Depression Cripples;

Where for art thou, oh loyal readers?

I’ve been gone for far too long, it seems I’ve been sent off to the looney bin again. Oh what a joyous day!
Not. I feel even worse now than before I went in. Today I was supposed to go back to school, my plan was to start getting back onto a normal schedule. Not just school, but my entire life. Anybody with Major Depressive Disorder can understand how hard something so small as scraping yourself out of bed to shower, take your medicine, and eat, ends up feeling like you’re climbing Mount Everest. Anyways, rather than going to school, I ended up in the hospital (the regular one this time). It seems that my body has decided to give up again. Believe me, I’m right there with it. My body is severely infected and I cant get my meds until Monday. WAY TO GO shitty American healthcare system.

I’ve missed this, I miss posting here, I miss my followers, the friends I’ve made. Expect posts on a regular basis again guys. I’m not quite sure what days I’m going to do (I haven’t quite gotten that far yet) BUT IM GETTIN’ THERE.

Drafting Suicide Notes (with no intention of using them)

Hey guys,

Today I picked kind of a more odd topic: Is it weird to draft suicide notes as a therapeutic outlet? I had someone send an email (keeping it anonymous) asking about my opinion on this, and of course my opinion is no! its not weird.
I like everyone to keep I mind that grieving process is different for everybody, whether you’re grieving a death, a stressful situation, or just getting through depression. Not everybody can process things smoothly, so naturally we cling to any outlet that we could possibly find and I’ve seen (and used) a very wide range of them. And let’s be honest, most of mine aren’t exactly the healthiest options for myself. Suicide notes usually aren’t about suicide (as confusing as that sounds) it’s usually about expressing how you feel, when you think nobody was ever listening before then. It’s almost like journaling in a morbid kind of way. A few months ago I was completely obsessed with this documentary on Netflix about bipolar disorder I found this one woman that said when she hit the low point of bipolar and felt very suicidal, she would always write a suicide note before she brought herself to doing anything too drastic, because she knew that after the letter was written she felt like she got everything out, and it provided enough of a distraction to where it took the edge off the suicidal urge. And it wasn’t just one or two times that she did it, she kept an entire box of these notes.
Watching that made me feel better because it was then that I realized that I did it too, I usually kept them in my journals though, when I was extremely down I would draft a suicide note in my journal and it made me feel better to express to the world everything that I kept locked inside of me for so long,
so no, I don’t think its weird. I think it’s good that you have an outlet for yourself -KJ

Relapse

I was so happy with myself, I figured that I was going so far in life, like maybe I was building this base for myself that allowed to be able to start creating a freedom and to start finding myself and actually start my career and school and my new life. In reality though I’m just stuck in a rut. I relapsed and cut again after almost flipping the car. I’m about to go make my appointment to finally take my license test but now I’m starting to second guess if that’d actually be a good idea or not,

on the bright side I started exploring myself in starting my career as a makeup artist and started a beauty blog, I’d love if anyone checked it out? I’ll be posting hauls, lookbooks, ootw’s, and tutorials. Thanks babes.

Hey guys,
I’m sorry if the spelling is terrible on this one, I’m shaking.
Honestly, I would just like to take a second to say that it’s okay to ask for help. Friends, family, a teacher. HELL, IF NOONE ELSE WILL BE THERE FOR YOU THEN I WILL

I logged on to my account today and started scrolling through my reader to see a post called “it ends tonight”. I feel like a part of me immediately knew what this meant because I’ve written them in my journal as a promise to myself so many times. It was one of the newbie bloggers that I’ve started subscribing to lately. She was one of the ones that I’ve been meaning to comment onto one of her posts with my email so she could talk to me if she needed to

I guess it’s a little too late now.

I feel like shit, in her last post she stated how nobody was there and all of her friends lost interest in her life.
Maybe this could’ve been prevented… I don’t know

Depression is something I talk about casually around here because it’s a part of my every day life. It’s something I’ve gotten used to even though I guess you’re not supposed to. Rationally, I know that. Help is nothing to be ashamed of guys. Don’t follow in my footsteps, if you’re feeling low, please just vent to someone, if you can’t then journaling is a GREAT alternative too. Keeping it bottled up is the worst thing for you to do
If anyone needs to talk email me : iheartsumocyco@yahoo.com
I’ll respond within the day.

NEW TUMBLR.

follows much appreciated.

kaiamichelle.tumblr.com  

Expolsive Depression

When I think about depression, I think about being tired. You’re exhausted, your sick of things, you don’t want to see the light you just want to be left alone. And yet, you just deal with it.
But I experienced the most terrifying bout of depression that I’ve had in my entire life. I’ve never been so scared of myself before. I was depressed, but the feelings of being done was way beyond anything I had ever experienced before in my life. I just got so frustrated. I wasn’t just depressed, I was… angry. That’s an emotion that I haven’t genuinely felt in an extremely long time. Sure, I get annoyed occasionally… but never a legit angry. And the worst part is… I don’t even know why, but then again I never do anymore.
A depressed feeling randomly came over me, nothing unusual there… but then it took a weird turn. Usually my depression takes a while to build up, but within a matter of hours it had built up and built up so heavily that I just completely lost a grip on myself. I was thinking so irrationally it was ridiculous. I started freaking out, in my mind everyone was against me. I was laying on the ground crying and trying not to scream. I was so frustrated I wanted to cut again but I’ve been doing so good about not doing it but eventually I lost control and just didn’t know what to do. I started clawing at myself because I just didn’t know what to do. The marks started swelling and burning but eventually I fell asleep and when I woke up they were gone. I slept for a couple of hours and I woke up at 3 a.m. and never got back to sleep
The following day I went to school and pretended like everything was just gravy. The past few days have been really rough but naturally I’m dealing with it. Hopefully things will get better soon though. Today I am officially an out patient at the local mental hospital. Fingers crossed, guys. X

 

If you think you have a mental illness…

I’m sick and tired of hiding in the shadows so here I am *gasp* showing my face. Advice vlog…

Video

‘kill yourself’ is not just an insult, words have power

I have yet another bone to pick with the “normal” behavior accept by society. I’ve noticed a growing trend that is yet another common behavior amongst teenagers which is causing a lot of problems to their peers. So yet again here’s another Kaia rant.

A popular insult now a days: when someone sounds stupid or ignorant, someone else’s response is now commonly ‘bro, kill yourself’

Seriously?

Is it fucking funny that we are now encouraging suicide, that’s amusing?! Seriously kids, we should really just step back and rethink our actions for a little while because obviously our values are WAY out of whack. It’s sickening, it truly is and I even get very frustrated hearing that term thrown around among my peers in the classroom. The teacher heard it today and didn’t even say anything about it, she just brushed it off. Seriously? You’re all going to feel like crap about not standing up and saying anything when that kid goes home and actually commits suicide. I can’t even count how many times I preach the fact that you DON’T ever REALLY know anybody or what they’re feeling or thinking on the inside. They could VERY EASILY already be suicidal without showing it at all on the exterior, and all it takes is one person telling them to go do it for them to gain the courage

Think before you act

I PROMISE THIS IS THE LAST RANT THAT YOU GUYS WILL BE HEARING FROM ME FOR A WHILE ❤

My Best Bully Ever (poem)

When I couldn’t run track
I was too fat
Then at 110
I was too thin
Like a ghost, I was too white
When I tanned…
truly sickening sight
I wouldn’t stop
I could not hide
These clawing demons left inside
I was frail
I was dying
It was a “joke”
It was “lying”
it was a bully in disguise
my best friend
with hazel eyes
I may have pulled the trigger
but you were secretly my killer
you can apologize with all your might
but it was you, my friend
that took my life

Your Words Hurt (poem)

Your words stand
behind her pain
standing tall
on her 5’2 frame
ignorance is bliss?
then just let her be
her flaws are all that
you’ll ever see.
nose up at the harassment
just live another day
and then the next, she will be dead
then whats there to say?

~i write these poems off the top of my head, not too hard judgement please~

XoX Kaia.Love

Aside