nonexistent. I actually start to think that I’m not real anymore. It’s pretty weird.
  2. THE WAKE UP
    After all of the numbness I usually approach an in-between stage where it’s like my body has been thrown into a bucket of cold water. it’s like a harsh wake up. I usually just shake down the previous feeling
  3. PANIC
    I dive right back in. I’m still hallucinating badly at this point and paranoia usually sets in here. I get paranoia over dumb things. MY delusions wear off and I get really really panicked. My anxiety sets in at maximum capacity and sometimes I even get suicidal thoughts. I never get them to the point of actually doing things, they’re usually just little thoughts or images that implant themselves into my brain and stick there for a while
  4. THE END
    And the suicidal thoughts are usually the ending marker. Then a start to level back down. I come back to reality, and for the first time since it began I make a meal and sleep. I know I made it seem really calm but in reality it’s a crazy ride for me. There’s a lot of freaking the fuck out, being scared out of my mind, and hitting myself (something I forgot to mention earlier but I think that when i hallucinate in that memory-lapse state i think i hit myself in the head in frustration. I always tend to come back out of it with a huge headache). it sucks, it really does. I’ve gotten the mental breakdowns a few times but I’ve only ever majorly experienced them twice. Both times they lasted for a few days

Back In Therapy/Psychosis delusions/Abilify

Well, here it goes.
One last time I’m making a solid attempt. I really need help. It finally dawned on me. A couple of weeks ago I had my second ever major mental breakdown. I don’t mean a breakdown in the sense of the cutesy romantic-comedy type fashion, where a girl finds her bf cheated and she throws his picture and dramatically storms out. This time was bad, it’s like all of my inner and outer workings just simultaneously shut down. I wasn’t really eating, and my insomnia was heightened by a factor of a billion. I wasn’t angry, I wasn’t screaming, cussing, and throwing shit, I was just… empty. I sat in a dark room in silence, I couldn’t think, it’s like I wasn’t even real. I actually started to think that I didn’t exist anymore (but maybe that was just a delusion). My delusions have been frequent as well too. My hallucinations are starting to get the better of me anymore. I’m hearing angry voices, sometimes they talk directly to me, but most of the time I just pick up bits and pieces, it’s like I’m hearing half of someone else’s conversation. But also, sometimes they’re very random. The other day I heard a cat trapped in the wall, it was fucking terrifying for me. I called my grandpa into the room in a panic thinking that it was real. I told him it sounded like a kitten was stuck in the wall. When he came to check it I could still very clearly hear the cat sounds but he couldn’t. I finally realized it must have been one of those in my head things and just let it go and tried to play it off. Other times I get this weirdness in my head where i would be doing one thing physically but in my head I think I’m doing something else. I was laying in bed reading but at the same time I was standing in my bathroom looking into the mirror. A few minutes later I snapped back and I was still laying in bed holding the book. I never left the bed but i was CLEARLY in the bathroom looking at the mirror, it wasn’t just daydreaming. Do these count as delusions? And of course after that poses the issue of me going into public. I still hate leaving my house, I fucking hate strangers. A lot of times when I go into an area with a large amount of strangers (and by strangers I could also mean people I know but are not close with) I started getting really fucking anxious, and a part of me keeps darting my eyes around and I feel like everybody hates me and in their minds everybody has linked up heads and are sharing thoughts about how stupid I look or bad things about me. It gets bad.

I started a new therapist on Monday though (today is Thursday) and I think it might be promising honestly. I went into the office with a feeling of “fuck this, it’s not going to work. Therapists are assholes” mainly because my last therapist was a piece of shit who pretty much dismissed me as a moody teenager who didn’t really see or feel or hear the things that I do. I was actually paying this one therapist though for him to be so shitty (but that rant is for a later post) but now I’m at one that my primary care doctor set me up for (without me really knowing) that accepts my insurance so woo-fucking-hoo. This lady I have is really nice though. When I went on Monday we didn’t really have a session we just started filling out paperwork and did the basic pre-evaluation thing. We started talking about the voices. She believes me which is nice, it makes me feel a little better. I might go more in depth next Monday and explain more about the hallucinations (maybe about the delusions but I’m not sure). Does anyone think I should tell her about ALL OF IT? Anyways, she mentioned starting me on Abilify, she said it should help with the depression and make the voices go away completely. Also some pills for the severe anxiety and some pills to finally help me sleep. I never sleep. I’m sure I have to have a lot more sessions though, I’ve become a little anxious to find out what I’m going to be diagnosed with. I know a lot of people are like “chill, the diagnosis doesn’t define you”. I know that, but it might make me feel a little less crazy if i had some sort of a label to put on it so I could know what’s ACTUALLY wrong with me. Part of my biggest fear is “what if subconsciously this isn’t real? what if I make all of this up”. I know that sounds incredibly stupid but I don’t know. I guess I just need some sort of validity to cling to to prove that I’m not as mentally fucked up as i feel.

As we all know, today is Valentine’s day. I’m one of those people without a Valentine to celebrate with… so my night is going to consist of Netflix, reading, and Chinese take out. Anyone else doing the same?
I refuse to allow myself to become miserable over today. I hate that I’m so socially awkward. I hate that I’m scared to leave my house. I hate that I’m so quiet… I hate that I’m so scared to get close to people. I feel like I might have been attractive enough to have a date tonight, if these hadn’t been issues for me. But tonight, I drown my sorrows in fresh baked cookies from scratch. Would anybody like to message on kik?

Depression Cripples;

Where for art thou, oh loyal readers?

I’ve been gone for far too long, it seems I’ve been sent off to the looney bin again. Oh what a joyous day!
Not. I feel even worse now than before I went in. Today I was supposed to go back to school, my plan was to start getting back onto a normal schedule. Not just school, but my entire life. Anybody with Major Depressive Disorder can understand how hard something so small as scraping yourself out of bed to shower, take your medicine, and eat, ends up feeling like you’re climbing Mount Everest. Anyways, rather than going to school, I ended up in the hospital (the regular one this time). It seems that my body has decided to give up again. Believe me, I’m right there with it. My body is severely infected and I cant get my meds until Monday. WAY TO GO shitty American healthcare system.

I’ve missed this, I miss posting here, I miss my followers, the friends I’ve made. Expect posts on a regular basis again guys. I’m not quite sure what days I’m going to do (I haven’t quite gotten that far yet) BUT IM GETTIN’ THERE.

Drafting Suicide Notes (with no intention of using them)

Hey guys,

Today I picked kind of a more odd topic: Is it weird to draft suicide notes as a therapeutic outlet? I had someone send an email (keeping it anonymous) asking about my opinion on this, and of course my opinion is no! its not weird.
I like everyone to keep I mind that grieving process is different for everybody, whether you’re grieving a death, a stressful situation, or just getting through depression. Not everybody can process things smoothly, so naturally we cling to any outlet that we could possibly find and I’ve seen (and used) a very wide range of them. And let’s be honest, most of mine aren’t exactly the healthiest options for myself. Suicide notes usually aren’t about suicide (as confusing as that sounds) it’s usually about expressing how you feel, when you think nobody was ever listening before then. It’s almost like journaling in a morbid kind of way. A few months ago I was completely obsessed with this documentary on Netflix about bipolar disorder I found this one woman that said when she hit the low point of bipolar and felt very suicidal, she would always write a suicide note before she brought herself to doing anything too drastic, because she knew that after the letter was written she felt like she got everything out, and it provided enough of a distraction to where it took the edge off the suicidal urge. And it wasn’t just one or two times that she did it, she kept an entire box of these notes.
Watching that made me feel better because it was then that I realized that I did it too, I usually kept them in my journals though, when I was extremely down I would draft a suicide note in my journal and it made me feel better to express to the world everything that I kept locked inside of me for so long,
so no, I don’t think its weird. I think it’s good that you have an outlet for yourself -KJ

Social Anxiety And The Travel Bug

I feel like my personality and my mental issues have a serious clashing a lot of the time, I feel like on the inside I’m extremely ambitious and that if I could, I would be making a lot of better decisions than I am. Logically, I know that keeping myself locked away into my room isn’t healthy, nor is blowing off my best friends when they’re going to be moving far far away in less than a week. I just can’t do it though. On the inside, I’ve been bitten by the travel bug, (that’s probably due to the fact that growing up my mother never allowed us to live in one place for longer than two months at a time) but once I get it in my head that I want to venture off on some big road trip and d a bunch of completely insane things and take so many chances, my logical head and better judgement kicks in. I’m terrified of life, I’m scared to walk out of my front door in the morning, let alone stay out in the “real world” for a week or longer at a time. I love traveling but I hate leaving my comfort zone. One day… I’m going to get myself out there, I’m going to live. Tonight I made that promise to myself. One day…

Bulemic Stomach Problems

The past few days have been pretty rough, I fell back into the cycle.
On Saturday was my little sister’s birthday and I binged as hard as I possible could’ve, oh my gosh. It just got so out of control it was astounding. When I got home I felt completely ill and tried to sleep it off because I knew what would happen if I decided to purge so I went to sleep around 7pm. I woke back up at 11 and couldn’t “just deal with it” anymore, so I went and purged… and purged… and purged. I think I held myself hostage for about two hours doing the water cleansing in between purges (anyone with ed will know what I’m talking about) and I felt like such shit that I couldn’t go back to sleep until like 4 am. The stress physically and mentally from being thrown back into the cycle really messed with my body, I haven’t had the physical compasity to be able to properly eat the past two days, and I won’t lie, I want to binge with my everything but I start feeling really sick after eating so much as a cookie. I was in the store yesterday and I drank a cappuccino the size of a shot glass and I nearly threw up everywhere (thank god I never made it to Starbucks like I was planning to, that’d be a huge waste of a Venti sized drink).

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Anxiety.

Lately my anxiety has been monstrous. I woke up over an hour ago (7am my time) and my anxiety was instantly through the roof, I’ve had one panic attack after another after another.
Is this normal?

Nameless

Alright, so I don’t think that this even deserves a title, so this post shall officially be dubbed Nameless, like me. That’s how I feel sometimes, invisible and nameless.
My apologies for my sudden hiatus. I’ve had too much on my plate and actually had completely forgotten about this blog. When I stumbled upon the wordpress site again, I half expected for everyone to disappear. But everyone’s still here, so three cheers for loyalty from complete strangers on the internet.

Anyways, on to the update. I had a very long summer. I moved out  of my house, hooray.. now it’s less than a month later and I’m back home. I moved in with my dad… and things got to be too much. I was essentially living in a house full of strangers. Even if they’re my family, it didn’t feel like it. It’s not until you move in with someone that you realize how little you know about a person. Everyone said that my depression was a hassle. I wasn’t allowed to be in my room unless I was sleeping, and they said that they didn’t want to be around negativity all day. Figures. Everyone wants what they want how they want it. I’m getting used to that.
After a month of holding back almost every emotion I felt, you can being to see my frustrations. Eventually, I exploded and it wasn’t pretty. That’s the night I moved back and didn’t look back. I haven’t talked to them since
School started four days ago and I feel like I’m completely overwhelmed. I’m starting to see why kids are dropping out so early. I’m in three college credit classes and the rest are honors classes. I’m on a very advanced track and I want it to stop. I can’t stand this. I’m getting work piled up and piled up on me and I’m figuring everything out on my own, it’s crazy and I don’t know how much longer I’ll be able to handle this.

I feel like I’m always moving in slow motion, like I’m under water. I’m kind of numb, but that’s okay. When I’m numb, I’m not hurting. I know it’s only temporary but it’s good for now. I like it.
I can handle it.

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