Back In Therapy/Psychosis delusions/Abilify

Well, here it goes.
One last time I’m making a solid attempt. I really need help. It finally dawned on me. A couple of weeks ago I had my second ever major mental breakdown. I don’t mean a breakdown in the sense of the cutesy romantic-comedy type fashion, where a girl finds her bf cheated and she throws his picture and dramatically storms out. This time was bad, it’s like all of my inner and outer workings just simultaneously shut down. I wasn’t really eating, and my insomnia was heightened by a factor of a billion. I wasn’t angry, I wasn’t screaming, cussing, and throwing shit, I was just… empty. I sat in a dark room in silence, I couldn’t think, it’s like I wasn’t even real. I actually started to think that I didn’t exist anymore (but maybe that was just a delusion). My delusions have been frequent as well too. My hallucinations are starting to get the better of me anymore. I’m hearing angry voices, sometimes they talk directly to me, but most of the time I just pick up bits and pieces, it’s like I’m hearing half of someone else’s conversation. But also, sometimes they’re very random. The other day I heard a cat trapped in the wall, it was fucking terrifying for me. I called my grandpa into the room in a panic thinking that it was real. I told him it sounded like a kitten was stuck in the wall. When he came to check it I could still very clearly hear the cat sounds but he couldn’t. I finally realized it must have been one of those in my head things and just let it go and tried to play it off. Other times I get this weirdness in my head where i would be doing one thing physically but in my head I think I’m doing something else. I was laying in bed reading but at the same time I was standing in my bathroom looking into the mirror. A few minutes later I snapped back and I was still laying in bed holding the book. I never left the bed but i was CLEARLY in the bathroom looking at the mirror, it wasn’t just daydreaming. Do these count as delusions? And of course after that poses the issue of me going into public. I still hate leaving my house, I fucking hate strangers. A lot of times when I go into an area with a large amount of strangers (and by strangers I could also mean people I know but are not close with) I started getting really fucking anxious, and a part of me keeps darting my eyes around and I feel like everybody hates me and in their minds everybody has linked up heads and are sharing thoughts about how stupid I look or bad things about me. It gets bad.

I started a new therapist on Monday though (today is Thursday) and I think it might be promising honestly. I went into the office with a feeling of “fuck this, it’s not going to work. Therapists are assholes” mainly because my last therapist was a piece of shit who pretty much dismissed me as a moody teenager who didn’t really see or feel or hear the things that I do. I was actually paying this one therapist though for him to be so shitty (but that rant is for a later post) but now I’m at one that my primary care doctor set me up for (without me really knowing) that accepts my insurance so woo-fucking-hoo. This lady I have is really nice though. When I went on Monday we didn’t really have a session we just started filling out paperwork and did the basic pre-evaluation thing. We started talking about the voices. She believes me which is nice, it makes me feel a little better. I might go more in depth next Monday and explain more about the hallucinations (maybe about the delusions but I’m not sure). Does anyone think I should tell her about ALL OF IT? Anyways, she mentioned starting me on Abilify, she said it should help with the depression and make the voices go away completely. Also some pills for the severe anxiety and some pills to finally help me sleep. I never sleep. I’m sure I have to have a lot more sessions though, I’ve become a little anxious to find out what I’m going to be diagnosed with. I know a lot of people are like “chill, the diagnosis doesn’t define you”. I know that, but it might make me feel a little less crazy if i had some sort of a label to put on it so I could know what’s ACTUALLY wrong with me. Part of my biggest fear is “what if subconsciously this isn’t real? what if I make all of this up”. I know that sounds incredibly stupid but I don’t know. I guess I just need some sort of validity to cling to to prove that I’m not as mentally fucked up as i feel.

SICK DAY ESSENTIALS/outfits and makeup ideas.

Yeah so the day before last I had an itchy throat, and literally overnight it esculated to not being able to talk because I was so sick, its awful. Everyone in my house is sick now because of me. I ALWAYS end up sick a week or two before Halloween. I have the daily kind of life where I have to get up and go to school at six in the morning every day and these are all of the things I use to get me through that.

So without further ado, my sick day essentials.

  1. Lipbalm, my lips get all gross and chapped (I love e.o.s just throwing that out there)
  2. lotion and face moisturizer for the same reason
  3. homework, when I get home from school I end up laying in bed until its time to go to sleep… and I have a whole pile of undone math homework stacked up
  4. the tropical fruity kind of cough drops, the regular flavor grosses me out.
  5. WATER. lots and lots of water
  6. a comfortable hoodie. I have a low body temp while sick which is only made worse by my school feeling the urge to keep the air conditioner blasting all day. My grandparents went on a road trip this weekend and brought me back a nice comfy thick hoodie today when they got back
  7. headphones and a novel, it hurts to talk so I find ways to stay focused on other things, just something to avoid social awkwardness
  8. a stack of movies, namely the nightmare before Christmas, the corpse bride (I love time burton), clockwork orange, monster inc (the new and old one), and all of the Halloweentown movies (which are personally my FAVORITE part of this time of the year, I watch them every year). My brother JD loves to lay in bed and watch movies with me
  9. My phone, I don’t have any Nyquil right now and when im sick without medicine my body loves to stay up all night and make me miserable. Instagram and KIK save me from that problem a bit.
    INSTAGRAM: kaiaa_love
  10. Portable tissue packs, I love the ones with the cute designs on them

personally around this time of the year while im sick and feel like crap all I want is to be comfortable. I’d be dragging my blanket around with me all through my school day if I could. As mentioned above I spring for a big black oversized hoodie that’s super warm, I usually just pair it with a tanktop and legging style yoga pants, along with either ugg boots or my slip on hello kitty vans because both are nice and comfortable so it all depends on what the weather is like outside because it can be pretty bipolar where I live.
As for bags for some reason this is the time of the year I love to carry a very small bag with a long cross-body type strap. I have a really cute coach one that looks like colorful patchwork on the front of it (I usually like huge oversized purses)
Makeup: honestly. none. I refuse to wear makeup when im sick because im always crying and with a runny nose it just ends up looking horrible by mid day. If I really want to try though I’ll just put on a bit of foundation and concealer so I don’t look so much like Emily (corpse bride reference)
Hair: I’ll either go for a top knot with a stretchy headband that makes a statement or a low side braid. My hair is naturally extremely curly so ill barely pull the flat iron through it just to give it a wavy look because I just hate how my curly hair looks in a top knot for some reason.
Hope I helped a bit & if you’re sick like me then GET WELL SOON(: