Back In Therapy/Psychosis delusions/Abilify

Well, here it goes.
One last time I’m making a solid attempt. I really need help. It finally dawned on me. A couple of weeks ago I had my second ever major mental breakdown. I don’t mean a breakdown in the sense of the cutesy romantic-comedy type fashion, where a girl finds her bf cheated and she throws his picture and dramatically storms out. This time was bad, it’s like all of my inner and outer workings just simultaneously shut down. I wasn’t really eating, and my insomnia was heightened by a factor of a billion. I wasn’t angry, I wasn’t screaming, cussing, and throwing shit, I was just… empty. I sat in a dark room in silence, I couldn’t think, it’s like I wasn’t even real. I actually started to think that I didn’t exist anymore (but maybe that was just a delusion). My delusions have been frequent as well too. My hallucinations are starting to get the better of me anymore. I’m hearing angry voices, sometimes they talk directly to me, but most of the time I just pick up bits and pieces, it’s like I’m hearing half of someone else’s conversation. But also, sometimes they’re very random. The other day I heard a cat trapped in the wall, it was fucking terrifying for me. I called my grandpa into the room in a panic thinking that it was real. I told him it sounded like a kitten was stuck in the wall. When he came to check it I could still very clearly hear the cat sounds but he couldn’t. I finally realized it must have been one of those in my head things and just let it go and tried to play it off. Other times I get this weirdness in my head where i would be doing one thing physically but in my head I think I’m doing something else. I was laying in bed reading but at the same time I was standing in my bathroom looking into the mirror. A few minutes later I snapped back and I was still laying in bed holding the book. I never left the bed but i was CLEARLY in the bathroom looking at the mirror, it wasn’t just daydreaming. Do these count as delusions? And of course after that poses the issue of me going into public. I still hate leaving my house, I fucking hate strangers. A lot of times when I go into an area with a large amount of strangers (and by strangers I could also mean people I know but are not close with) I started getting really fucking anxious, and a part of me keeps darting my eyes around and I feel like everybody hates me and in their minds everybody has linked up heads and are sharing thoughts about how stupid I look or bad things about me. It gets bad.

I started a new therapist on Monday though (today is Thursday) and I think it might be promising honestly. I went into the office with a feeling of “fuck this, it’s not going to work. Therapists are assholes” mainly because my last therapist was a piece of shit who pretty much dismissed me as a moody teenager who didn’t really see or feel or hear the things that I do. I was actually paying this one therapist though for him to be so shitty (but that rant is for a later post) but now I’m at one that my primary care doctor set me up for (without me really knowing) that accepts my insurance so woo-fucking-hoo. This lady I have is really nice though. When I went on Monday we didn’t really have a session we just started filling out paperwork and did the basic pre-evaluation thing. We started talking about the voices. She believes me which is nice, it makes me feel a little better. I might go more in depth next Monday and explain more about the hallucinations (maybe about the delusions but I’m not sure). Does anyone think I should tell her about ALL OF IT? Anyways, she mentioned starting me on Abilify, she said it should help with the depression and make the voices go away completely. Also some pills for the severe anxiety and some pills to finally help me sleep. I never sleep. I’m sure I have to have a lot more sessions though, I’ve become a little anxious to find out what I’m going to be diagnosed with. I know a lot of people are like “chill, the diagnosis doesn’t define you”. I know that, but it might make me feel a little less crazy if i had some sort of a label to put on it so I could know what’s ACTUALLY wrong with me. Part of my biggest fear is “what if subconsciously this isn’t real? what if I make all of this up”. I know that sounds incredibly stupid but I don’t know. I guess I just need some sort of validity to cling to to prove that I’m not as mentally fucked up as i feel.

Drafting Suicide Notes (with no intention of using them)

Hey guys,

Today I picked kind of a more odd topic: Is it weird to draft suicide notes as a therapeutic outlet? I had someone send an email (keeping it anonymous) asking about my opinion on this, and of course my opinion is no! its not weird.
I like everyone to keep I mind that grieving process is different for everybody, whether you’re grieving a death, a stressful situation, or just getting through depression. Not everybody can process things smoothly, so naturally we cling to any outlet that we could possibly find and I’ve seen (and used) a very wide range of them. And let’s be honest, most of mine aren’t exactly the healthiest options for myself. Suicide notes usually aren’t about suicide (as confusing as that sounds) it’s usually about expressing how you feel, when you think nobody was ever listening before then. It’s almost like journaling in a morbid kind of way. A few months ago I was completely obsessed with this documentary on Netflix about bipolar disorder I found this one woman that said when she hit the low point of bipolar and felt very suicidal, she would always write a suicide note before she brought herself to doing anything too drastic, because she knew that after the letter was written she felt like she got everything out, and it provided enough of a distraction to where it took the edge off the suicidal urge. And it wasn’t just one or two times that she did it, she kept an entire box of these notes.
Watching that made me feel better because it was then that I realized that I did it too, I usually kept them in my journals though, when I was extremely down I would draft a suicide note in my journal and it made me feel better to express to the world everything that I kept locked inside of me for so long,
so no, I don’t think its weird. I think it’s good that you have an outlet for yourself -KJ

Relapse

I was so happy with myself, I figured that I was going so far in life, like maybe I was building this base for myself that allowed to be able to start creating a freedom and to start finding myself and actually start my career and school and my new life. In reality though I’m just stuck in a rut. I relapsed and cut again after almost flipping the car. I’m about to go make my appointment to finally take my license test but now I’m starting to second guess if that’d actually be a good idea or not,

on the bright side I started exploring myself in starting my career as a makeup artist and started a beauty blog, I’d love if anyone checked it out? I’ll be posting hauls, lookbooks, ootw’s, and tutorials. Thanks babes.

Hey guys,
I’m sorry if the spelling is terrible on this one, I’m shaking.
Honestly, I would just like to take a second to say that it’s okay to ask for help. Friends, family, a teacher. HELL, IF NOONE ELSE WILL BE THERE FOR YOU THEN I WILL

I logged on to my account today and started scrolling through my reader to see a post called “it ends tonight”. I feel like a part of me immediately knew what this meant because I’ve written them in my journal as a promise to myself so many times. It was one of the newbie bloggers that I’ve started subscribing to lately. She was one of the ones that I’ve been meaning to comment onto one of her posts with my email so she could talk to me if she needed to

I guess it’s a little too late now.

I feel like shit, in her last post she stated how nobody was there and all of her friends lost interest in her life.
Maybe this could’ve been prevented… I don’t know

Depression is something I talk about casually around here because it’s a part of my every day life. It’s something I’ve gotten used to even though I guess you’re not supposed to. Rationally, I know that. Help is nothing to be ashamed of guys. Don’t follow in my footsteps, if you’re feeling low, please just vent to someone, if you can’t then journaling is a GREAT alternative too. Keeping it bottled up is the worst thing for you to do
If anyone needs to talk email me : iheartsumocyco@yahoo.com
I’ll respond within the day.

Guess Who’s Back (back) Back Again, Kaia’s Back (back) Tell a friend

Sorry guys, I’ve had that song stuck in my head all day. ^
I’ve been gone for quite some while now huh? I guess I owe some sort of an explaination. Life’s just been very very busy for me lately. I’ve had finals for the past couple months, and between preparation for them and actually taking them I’ve been swamped. Believe me, i haven’t even been on Twitter much lately, which is saying something. Go follow me btw @kaiaalove 
🙂
I stopped going to my therapist, it just wasn’t much of a match. I realized that my entire problem was the fact that I hold a lot of things in that i’m feeling. It’s finally beginning to dawn on me that I should really stop doing that, it just esculates everything times 1000. After two sessions i just didn’t think that I needed it anymore. I also stopped taking my antidepressants.
I decided that I’m not quitting High School next year. There’s just way too many things that i want to accomplish, so many clubs that i want to try, and even if i dont end up doing those things, i just want the opportunity to be able to say that I had the option. 
Mainly, I’m going back for one person. 
*epic flashback time*
It all started way back in the 6th grade. I dated this guy, and he was my first real love. I thought that we would last forever, but when you’re that young… you always do. In all reality, we were toxic together. He was still a little kid (mentally) and i was just trying to find out who i was (I mean come on, i was 12) it just wasn’t a good match up.. Years later, we started talking again but by that time we had moved apart, he was on the other end of the city and going to our rival school and we never saw each other in person. The most we had was an occasional Skype chat. But all of that is going to change now(: he’s coming to my high school next year. We’ve gotten over our old childish ways, we’re a lot alike now. Hell, we can kick it and play videogames together and just be chill like best friends. I’m not planning on being back with him.. but it’s nice to be able to just have a best friend that i can connect with 

Especially because.. he may damn well be my last real friend I’ve got. I’m cutting myself off next year. I just can’t keep putting myself through constant bullshit. Certain conversations have arisen in my little group of friends and the talk just hurt. I’d rather not put them out there yet, but maybe I’m just being stupid. It just hurts my feelings to think that this may be the way that my friends perceive me, just to think… maybe this is the way that EVERYONE sees me…

Tomorrow’s the big day

After so many years of trying to get help, tomorrow is the day I finally go in for therapy for the first time in yeeeears. It’s a new therapist.
Fingers crossed. X

Talking To Your Therapist.

image

Sometimes when you can’t explain things to your therapist, it may be time to be 5 years old again and break out the crayons and draw them a picture

I think I might be bipolar. / I’m taking a huge step

Hey guys, so I know that I haven’t posted much other than my last couple of rants (take that society!) but I’ve had a lot on my mind. On the bright side, I think that I may have FINALLY gotten a few things straightened out to where they make sense in my head. I think that I might be bipolar. If you know me, you would know that I absolutely hate to self diagnose anything because I begin getting paranoid about stuff but this time it’s different, I feel like I might’ve finally found some sort of an explanation for this.
It explains why some times I’m extremely hyper and everyone’s best friend and why other times I become so down that doing anything at all no matter how simple seems completely impossible (the depression phases are the worst). I thought that there was just something wrong with me to be honest. Like when I would lash out and be a complete bitch to people a lot of the time and really not even know why. I feel like this might be a way to finally explain it to myself so I did a little research. Social anxiety is also really common with this sort of thing as well
I’m 15 almost 16, does anyone know if it might be too late for symptoms to show in me? I’ve been like this since I was about 13/14 that I can remember.
But I always thought that it was just average teen hormones. My mom was quick to disagree because of the extent of how dramatic things are.
I guess I’ll find out soon though because… *drumroll*

Kaia decided to put aside her foolish pride for a while and on the 22nd I have an appointment with my primary care doctor to set me up with a therapist. I’m finally taking the first step. I just want to say a huge thank you to all of my followers that have been here for me and commented with all of your support, you guys have really helped me and encouraged me to finally get a little bit of help. I love you all ❤

~kaia