Scratches Aren’t Self Harm

Well loves, yet again I am back to battle against ignorance from people on the outside making assumptions

There are just a few things I would like to put out there:

1) YOU are in no way to judge to tell someone that what they do isn’t serious enough to count as self harm. If it’s an act done to inflict pain on one’s self (no matter the severity) it constitutes as self harm

2) the fact that it is not done on the wrist means nothing. In fact, I don’t really know anybody who does it on the wrist, most people I know do it elsewhere to hide it from people. That being said, just because It’s done on the wrist means nothing as well

3) cutting is not the only form of self harm, it’s only the one that is most well known. Many other forms of self harm exist, including burning, scab picking, and even ones as far fetched as sex in the form of self harm (I’ve read on one of my follower’s blogs)

4) So what if they do it for attention? That doesn’t mean a damn. All that means is that they need people to see them, they’re begging for someone to notice them before it’s too late. Just because it’s for attention doesn’t make them any less than the people who hide it

5) NOT ALL PEOPLE WHO SELF HARM DO IT FOR ATTENTION, NOR ARE THEY “MENTALLY ILL PSYCHOPATHS” <- im sick and tired of assumptions like this, it’s disgusting.

6) The worst thing you could do is bully someone who self harms

7) You don’t know what people are going through, don’t make assumptions on anybody. You aren’t them, you don’t know what’s going through their head at any given moment (no matter how much you think you know them). Don’t let the blood of someone else’s death rest on your hands.

Expolsive Depression

When I think about depression, I think about being tired. You’re exhausted, your sick of things, you don’t want to see the light you just want to be left alone. And yet, you just deal with it.
But I experienced the most terrifying bout of depression that I’ve had in my entire life. I’ve never been so scared of myself before. I was depressed, but the feelings of being done was way beyond anything I had ever experienced before in my life. I just got so frustrated. I wasn’t just depressed, I was… angry. That’s an emotion that I haven’t genuinely felt in an extremely long time. Sure, I get annoyed occasionally… but never a legit angry. And the worst part is… I don’t even know why, but then again I never do anymore.
A depressed feeling randomly came over me, nothing unusual there… but then it took a weird turn. Usually my depression takes a while to build up, but within a matter of hours it had built up and built up so heavily that I just completely lost a grip on myself. I was thinking so irrationally it was ridiculous. I started freaking out, in my mind everyone was against me. I was laying on the ground crying and trying not to scream. I was so frustrated I wanted to cut again but I’ve been doing so good about not doing it but eventually I lost control and just didn’t know what to do. I started clawing at myself because I just didn’t know what to do. The marks started swelling and burning but eventually I fell asleep and when I woke up they were gone. I slept for a couple of hours and I woke up at 3 a.m. and never got back to sleep
The following day I went to school and pretended like everything was just gravy. The past few days have been really rough but naturally I’m dealing with it. Hopefully things will get better soon though. Today I am officially an out patient at the local mental hospital. Fingers crossed, guys. X

 

‘kill yourself’ is not just an insult, words have power

I have yet another bone to pick with the “normal” behavior accept by society. I’ve noticed a growing trend that is yet another common behavior amongst teenagers which is causing a lot of problems to their peers. So yet again here’s another Kaia rant.

A popular insult now a days: when someone sounds stupid or ignorant, someone else’s response is now commonly ‘bro, kill yourself’

Seriously?

Is it fucking funny that we are now encouraging suicide, that’s amusing?! Seriously kids, we should really just step back and rethink our actions for a little while because obviously our values are WAY out of whack. It’s sickening, it truly is and I even get very frustrated hearing that term thrown around among my peers in the classroom. The teacher heard it today and didn’t even say anything about it, she just brushed it off. Seriously? You’re all going to feel like crap about not standing up and saying anything when that kid goes home and actually commits suicide. I can’t even count how many times I preach the fact that you DON’T ever REALLY know anybody or what they’re feeling or thinking on the inside. They could VERY EASILY already be suicidal without showing it at all on the exterior, and all it takes is one person telling them to go do it for them to gain the courage

Think before you act

I PROMISE THIS IS THE LAST RANT THAT YOU GUYS WILL BE HEARING FROM ME FOR A WHILE ❤

Dear ****,

I love you, I want to start this letter out with that even though you’ll never read this, I cannot allow myself to leave without saying that one last time. This decision was hard but ultimately I had to do it. Lately I’ve been the epitome of all of  problems and trouble for you… even though we’ve never met. That’ll make all of this easier though. You’re a good person but maybe that’s the issue. You save me when I’m at my lowest, even though I don’t WANT to be saved. I just need to go my own way, and if I fall apart (or face the question of death) in the process then so be it, it’s okay because I would’ve known that this was all I’ve truly wanted and that’s the way that things are meant to be. I’m hoping that you can find it in your heart to forgive me, especially seeing as how I can’t tell you that I’m leaving, nor why I’m leaving. My bags are packed I just have to go and never look back.

 I’m trying to look out for myself.

Selfish? maybe.

Am I letting depression guide my decisions? most likely

Will I regret it? most definitely.

But sometimes in life we just have to do things. I’ve always hated goodbyes so I’ll disappear into the night with a “see you later” and pray that maybe someday our paths may cross again

Don’t hate me….

-Kaia.

My Best Bully Ever (poem)

When I couldn’t run track
I was too fat
Then at 110
I was too thin
Like a ghost, I was too white
When I tanned…
truly sickening sight
I wouldn’t stop
I could not hide
These clawing demons left inside
I was frail
I was dying
It was a “joke”
It was “lying”
it was a bully in disguise
my best friend
with hazel eyes
I may have pulled the trigger
but you were secretly my killer
you can apologize with all your might
but it was you, my friend
that took my life

Happy New Year… I Guess.

I just wanted to say happy new year to everybody

I hope you guys are having a better one than I am, I’ve already had a breakdown and cracked. Luckily it’s already 10 o’clock and I only have to stay awake for two more hours for my family to leave me alone.
Depression hit me very very hard today, almost as if everything became extremely real finally, I say that a lot but this was different. It was crippling, it IS crippling. It’s like I’m in this bubble. I can’t get around people, it bothers me. It hurts.
and people keep coming up to me trying their hardest to figure out what’s wrong and for the first time, I didn’t make up some bullshit excuse, I didn’t say “nothing, I’m fine”, I just didn’t say anything. I’ve shut everybody out and it hurts. I don’t want to do this. I don’t want to blow everyone off and ruin people’s nights, but I can’t help it. No matter what I do I can’t force myself to genuinely want to be around my family that I used to spend all of my time with. I even have all of my siblings together in one house. My family is so broken and screwed up that this never happens, but I’m still not out there with them as they’re all watching movies together in the living room. I don’t know why. I just don’t want to do this.
It’s frustrating people horribly, my stepmother even broke today. She wants to know what’s wrong and she finds it disrespectful when I don’t answer, even when I’m begging her to stop because I want to be left alone. I can’t talk about these things
I almost flipped out, damn near screaming:

do you know what it’s like to wake up every day hating yourself and the world around you and wanting to die, not because you want death, but because you just want the pain to stop. no? okay then leave me alone”

but instead, I just held in my words and cried. Happy new year.

So familiarize …

So familiarize
what having to swallow this pill its like
it happens all the time, they take your heart and steal your life
and its as though you feel you’ve died
because you’ve been killed inside
and yet you’re still alive
which means you will survive
although today you may weep because you’re weak and
everything seems so bleak and hopeless
the light that you’re seeking,
it begins
to seep in
that’s the only thing keepin
you from leapin
off the motherfreakin
deep end.

beautiful pain by eminem

Quote

Death/Loss

Well this initially happened yesterday morning but the thoughts were crippling me and literally didn’t move from my bed at all yesterday. My body didn’t know how to react. I was craving all of these different foods but after i forced myself out of bed and to the kitchen to cook it, I just couldn’t eat. I didn’t know what I wanted, I even began craving hamburgers…. I absolutely despise hamburgers.
I found out yesterday morning that my uncle had been pronounced dead.
It took me a while for it to even register in my head, I thought my mom must have been talking about someone else. I had seen him just a week ago and he looked fine and healthy, nothing was wrong with him. He had passed in his sleep the night prior, he went to sleep and just didn’t wake up…
They don’t exactly know the cause of death but in my head I already know it was overdose, there was too many drugs for too long. One’s body can only take so much.
As I said I don’t know how to handle myself, i don’t know what to do with myself. My best friend told me it’s probably a shock that’s associated with severe depression. I don’t want to be depressed, I don’t want to be severely depressed. It hurts so much.
I haven’t done anything but watch old Roseanne reruns alone in my room. I’ve been dressing in black so no one looks at me. I have my headphones plugged in so no one tries to talk to me.
I even had an anxiety attack in the kitchen it’s awful, I’m so jumpy. I saw a car headlight out of the corner of my eye against the wall and I jumped so hard a got bacon grease on myself.

I’m just done.

Depression Update

For a while there I was starting to get a lot better with the whole depression thing. I was starting to talk to a couple of friends and I even got past my fear of going into the lunch line at school and ordering lunch which was a huge milestone for me. But this weekend out of nowhere I got pulled back so much lower than I was before. It feels instantaneous really. Past couple days I havent had any urge to live life like a normal human being. I find myself struggling to perform basic necessities for life such as getting up to make myself food or to take showers, as gross as that sounds but its the truth. I didnt want to bother communicating with my grandmother to ask her to borrow her laptop so I just started blogging from my phone. I even dropped out pf NaNoWriMo. The thought of It just scared me and gave me anxiety and I dont know how to explain It but I just couldnt do It. Its 7 at night and im exhausted mentally and so is my body. Its just a major change from where I brought myself up to. I thought I was finally getting better …

Advice? Please.

I really need an opinion or advice or something right now because I don’t know if what I’m going through is normal or if I’m just crazy.
You guys know I’m dealing with depression, I bitch about it about twice a week, but I think it might be getting… worse? if that makes sense at all. It’s like slowly I’m losing the will to fight myself in the mornings which is always a battle because every morning I try to decide if I’m ready to get up and push myself and deal with life or if I’m just going to roll over and try again tomorrow. I don’t feel like being around my family anymore, it’s more of something in my way now rather than something I enjoy as it used to be, I’m in such a rush to be alone in my room or just blogging.

Recently I’ve even become extremely emotionally vulnerable which just isn’t me. My family yells, A LOT. If they’re not yelling they’re asleep, my family tends to just be full of very angry people. It used to never bother me, getting yelled at was just another part of life but that all changed recently. I would always yell back, but I can’t do that anymore. It’s like them yelling just makes me completely shut down, even if they’re not yelling at me. I feel like a child but it’s just so hard for me to do ANYTHING while they’re yelling. I’ll place my hands over my ears like a child and walk like that until I get to my room and curl into fetal position until they stop. I don’t know why it’s gotten like this, I just want it to stop. I didn’t realize it but in my own little world everything is quiet. I used to be a very loud person but now everyone is having to ask two or three times what I said when I speak.

is this normal… or am I crazy?

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