Social Anxiety And The Travel Bug

I feel like my personality and my mental issues have a serious clashing a lot of the time, I feel like on the inside I’m extremely ambitious and that if I could, I would be making a lot of better decisions than I am. Logically, I know that keeping myself locked away into my room isn’t healthy, nor is blowing off my best friends when they’re going to be moving far far away in less than a week. I just can’t do it though. On the inside, I’ve been bitten by the travel bug, (that’s probably due to the fact that growing up my mother never allowed us to live in one place for longer than two months at a time) but once I get it in my head that I want to venture off on some big road trip and d a bunch of completely insane things and take so many chances, my logical head and better judgement kicks in. I’m terrified of life, I’m scared to walk out of my front door in the morning, let alone stay out in the “real world” for a week or longer at a time. I love traveling but I hate leaving my comfort zone. One day… I’m going to get myself out there, I’m going to live. Tonight I made that promise to myself. One day…

Why We Shouldn’t Judge Strangers (Acacia Brenly Clark)

I hate to jump on this bandwagon, I mean we all know that I’m not one to join in on drama, namely the drama over the internet but I really had a few passionate thoughts or things to say. I’m not bringing this up to either defend nor hate on her but can we all just take a step back and use this as a learning experience? Here’s the question: why do people hate on Acacia Clark so much?

There’s been some controversy all over YouTube, all the way from passive aggressive comments made through the twitter feed down the just downright nasty and hatful comments left on her YouTube page. Why is this? There’s been a lot of accusations thrown around on this girl: she fakes mental disorders, she fakes self harming, she gives her number to too many guys, she uses men, and that she Photoshops her body.
Alright,
1) my comment on the last three things that I named is WHO THE HELL CARES? This is a seventeen year old girl, who gives a damn what she does in her spare time? Do any of us spend enough time with her to know what really goes on or if any of this even really happens? If she does it, maybe she has a valid reason? Even if you know her in real life, do you know every intimate detail of her being and her thoughts enough to accurately pass a judgement? I say this time and time again on here and we all know it, YOU DONT KNOW WHAT’S GOING ON IN SOMEONE ELSES HEAD.

2)  Which brings me to the next point of “faking” mental illness. She came out in a video talking about her social anxiety and I personally admire her for it. Talking about any sort of a mental illness on the internet is fucking terrifying ESPECIALLY on YouTube, I’ve been getting questions lately on why I’m on wordpress instead of YouTube and this right here would be my primary reason. social anxiety has left me terrified of being in front of a camera except for the occasional selfie, Laura Lejuene (you should check out her channel: https://www.youtube.com/user/Downtownpatrol)  has made a point that I really like: when someone has a mental illness of any sort, days are not always the same/ equal, some days are easier than others. Just because I’m not able to even look at myself in the mirror some days doesn’t mean that I won’t be able to film a full video and post 100000 instagram selfies tomorrow. This is what leads me to believe that she’s not faking it. People made comments that the things she described in her video did not fit the description for social anxiety but to everyone who’s raised this concern to me I have told them all the same exact thing “so that must mean that you specifically are Acacia’s therapist or some other form of a mental health professional who’s spent many many years of your life studying these things in order to properly diagnose her? no? okay then. Mental illness does not have one set of specific guidelines that means the same exact thing in every little aspect for everybody in the world with that illness. And to the person that said that you can’t have a mental illness without being diagnosed, you are COMPLETELY mistaken and I feel bad for you if you believe that. thousands if not hundreds of thousands of cases of mental illness of every form from minor to severe go undiagnosed every year, either due to the fact that the person does not have any sort of resources to be able to go to the proper therapist to be able to diagnosed, or they’re simply just too scared to be able to come out and say things about these issues that they’re having, that being said, anxiety disorders are extremely common (especially In this day in age) so it’s not unlikely that she may very well have an anxiety disorder, the same goes for her claim of having depression. But then again, I’m not a trained professional so I am in no way qualified to diagnose her either way.
Here’s a link to her Social Anxiety video so that you can make your own opinion : https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ADWANrC_0m0

3) I’m not a fan of faking self harm and I’m not saying that she did or she didn’t, (but then again, even if she was faking it, that would make it for attention right? so then wouldn’t we want to help a mentally unstable person who’s practically begging for attention/help). I’m in the same boat as every body else reading this (unless you’re Acaia) I don’t know her and I don’t know what she does. Frankly it’s nobody’s business but herself and her family’s. Apparently her mother came out and said that they were real, that doesn’t make a difference to me. To myself as well as everybody else reading this, we shouldn’t care unless it’s to wish her well, which everybody should be doing anyways honestly. Just like with the bullying, we’ll all feel really fucking bad when the constant abuse and the lack of good word leads to something drastic such as suicide, then all of the attackers want to act like the victim like they wish they had the chance to take back everything they’ve said to her

And I think that the biggest issues that I’m having right now is the fact that all of my citations here are based on “I read this here” or “I heard this in a video”, I mean honestly guys, why must we attack strangers. In what way have her actions had absolutely ANY involvement to your own personal well being or your everyday life. I’m not here to say that what I think that she’s done is right or wrong, I’m here saying that can we just please back off of this girl a little? Everyone talks about how bad cyberbullying is, but I think we’ve all started to blur the lines between sharing our opinions and just down right being a bully, you’re hurting people weather you realize it or not, -KJ

Here’s the the holidays (handling stress)

Well guys, in advance I’d like to give everybody here a big round of applause for all of the complete bullshit that we’re about to be enduring for the next two months. It’s that time of the year again: THE HOLIDAYS.
Due to Thanksgiving day, food preparation, Christmas, gift buying, black Friday shopping, family coordinating, nanowrimo, and endless amounts of projects and added homework because teachers think that you have absolutely nothing better to do, the holidays can be rough, and they most likely will be.

Handling the stress
1)The key here is mostly just so acknowledge that it’s tough and acknowledge that there’s going to be a problem (although that doesn’t mean to dwell on it) so that you’re not in complete shock when things don’t turn out the way that you think they will
2)If you’re feeling overwhelmed don’t keep it bottled up. You’re going to most likely want the holidays to be an enjoyable time for everybody, and you don’t want that big explosion (I hate to tell you, its inevitable) to happen on a big holiday or when you’re with the people you love. Don’t be scared to take some time for yourself. In the middle of a busy week? Spend the night having a long bubble bath and a spa night, even if that just consists of pouring soap into your bath and a 99 cent face mask from the drug store.
3) PREPLAN PREPLAN PREPLAN. If you don’t already own a planner then this would be the time of the year to go buy one. Don’t try to just procrastinate and plan everything on the fly, that usually just ends up horribly for everybody. Work on time management and prioritizing your tasks, this Is a really important step

and finally 4) don’t push your limits. You know what you can handle and can’t handle. Don’t like everybody push you around into doing things that you don’t know if you’ll be able to take on. Don’t be scared to ask for help, we all need it sometimes

Happy Holidays in advance everybody, -KJ

I’ve Got Friends In All The Right Places I Know What They Want And I Know They Don’t Want Me To Stay

Sorry about the strange title, but as you can tell from the name of my blog I tend to name things the title of a song that’s relevant(ish) to what I’m writing about. Sadly, no I’m not writing about Manchester Orchestra;) (they are an amazing band though).
I’m writing about friends. I’m scared that while writing my social anxiety story that I may have given some people the wrong impression. For those of you that don’t have social anxiety I would like to clear up a few things. I feel like while I was writing I may have led to a few false conclusions in the way I wrote it, and I don’t want people to falsely stereotype people with social anxiety because I hadn’t slept for a few days prior to writing that post but I really wanted to get that part of the My Story saga out of the way first because If I didn’t “just do it” It would have never gotten written.
Without further ado, my clarifications.

Okay, so I guess when people think of social anxiety, a lot of people tend to think of people that never speak. This isn’t true. People with social anxiety actually do talk, sometimes a lot. It just isn’t in the way I guess you would consider “normal”. In public, it’s only the cases where people have selective mutism (which as I understand is sometimes associated with the disorder) that they find themselves very very very rarely speaking in public. The fear is too great. But it’s like depression, the symptoms and feelings vary from person to person. Some people with this disorder are actually able to speak to many people during the course of their day, when required. Usually, it is not by choice. Their abilities all revolve around the range of severity of the disorder. I guess I would be considered in the middle, I’m terrified of talking to my peers, but I will speak with my professor on occasion when I ABSOLUTELY have to. Although because of today I’m rethinking that. I was asking my teacher a question and instead of calling the paper an article I called it a graph. She knew what I was speaking about after a few seconds but I’m STILL immensely embarrassed. I wanted to die as I was going back to my seat. I couldn’t believe I made a mistake while speaking. it’s so frustrating.
Just because someone is like this in public, this in no way reflects the person that they are at home. Usually at home the person is extremely vocal, and this is because they are comfortable. People are very at peace in their comfort zone. This goes the same for other people though. Without a doubt this disorder makes it hard to establish relationships, but that doesn’t mean that we don’t have friends. I only have one now and I didn’t get a chance to mention him in the s.a.d post. He’s also very quiet but I think that’s because he’s  going through a depression too. He opens up to me about everything (we’re best friends). But we’ve known each other for a couple of years. He’s the only person I’m comfortable speaking to in public, although people often think we’re extremely weird because we’re both so quiet that it’s rare anyone can hear our conversations but us. I admit, I still get scared talking to him a lot of the time. If I feel like I’m starting to look stupid or talk too much then I just shut down, but that’s the beauty about having a best friend like that, he understands. He won’t poke and prod at me trying to get me to talk like others would.
but yea, just because we’re scared of people doesn’t mean we’re antisocial losers.

My Story Part One: Social Anxiety

This is going to be in parts, I’m just going to be going a little bit more in depth about my life and the things that go on in my mind. Part one is my experience with social anxiety, part two is going to be my bullying experience, and part three Is going to be depression.
Well I’m fifteen now,  and already my social anxiety has taken up a major part of my life. It all started around kindergarten. I remember being very quiet,  I didnt talk much because I was scared that the other kids would think I was weird. At the time I was just labeled as shy and that label followed me for years. All through elementary school I barely said a word, I only had one friend and she was very shy and quiet too. The only people we talked to was eachother. In middle school that quietness followed, along with an urge. I wanted badly to break free. I wanted to be one of the popular girls who was loud and just didnt care. So I tried. I made a lot of mistakes in 6th grade trying to be popular but the anxiety held me back even a little (I still didnt even know what anxiety was). Come 7th grade I was back to my ways of quiet but I had 3 friends, thats also when I started going through depression for the first time. In 8th grade I switched schools and I lost all of the friends that I had. It was nerve wrecking being in a new school,  new places make me extremely uncomfortable. I didnt speak to anyone for almost a month. When I was forced to sit in a group I immediately chose the ‘leftovers’ table. Which basically was the table that was full of the outsiders that didnt really fit into a group. Still I wasnt able to talk to them. I had one friend that year, he was my best friend. we still talk occationally
Last year, 9th grade I started high school.. that was my SECOND attempt to break out and I did well. Through most of the year I was loud and outgoing. I had friends galore and I still got anxious doing certain things in front of people but I brushed it off, I Ignored the feelings In a way. I didnt learn what social anxiety was until the end of the year. I asked my best friend to hang out with me for my birthday and she said yes as long as there wasnt a lot of people because she had social anxiety, I was curious about what that was So I went home and googled it. And thats when I learned that that was me. I searched and searched and did as much research as I could.
Durring this summer I fell back deep into depression. My social anxeity became more prominent in a way… is that possible? Its as bad as it was when I was a child. Im having trouble even functioning now. Talking to people is a struggle and handling things is difficult.  But im working through it.
If you made it this far in reading, thank you for taking an interest. This was kind of hard to talk about.

Judgemental Assholes & Securing My Sexuality

So you know what I hate more than anything in the world? Incompetent assholes that laugh at others and drag down their self confidence because of their beautiful abilities that the other person isn’t even CLOSE to having nor at least TRYING to have; I put my heart and soul into my monolouge the first time I was able to get on stage by myself in drama, this small group of kids started laughing at me. I have mad crazy social anxiety, so that fact that I even got on stage was a miracle, and then your going to be the only people in the class to laugh, even though everyone else tried to make up for it in support by cheering me on after my scene. Guess who also turned out to not even get on stage. I didn’t even let it bother me that they laughed at me, but they started laughing at my friends. This guy Eric got up there and he did an amazing performance that he put his all into without even a GLIMMER of nervousness in him and they just flat out made fun of him. I would like THEM pull off something like that.

On a brighter note, my teacher let me hold dry ice today (the same teacher that let us blow up eggs and hydrochloric acid) Yeah, he’s kind of a kook. I’m just saying that if you ever have the random urge to hold dry ice, DONT. It burns like a motherfucker, and this one guy thought he would show off and be a badass and hold it on his tongue, #internal bleeding.

OH, today I’ve discovered something. Im a lesbian, it’s official, I am secure with my sexuality, i am happy with myself. I know i went through this whole big ordeal about not knowing if im gay or not but i am. The main reason i was questioning is because everyone was in my ear saying “there’s no way you’re gay, its a phase” and all that stupid stuff. I’m not letting people rule my life and make decisions for me. I’m my own person, my parents all accept me and that’s all that matters.

i’m going to start going to this place called jasmyn soon with my best gay guyfriend. jasmyn is a place where gay youth can come together and talk about things without having to worry about their problems or judgement because mostly everyone there is going through the same thing or something similar. My city’s gay pride parade and festival is coming up soon too(: im so excited.

Letting It All Hang Out

The thing with any mental disorder is if you’re consciously aware of it, you’re going to try to hide it. Its a given. Most of the time people feel like if they were to show who they really are on the inside then they would be judged. I’ve fallen under this category for a long time. I have extremely bad social anxiety, I’m always scared that someone is watching me and the things they would be thinking. There’s only one place that I feel completely free from this, and its a bit ironic but that place is up on stage. When I’m acting on stage I feel completely empowered.. until now. As I may have mentioned, depression is taking over my life and it’s a bit weird but since it’s gotten really bad I just stopped caring about putting a smile on my face and trying to act like I’m happy and make people laugh, the jealousy is overwhelming. Why should they be able to laugh and smile if I’m being overpowered by the pain I feel on the inside and I cant? Today was the first day that I’ve had an opportunity to get onto stage and shine since I finally said “fuck it” but… something weird happened. For the first time I stood up on stage, I opening my mouth, and nothing came out. I froze. I didn’t say anything, so once I stepped off of stage I had a panic attack. It’s so weird, this has never happened to me before. And that panic attack was triggered from my social anxiety. I hate that I’m so scared of being myself. I couldn’t even mumble out two sentences in front of a class of 25 students. I wish I could just be myself and be weird and happy and crazy how I used to be, I wish that I could walk around without being labeled as some freak because lately I’m not showing happiness. I wish I could reach out to my friends about the pain I feel without losing them. I wish I was free.