Guess Who’s Back (back) Back Again, Kaia’s Back (back) Tell a friend

Sorry guys, I’ve had that song stuck in my head all day. ^
I’ve been gone for quite some while now huh? I guess I owe some sort of an explaination. Life’s just been very very busy for me lately. I’ve had finals for the past couple months, and between preparation for them and actually taking them I’ve been swamped. Believe me, i haven’t even been on Twitter much lately, which is saying something. Go follow me btw @kaiaalove¬†
I stopped going to my therapist, it just wasn’t much of a match. I realized that my entire problem was the fact that I hold a lot of things in that i’m feeling. It’s finally beginning to dawn on me that I should really stop doing that, it just esculates everything times 1000. After two sessions i just didn’t think that I needed it anymore. I also stopped taking my antidepressants.
I decided that I’m not quitting High School next year. There’s just way too many things that i want to accomplish, so many clubs that i want to try, and even if i dont end up doing those things, i just want the opportunity to be able to say that I had the option.¬†
Mainly, I’m going back for one person.¬†
*epic flashback time*
It all started way back in the 6th grade. I dated this guy, and he was my first real love. I thought that we would last forever, but when you’re that young… you always do. In all reality, we were toxic together. He was still a little kid (mentally) and i was just trying to find out who i was (I mean come on, i was 12) it just wasn’t a good match up.. Years later, we started talking again but by that time we had moved apart, he was on the other end of the city and going to our rival school and we never saw each other in person. The most we had was an occasional Skype chat. But all of that is going to change now(: he’s coming to my high school next year. We’ve gotten over our old childish ways, we’re a lot alike now. Hell, we can kick it and play videogames together and just be chill like best friends. I’m not planning on being back with him.. but it’s nice to be able to just have a best friend that i can connect with¬†

Especially because.. he may damn well be my last real friend I’ve got. I’m cutting myself off next year. I just can’t keep putting myself through constant bullshit. Certain conversations have arisen in my little group of friends and the talk just hurt. I’d rather not put them out there yet, but maybe I’m just being stupid. It just hurts my feelings to think that this may be the way that my friends perceive me, just to think… maybe this is the way that EVERYONE sees me…

Life Update, I’m Quitting School

Hey guys, I just thought I would do a life update really quickly.

Depression became worse than usual, it’s completely crippling. I’ve lost drive to do anything and everything.
Insomnia no more, I sleep all through the night, and I’m still always tired when I wake up in the morning. I sleep through a lot of my extra classes (theatre, art, culinary¬†etc.). Except there’s¬†a few nights in¬†a row every few weeks where anxiety won’t let me sleep. During the weekends I don’t even really go to visit my dad anymore, I like to stay home. I hate leaving my room, let alone the house. Especially to travel in a car for 30-45 minutes. I’m usually just in bed or on Netflix while I’m awake. I’ve been writing a little bit more in my journal and I started a new project, these rainbow loom¬†things. They’re bracelets you make from little mini rubber bands. I only make the basic ones though, the singles and fishtail ones. I can’t even bother to think about attempting one of the more complicated ones, the difficulty level just stresses me out.
I almost went to see a therapist, but then I thought better of it. I want help but I’m just not ready, I’ll try again in a few weeks.

I turn 16 on June 7th, which I do happen to believe is the last day of school. I’m quitting. I’ve been thinking about it for a while but I FINALLY made that decision.
I don’t want to go to public school anymore, I’ll probably just do an online school.
I would explain why, but that’s a rant for a later blog post

Thanks for listening guys. x

The Worst Anxiety Attack EVER

When you go to sleep you suspect that it’s the one place you’re safe from all of your problems, right? WRONG. I was in bed and FINALLY getting a nice and peaceful sleep for the first time in god knows when, when BAM it hit me.
Well, I was having a dream and in my dream, my cousin and I were hanging out at school and about to head down to lunch, well he decided he needed to grab something from his locker so I walked with him and realized that I left my school I.D. in mine (we have to have it in order to buy lunch) and for some reason in my dream his locker was right next to mine. I walked up to my locker and that’s when I woke up in the midst of one of the worst panic attacks I’ve had in a very long time. My panic attack was due to the fact that subconsciously I remembered that I haven’t used my locker in a couple weeks and I got super scared that I couldn’t remember my combination while I was having my panic attack, and that’s what caused it; the fact that I couldn’t remember my combination at that exact moment. So after I found myself able to breath again I lay my head back on my pillow and finally I remember the combination. but still my anxiety was through the roof because I kept second guessing myself that maybe it was the wrong one or maybe I was confusing it from one of my combinations from last year (I had 2 lockers last year) but I was able to convince myself by visualizing the hundreds of times I’ve opened my locker the thing I use to memorize it every time. Even then I wouldn’t let myself sleep until I saved it on my phone and chanted it in my head over and over again until I was finally able to get my heat to stop racing and calm down a bit.
Needless to say I got zero sleep last night.