“Fucking Schizzo”

So after this whole experience, after going to the mental hospital, showing my family my cuts and being honest with everyone, one thing that I’ve really really learned is to just start being honest. If you have a mental disorder, you’re not going to be able to get help unless you admit you have a problem and tell someone about it.  So finally I’ve spilled the final pot of beans, I hear voices. I’ve never told anyone before yesterday so sharing it here was like, a gigantor step. I just opened up to my mom and confided in her. We talked about everything wrong with me, from depression all the way to my possible schizophrenia. It felt nice to finally be able to let something out that I’ve been holding back for many years and I think mom and I are even getting a lot closer now that I’m opening up.  It feels really nice.

Poetry Club + 3 New poems

So yesterday i took a big leap against my social anxiety and went into foreign grounds. I started going to the poetry club at my school. I really liked it, when I first walked in there was a few guys rap battling and i got scared that this was the kinds of things they wanted or were looking for for the club, but i stuck it out for a while. One of the most “thuggish” guys there went up first to read a poem that we all had 15 minutes to write (that day’s topic was adventure), and when he walked up there I was completely shocked, he opened his mouth and out fell the most beautiful poem that I’ve ever heard, he had me mesmerized and I was just so engulfed in it because even I couldn’t have placed the words on that page as beautifully as he did.
That was the only problem I found with me going through the whole experience though, these poets seem so good and I just feel completely inferior that i got too scared to stand up and read because I didn’t want to look stupid. That’s something I’ve got to work on, but without further ado here’s some new poems:

MISADVENTURES:

I can scream as i bleed but you’ll never know,
2 thousand scars made but they’ll never show
terrains and deserts and such harsh conditions
all to run from a few crooked decisions
adventure made by a journey created
freedom, just childish dreaming, far too outdated

HAZE:

the windowsill in the bathroom
that’s where you always kept it
the life we used to have?
that windowsill wrecked it
I was 5 when i first saw it
young and naive
you said it was nothing
but i didn’t believe
so i got curious
I would hold it and play with it
and as i grew
i would smoke it and put it back
but you always knew
something i didn’t know
didn’t you?
you knew the problems it caused
families it tore apart
only 10 years old
my stupidity was off the charts
i didn’t know what i was doing
addiction sparked with a little gleam
just a kid yourself
you were still in your teens
just children, together we learned and grew
we made our mistakes
but yours really shined through
you let me do things that i shouldn’t do
and that’s the reason i stand here and scream
I HATE YOU
you ruined your kids
you tore us apart
you made an addiction
and took it to heart
call yourself a mom, you dont even know the half
life used to be heaven now it’s left pitch black
I pulled myself out, im clean
the stronger of us 2 ill always be
just an imposter of a mother you lead me astray
untouched, in the windowsill of the bathroom
and that’s where it’ll stay

The Definition of Love:

the things i’d let you do to me
i regret every day
from my blackened eyes
to a changed mind
seeing everything your way
you were the boss and I, loyal and truthful
and only bother healing the pain with a “you’re beautiful”
does that heal my bruises? fix my scars?
you’re not HALF the man you believe you are
make yourself to be a superior being from above
continue on
because today, I’m breaking away
and learning how to redefine love

 

ALL POEM RIGHTS BELONG TO KAIA.LOVE

Is it wrong for me to hate her?

Today something happened, I don’t know what to do or how to feel about it. I came home and my mom was in her wheelchair, just sitting in the middle of our living room covered in bruises. It shocked me to see her especially in my house because I haven’t seen her in months. I come to find out that she’s going to come live with us. Her boyfriend apparently put a gun to her head and pulled the trigger three times, (but she never got shot)
It hurts a lot knowing this, but I still can’t forgive her for any of the things that she’s done to my brothers and I. I mean, this is the same man that she’s put before her kids for the past 9 years. She admits that she does it but she just didn’t care was the problem. He’s been beating her for a long time. I feel bad, only because it happened though, I feel no sort of sympathy for her at all… is that wrong of me? She’s known this would happen but she kept going back. Shouldn’t I feel like super ultra bad for her? I just don’t…

dear mom,

mom, I know you think that by getting off of drugs you’ve done me, jd, and kaleb some huge favor but honestly I want that mom back. At least back when you did drugs I could make an excuse for why I raised my brothers and for why you slept all the time. At least I had a reason to try to defend you for not being a mother but that doesn’t work anymore. Playing the victim has always been your favorite game, the blame game a close second but it just doesn’t work anymore. I remember only being four years old when you got into the car accident, I’ve hated your ex boyfriend every day since. I forever blame him for the accident because in all actuality it was his fault, he knew the drugs caused him seizures and he still got you into the car with him behind the wheel. When the doctors told you that you were never going to walk again, I knew you were in a great deal of pain from the wreck but somehow behind all of that there was a glimmer of excitement, you now had another reason to be a victim and make your way out of everything. This would become your excuse for years to come and still is to this very day. You knew that the medicine the doctors were prescribing you were dangerous but you didn’t care you took them anyways, and that’s what sparked your addiction. You managed to gain back some use of your legs. Pulling yourself slowly out of the wheelchair you only managed to pull yourself deeper into the pill bottle, that bottle that tore our family apart. I was sent off to live with grandma while you still got the check every month from a father that was still a ghost to me, I resent you every day knowing that you were taking money from my mouth to pop pills into yours. I continued to grow up, you kept acting like you wanted me over there when you really didn’t, the deceit that the drugs were teaching you told you to tell me that, so that I would come over to watch your son, barely a year old so you could go out and party. I tried to change you, but even the birth of your second child couldn’t have done that, oh how stupid I was. We’re worthless to you right? The only reason you stopped was for your third born, he’s now your little prince that you set up on a pedestal while JD and I are tossed to the side like common trash. Now that I think about it, you never even really stopped doing drugs after you had KK you just got better at hiding it, I do give you props for stopping all of the hard stuff. I remember a few years ago when you started going to the Methadone Clinic, you played it off as a treatment center when really you were just paying to get a daily dose of drugs and do whatever you want on top of that. Paying for the clinic is the reason your children go hungry at the end of the month when the foodstamps run out, we’re completely broke. You wouldn’t care though right? you just want all the best in the world and to act as if your entitled to it, everyone else should pay for all of the nice things in your life because your welfare check comes in every month and you act as if you’ve done your share of hard work, sitting on your ass all day. The methadone makes you sleep, worse than the Xanax ever did. You about as much as a use to us now as you ever were drugged out, passed out on the couch while at 8 years old I was learning how to raise a child completely on my own. That’s something an 8 year old should NEVER have to go through. Do you remember why JD is so messed up in the head? Oh of course not, you wouldn’t wake up. I turned around to make his bottle and he ran out into the road, yup. Extremely close to being hit by a car, thank god for our neighbor because he would be dead otherwise. He despises the sound of a police car now because he remembers being around 3 and every time he heard that sound he connects it with one of his parents going missing. So thank you mother, instead of him feeling like the law could protect him he’s going to grow up hating them. You think that you’re a mother because those few hours you were awake you would pour hot sauce down JD’s throat, because he’s saying words that YOU taught him. Oh, let’s talk about how you find it extremely funny that one of his first words was Xanax, a drug. Yes, hilarious. When you got out of jail you promised that you would focus on us and be a better mom, you were… for about two weeks. I’ll give you that much credit. It’s been what, 8 months since then? And your back lower than you ever were. I’m sorry but that night I had to watch JD and KK, keep them locked away from you because I didn’t want them to see just how fucked up of a person their mother is, doing drugs and coming inside with her children after she PROMISED not to do it, I can never forgive you for that. Time and time again you’ve betrayed my trust. You say that because you had me at 16 were like sisters and I cant tell you anything but in actuality its the complete opposite. The world around me has seen my decline, everyone knows I’m depressed and deteriorating from the inside out, you wonder why your the last to now, it’s because of how well you’ve done at being a mother, mixed with the fact you pay me no attention. YOU got in the car, YOU took the pills, YOU had the kids, YOU denied the treatment that could make you walk again, YOU let him molest me for all of those years, IT WAS ALL YOU. So as you attempt to play the victim I’m through treating you like one… its all your fault.